Update BLARGH!

Perhaps I'll get better at keeping this badboy updated.  But life has been hellatiously chaotic lately.

I graduated with my Masters degree in December (YAAY!).  I'm still working for the same job in juvenile corrections, which doesn't pay me nearly what I'm worth.  But I'm staying until I find something better.

The job that my hubby got, that was this AMAZING blessing, has ended up being something that puts a drain on my husbands happiness.  He was hired to be a coach, which is ultimately an assistant team lead.  He goes to work as scheduled, unless he has a sick day (which is rare, but has happened), and believes he does a good job.  But instead of continuing his training as a coach, and having him do the things that a coach should be doing, they've had him on the phones for his entire shift.  So he's an agent that is making Coach pay, but he has seen things happening that make him believe that they hired a bunch of people... and are now working to weed those who they've deemed unnecessary out.  He has 18 years call center experience, with a # of years in a supervisory role, and he is feeling very down and out about the whole thing.  It takes all he has (and I'm doing my best to be his cheerleader) to even go to work, since he has a feeling they're just trying to work him out of the door.

He has applied for a few other jobs, ever since this feeling of "They're working me to get rid of me" came up, and we're hoping to hear something from them.  So *fingers crossed*.

I'm not having the greatest luck landing a new job, either.  I've interviewed for at least 10 positions, and I keep being overlooked for the positions.  I keep applying for jobs that are in the career path that I want to go, and I keep feeling like I'm doing something wrong.  It's hard to feel motivated, feel like I'm worth a damn, when so many people keep saying "Thanks, but no thanks."  Ya know?

Anyway... enough on that blah-ness.

We're moving.  Again.  FUCKING YAAY, right?  Long story short - we moved in February last year due to a water issue in the old apartment.  When landlord had us fix lease with correct apartment #, they changed our lease end date from April to February (so hubby and I thought we had until April to plan a move).  Now we only have until the end of February.  Yeah, it's not 24 hours of hell moving, but it's still a move... and none of the apartments in the area are even remotely close to the price and size of what we've been living in.  So here we go... moving into a smaller 2 bedroom apartment for almost $300 more a month.  Yeah, it has the cable package bundled into rent, so take out $100 and we're still paying $200 more a month for a smaller space.

But - SILVER LINING - it allows my son, V, to remain in his school and working with the amazing resource team he has there.  V is on the autism spectrum and has 3 hours of special focus each day.  I am so grateful for his school, and the helpers there, because they're truly helping V become the boy (I'd say man, but he's 8... NOT YET!) I know he can be.  It also allows G, my stepson, to continue going to the same High School.  So we're going to stay in this new apartment (once we move) until G graduates.  Maybe longer.  But at least until G graduates, so that he can stay going to the same school.

The sacrifices we parents do to give our children stability.  Yeah, this move is sudden.  Yeah, we're losing space.  But you get to stay in the same school, keep your friends but still experience a new place and new memories.

Oh...last blurp... I'm 30ish hours awake thus far, and I still have at least 4 hours left of being awake.

Someone just shoot me with a tranquilizer dart...please... so that I can sleep & not feel guilty for sleeping, instead of accomplishing all the shit I've got to do before the end of the month.

Dusting off the blog!

I started this blog with the greatest intentions of keeping it updated regularly.  I have failed... but I am not giving up on it!  There's a lot to update, but I'm going to try and not make this a complete novella.

1) I might have finally succeeded in my career goal.  I've wanted to be a victim advocate for as long as I can remember.  I want to help children who are victimized gain the skills, have access to the tools, to become survivors of their stories.  I did a 2nd interview to become a Social Worker, and to be honest I feel quite confident about how I "sold" myself... I don't know where this confidence is coming from.  I mean - I know I'm educated, I know that I've got the fire in my soul that would make me a fantastic social worker, I know that I am worthy of this confident feeling... but the fact that I've been doubting myself less and less actually scares me.  I hope it isn't coming across as cocky, but more often than not I'm finding myself saying "DAMN GIRL!  You're AWESOME!" as I look in the mirror.

I mean WHO DOES THAT?!  *points fingers at self*  Yet I then doubt myself, wondering why I think I'm worthy of all that confidence.  Darn self doubt!  But dammit... I'M AWESOME!

2) I have determined that the vehicle my husband and I own (we may get a 2nd car soon!) should be named Susan.  Not Suzie.  Not Sue.  Susan!  Why?  Well I once knew a lady who had gone gray at a relatively young age, but had been a redhead most of her life.  She somehow thought the ostentatious coppery red she was dying her tresses was reminiscent of her days as a carrot top, but it really looked rather odd on her.  Sweet lady... big honking mole next to her nose... gnarly red hair... and when I look at my car (a Chevy HHR) I totally think of how the bright red of the car, coupled with the funky body type (it looks like the bastard child of a PT Cruiser & a Mini Van) is TOTALLY a Susan.

3) My husband has been working at his job for 3+ months now (I'm not sure exact dates, but it's 3ish months) and has been building up his own confidence in his work.  The fact that he's close to making the money he was making when we first started dating, and the fact that he feels like he is utilizing the skills he has (and refining aspects that need adjusting to the needs of his job) is just a HUGE deal!  He was really struggling with his self-worth and confidence for a while due to being laid off/let go from 6 or 7 jobs in the last 3ish years.  The economy tanked and he kept getting jobs, working to help make ends meet, and struggling to find somewhere where his skills and experiences were appreciated (and the money was what he felt he deserved).  I'm so grateful for this company for taking the chance on him, and while they have not truly assigned him to one area of the organization - they're still working him, training him, making him a force to be reckoned with.  My husband ROCKS!

4) In just a few short weeks I'll be 100% done with my coursework in my Masters degree program.  I feel like I've been in school for-freaking-EVER!  But look at that!  I'm not even 30 and I'm going to have my MASTERS *bleeping* DEGREE!!!!!!

I think that's enough for now.  I assure you (what few blog readers I have) that I'll be back.

Maybe it'll be to post pretty pictures of the 2nd car (which will be MY car).  Maybe it'll be to announce to the world that I landed an AMAZING job.  We'll just have to wait and see...

I guess it doesn't really matter...BUT!

How long is it you typically are in a relationship before you call your significant others parents "Mom" or "Dad".  Sometimes it is seen as a sign of respect, but does that change as you get older?  I'm in my late 20's, with my husband in his early 40's, and I'd honestly be a bit mortified if he called my parents Mom & Dad... since he is closer to their age, and it has been a first name basis since the beginning.  I call my mother in law by her name, and my father in law by "Papa (insert name)" because that's how people refer to him.

Why am I bringing this up?  I have someone who I am close to that just got married, and their spouse is already calling my friends parents "Mom" and "Dad".  That just seems weird... the parents barely know you, you married their kiddo before they ever met you, and go about calling them by the name that their children call them... I find that weird.  Am I weird for finding that weird?

*****

I go in and get take a counseling test tomorrow.  If I pass (I'm sort of certain I will) I'll be a certified Juvenile Justice Counselor.  Doesn't that sound all kinds of fancy!?!?!  :)

*****

My husband is doing fantastic at his new job.  He's been at this new place for 2.5 months (or something like that) and loves it.  He has been trained on numerous areas within the organization, has yet to come home and complain about the job (that's a first!), and he's making almost as much money now as he was when we first started dating.  We're finally getting back on track to happier financial times.  :-)

*****

I have the class I'm currently in (Statistics) and one more course (as well as my thesis)... and then BAM!  Masters Degree graduate!!!!!  I'm nervous, but excited, all at the same time.  I've grown so used to having school work, deadlines, and things like that... I've been in school for the greater part of 7ish years, but at least I've been finishing things! :)  Still trips me out that my parents were right.,.I am smart... and if I had just applied myself during my grade school years, think of where I'd be now!

*****

Happy Birthday to MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

On a day that I should feel happy, or at least celebrated, I'm feeling rather down.  Work has gone from being something I felt I was great at to being somewhere I feel like I'm constantly second guessing myself.  I have to work my birthday (just got off one graveyard shift...go back tonight for another) which I'd normally not have an issue with, but BOTH managers chose to be off last night.  So after getting my butt handed to me by BOTH managers they then turn around and take off on the 15/16th...Thanks...assholes...

I lost my money card which, if it were a regular bank, I would have just gone to the bank and withdrew money in person before reporting it lost.  But because I still have one negative account (it's almost paid off...but that doesn't solve my issue right now) I have been dealing with a Walmart Money Card.  So guess who is almost out of gas in the car, going to a theme park tomorrow (already bought tickets) without funds to get the old timey picture that we were hoping to do, and no birthday cake for me to take to work today (I know my waist line doesn't need it... but I do!).  *sigh*

I'm 29.  I'm closing in on 30.  I'm working so hard to be at a point in my life where I can celebrate things like my birthday, anniversary, and things like that...but it seems every time I get my hopes up it all comes crashing down.

I even became a catty bitch toward my husband yesterday.  We were both desperately searching for my money card, and I was dealing with having just been bitched out by management (I don't want to explain it all...just know that it was all bullshit and I can't believe that after all my hard work & dedication that they would pull this crap on me the day before my birthday!), and I was tired...and I've got a monster of a homework assignment I need to get done by Monday... and just... I was very mean to my husband and I'm left feeling awful.  I did apologize to him, we kissed and made up... but I was still mean without reason.  I let my emotions rule my words, and damn those emotions are one cruel beast!

Hopefully I get some rest today, get most of my homework done today, and get to enjoy time with my hubby and stepdaughter.  I'm just stressed, and today should be a day where I'm not overly stressed.

Life!  OI!

Emotional crap...UGH!

A while back I had scar tissue broken apart on my cervix... scar tissue left behind because I'd had a bunch of cervix cut away due to severe dysplasia (damn near cervical cancer).  For a couple months my periods were a breeze, especially after the horrible pain that I'd dealt with while trying to bleed through a scared up hole.  I am beginning to think that the only reason I felt like the pain was gone was because I was no longer in the pain so bad I threw up/passed out/wanted to die phase.  Because I'm back to hurting so bad on the first 2 days of my period that I wish I could do FMLA and miss those 2 days from work...

I will be 29 very soon, so I'm still relatively young.  But my baby is going to be 9 in April, and my step-baby is going to be 8 in January.  Having a little one now would involve going through ALL of the growing, teaching, juggling of schedules, and stuff...and I realize my life isn't getting less chaotic as I get older.  I am career oriented, just as much as I am family oriented (well...family is more important, but still...).  I know that I'd love having one more kiddo.  I'd love to have one more chance to do my best as a mother, and to have a child with my husband.  But I am also over the pain of the cysts that grow on my right ovary (seriously...I get rid of one to have another grow in its place)... I'm over the pain of having the periods cause me to cry, be nauseous, in so much pain that standing up is almost impossible...

My mother had to have a hysterectomy when she was in her early 30's.  I've had moderate to severe dysplasia at least 4 times that I remember.  I am high risk for cervical, uterine, and ovarian cancer.  I desperately want another baby, but at what cost to my health/well being?  So I've been talking with my husband, pondering/praying/asking for guidance... and I think that it's come down to this - I won't be bearing any more children.  My heart is breaking as I type this out... I placed my first son for adoption, had a miscarriage, had my 2nd son, had a miscarriage, had an abortion, and when I finally get into a relationship where I'm like "LETS HAVE A BABY!" I am realizing that I've put my body through a lot... and I'm predisposed to a lot... and I have at least had the pleasure & blessing of experiencing pregnancy.  I've felt the kicks, watched my stomach move into weird shapes, and have birthed two wonderful boys.

So that's it... I am not going to have another kid.  It makes sense for me health wise, financial wise, family wise... I can focus my energy on the children my husband and I have combined together, though we'll never have one together.  I'll be able to pay off student loan debt without worrying about paying off the debt of another child birth.  I'll be able to work on saving money and taking my kids on vacations.  I'll be able to have my kids grown and out of the house by the time I'm 40 (hopefully!) and that would put my husband at 55, and that's still young!  We could travel!  We could enjoy becoming grandparents later... we can get fur babies and take care of them throughout their lives, making sure that they know that they are loved and well cared for.

I'll be ok.  I'm just sad over the realization that this really is the best option.  It's not a spur of the moment action, and it's not something I will regret.  I've got a great marriage, great kids, and a great family...

I hope that my doctor will do the hysterectomy without me having to have cancer to do it... because of my history, both in myself and my family tree, I hope that the logic I have behind my decision will allow my doctor to determine that a hysterectomy is in my best interest and that it will therefore allow insurance to cover it.  Hello to no more periods!

*sigh*

well...SPOOP!

My co-worker was regaling me with the story of how they crapped their pants at work 2 days ago.  I laughed, they laughed, it was a mortifying experience for them but it's done and over with.

Then I started getting gaseous.  I was farting up a storm, and they were quite pungent.  Nothing like gassing out your co-worker while dealing with youth being horribly rambunctious (sometimes I wish the kids were my children and I could put them in timeout, or spank them! ANYWAY...) youth.

Then it hits.  I realize a fart I was about to release was not, in fact, a fart.  My eyes widen in fear as I rush as quickly as I can to the bathroom.  Holy sweet peeing out of my butthole HANNAH!  I was mortified because the bathroom is much like the cells...metal door, cinder block walls... every noise my body was producing was being reverberated (and my co-worker was kind enough to let me know they heard me).

I finally leave the bathroom, having sprayed copious amounts of airfreshner to attempt and cover the deadly odor that had escaped my butt, and go about my business.  But now I'm nauseous and doing that moaning/humming that most people do when trying NOT to puke.  OH - and the kids finally went to sleep (THANK GOD!).  But my co-worker was having a heck of a time not joining me in the nausea department due to the fact that my excrement smell was not being masked very well by the spray (I EVEN SHUT THE BATHROOM DOOR AND IT STILL SNUCK OUT!!!).

So about 5 more bathroom time experiences occur, and I finally begin to close the office door (the bathroom is located in the staff office...away from where youth can access it) so that I might save my co-worker the horror of hearing my internal organs falling out of my anus.

Then it's time to go home.  I go to the bathroom before leaving, but nothing comes out.  PRAISE THE LORD, IT MIGHT BE OVER!  Yeah...wishful thinking.  I am on the freeway headed home, dealing with rush-hour traffic (which is exacerbated by the construction that's going on), when traffic comes to almost a complete stop.  I am in my vehicle, screaming "GET OUT OF THE WAY!  I NEED A BATHROOM NOW!" because my stomach had begun doing the telltale rumbling.  I start moaning and groaning, and then singing "Gotta poop.  Gotta poop.  Gotta poop right now.  Please let me make it home so I don't poop in the car.  Gotta poop!"

My the grace of Allah I make it home!  I get out of the car, open the front door, and realize the flood gates have begun to fail.  I RUSH to the bathroom but didn't quite make it.  I don't know how it all worked out the way it did, but I was mid-pants off and managed to maneuver the flood coming out of my butt INTO my pants (so as not to get it on the floor...) and eventually get myself to stop long enough to sit on the toilet.

Now I've got my pants and shirt washing (I began to throw up at the same time...it was quite a sight...thank JEEBUS I MADE IT HOME), I'm sitting here typing up this wonderful tale whilst downing some pepto bismol...and hoping that whatever it is that has decided to curse me today works its way out of my body, and soon!

Because dang!

Working hard for that $$$

I love my job.  I really do.  I just hit my 1 year anniversary working there.  The thing I don't particularly like about my job, though, is the fact that there isn't much team work that goes on between the units/shifts.  I work graves, and have always worked graves.  When we've become short staffed it's been a pain in the tush to get anyone to cover shifts on the graves, and there was one guy we moved from days to graves and he promptly quit.

Thanks for the support, asshole!

It's not just graves that has difficulty gaining coverage.  It's the swing shift in the control room.  Honestly one of the most fun areas to work in, and there's enough to do that the shift flies by...but we had 1 month to find coverage for the 2 weekends that our swing shift guy needed off and not ONE single person offered to cover.  NOT ONE!

So guess who decided to volunteer and get the overtime?  Yours truly!  I've also been helping cover the graveyard shift on my days off because no one else is willing to pick up the slack... not even the part time people, or those who are on call.

Our last work meeting involved everyone saying we have fantastic team work, we just have a few things to work on... and I feel, in all honesty, that the supervisors who put the team work meeting on were only looking at their actual unit.  The other units don't really work together.  You have the polynesian crowd who like to congregate together, and that's cool.  But the other day when I was working a double shift I was totally passed over, ignored, while the polynesian posse got together and had a feast of delicious polynesian food.  It wasn't until I asked what they were having that anything was offered to me... and there was MORE THAN ENOUGH for the entire workforce to have been fed.

Thanks for ignoring the white girl.

Also - day shift and swing shift like to try and make it look like it's the graveyard shift that causes the most issues with the bed-check reports.  I'm sorry...say what?  Graveyard shift on the units involves us doing bed-checks every 10-15 minutes, hitting every door that has a youth behind it, and doing it EVERY 10-15 minutes throughout the night.  We also get the laundry for the entire facility done on the graveyard shift.  But whenever there are issues with the reports on bed checks it's never the day shift or swing shift, who happen to RARELY do bed checks...it's always blamed on the graveyard shift.  Our job is bed checks...unless we're sleeping (which YES, some of the staff do...pisses me off...but that's another story for another day) our bed checks are always on time, in order, and never missed.

AUGH!  The team work that our company needs is to actually cause all 3 separate units to come together at the end of their shifts, fill in on how the shift went, and work on building up a relationship between everyone.  We also need to know that us graveyard people will be recognized for all the work we do... I've been with my job for a year and have yet to get any recognition for attendance, work ethic, the fact that I go above and beyond my job to make sure the other shifts have it easier...thanks for the recognition.  Just because they don't recognize me doesn't mean that I slack, though.  I keep doing what I'm doing, and maybe one day the recognition will come through.  This is the first job I've thoroughly enjoyed doing... it's just that some of the people I work with are complete doofuses.

AUGH!

So here's to having 130ish hours on my next paycheck.  Because I'm awesome.  Or something.