I guess it doesn't really matter...BUT!

How long is it you typically are in a relationship before you call your significant others parents "Mom" or "Dad".  Sometimes it is seen as a sign of respect, but does that change as you get older?  I'm in my late 20's, with my husband in his early 40's, and I'd honestly be a bit mortified if he called my parents Mom & Dad... since he is closer to their age, and it has been a first name basis since the beginning.  I call my mother in law by her name, and my father in law by "Papa (insert name)" because that's how people refer to him.

Why am I bringing this up?  I have someone who I am close to that just got married, and their spouse is already calling my friends parents "Mom" and "Dad".  That just seems weird... the parents barely know you, you married their kiddo before they ever met you, and go about calling them by the name that their children call them... I find that weird.  Am I weird for finding that weird?

*****

I go in and get take a counseling test tomorrow.  If I pass (I'm sort of certain I will) I'll be a certified Juvenile Justice Counselor.  Doesn't that sound all kinds of fancy!?!?!  :)

*****

My husband is doing fantastic at his new job.  He's been at this new place for 2.5 months (or something like that) and loves it.  He has been trained on numerous areas within the organization, has yet to come home and complain about the job (that's a first!), and he's making almost as much money now as he was when we first started dating.  We're finally getting back on track to happier financial times.  :-)

*****

I have the class I'm currently in (Statistics) and one more course (as well as my thesis)... and then BAM!  Masters Degree graduate!!!!!  I'm nervous, but excited, all at the same time.  I've grown so used to having school work, deadlines, and things like that... I've been in school for the greater part of 7ish years, but at least I've been finishing things! :)  Still trips me out that my parents were right.,.I am smart... and if I had just applied myself during my grade school years, think of where I'd be now!

*****

Happy Birthday to MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

On a day that I should feel happy, or at least celebrated, I'm feeling rather down.  Work has gone from being something I felt I was great at to being somewhere I feel like I'm constantly second guessing myself.  I have to work my birthday (just got off one graveyard shift...go back tonight for another) which I'd normally not have an issue with, but BOTH managers chose to be off last night.  So after getting my butt handed to me by BOTH managers they then turn around and take off on the 15/16th...Thanks...assholes...

I lost my money card which, if it were a regular bank, I would have just gone to the bank and withdrew money in person before reporting it lost.  But because I still have one negative account (it's almost paid off...but that doesn't solve my issue right now) I have been dealing with a Walmart Money Card.  So guess who is almost out of gas in the car, going to a theme park tomorrow (already bought tickets) without funds to get the old timey picture that we were hoping to do, and no birthday cake for me to take to work today (I know my waist line doesn't need it... but I do!).  *sigh*

I'm 29.  I'm closing in on 30.  I'm working so hard to be at a point in my life where I can celebrate things like my birthday, anniversary, and things like that...but it seems every time I get my hopes up it all comes crashing down.

I even became a catty bitch toward my husband yesterday.  We were both desperately searching for my money card, and I was dealing with having just been bitched out by management (I don't want to explain it all...just know that it was all bullshit and I can't believe that after all my hard work & dedication that they would pull this crap on me the day before my birthday!), and I was tired...and I've got a monster of a homework assignment I need to get done by Monday... and just... I was very mean to my husband and I'm left feeling awful.  I did apologize to him, we kissed and made up... but I was still mean without reason.  I let my emotions rule my words, and damn those emotions are one cruel beast!

Hopefully I get some rest today, get most of my homework done today, and get to enjoy time with my hubby and stepdaughter.  I'm just stressed, and today should be a day where I'm not overly stressed.

Life!  OI!

Emotional crap...UGH!

A while back I had scar tissue broken apart on my cervix... scar tissue left behind because I'd had a bunch of cervix cut away due to severe dysplasia (damn near cervical cancer).  For a couple months my periods were a breeze, especially after the horrible pain that I'd dealt with while trying to bleed through a scared up hole.  I am beginning to think that the only reason I felt like the pain was gone was because I was no longer in the pain so bad I threw up/passed out/wanted to die phase.  Because I'm back to hurting so bad on the first 2 days of my period that I wish I could do FMLA and miss those 2 days from work...

I will be 29 very soon, so I'm still relatively young.  But my baby is going to be 9 in April, and my step-baby is going to be 8 in January.  Having a little one now would involve going through ALL of the growing, teaching, juggling of schedules, and stuff...and I realize my life isn't getting less chaotic as I get older.  I am career oriented, just as much as I am family oriented (well...family is more important, but still...).  I know that I'd love having one more kiddo.  I'd love to have one more chance to do my best as a mother, and to have a child with my husband.  But I am also over the pain of the cysts that grow on my right ovary (seriously...I get rid of one to have another grow in its place)... I'm over the pain of having the periods cause me to cry, be nauseous, in so much pain that standing up is almost impossible...

My mother had to have a hysterectomy when she was in her early 30's.  I've had moderate to severe dysplasia at least 4 times that I remember.  I am high risk for cervical, uterine, and ovarian cancer.  I desperately want another baby, but at what cost to my health/well being?  So I've been talking with my husband, pondering/praying/asking for guidance... and I think that it's come down to this - I won't be bearing any more children.  My heart is breaking as I type this out... I placed my first son for adoption, had a miscarriage, had my 2nd son, had a miscarriage, had an abortion, and when I finally get into a relationship where I'm like "LETS HAVE A BABY!" I am realizing that I've put my body through a lot... and I'm predisposed to a lot... and I have at least had the pleasure & blessing of experiencing pregnancy.  I've felt the kicks, watched my stomach move into weird shapes, and have birthed two wonderful boys.

So that's it... I am not going to have another kid.  It makes sense for me health wise, financial wise, family wise... I can focus my energy on the children my husband and I have combined together, though we'll never have one together.  I'll be able to pay off student loan debt without worrying about paying off the debt of another child birth.  I'll be able to work on saving money and taking my kids on vacations.  I'll be able to have my kids grown and out of the house by the time I'm 40 (hopefully!) and that would put my husband at 55, and that's still young!  We could travel!  We could enjoy becoming grandparents later... we can get fur babies and take care of them throughout their lives, making sure that they know that they are loved and well cared for.

I'll be ok.  I'm just sad over the realization that this really is the best option.  It's not a spur of the moment action, and it's not something I will regret.  I've got a great marriage, great kids, and a great family...

I hope that my doctor will do the hysterectomy without me having to have cancer to do it... because of my history, both in myself and my family tree, I hope that the logic I have behind my decision will allow my doctor to determine that a hysterectomy is in my best interest and that it will therefore allow insurance to cover it.  Hello to no more periods!

*sigh*

well...SPOOP!

My co-worker was regaling me with the story of how they crapped their pants at work 2 days ago.  I laughed, they laughed, it was a mortifying experience for them but it's done and over with.

Then I started getting gaseous.  I was farting up a storm, and they were quite pungent.  Nothing like gassing out your co-worker while dealing with youth being horribly rambunctious (sometimes I wish the kids were my children and I could put them in timeout, or spank them! ANYWAY...) youth.

Then it hits.  I realize a fart I was about to release was not, in fact, a fart.  My eyes widen in fear as I rush as quickly as I can to the bathroom.  Holy sweet peeing out of my butthole HANNAH!  I was mortified because the bathroom is much like the cells...metal door, cinder block walls... every noise my body was producing was being reverberated (and my co-worker was kind enough to let me know they heard me).

I finally leave the bathroom, having sprayed copious amounts of airfreshner to attempt and cover the deadly odor that had escaped my butt, and go about my business.  But now I'm nauseous and doing that moaning/humming that most people do when trying NOT to puke.  OH - and the kids finally went to sleep (THANK GOD!).  But my co-worker was having a heck of a time not joining me in the nausea department due to the fact that my excrement smell was not being masked very well by the spray (I EVEN SHUT THE BATHROOM DOOR AND IT STILL SNUCK OUT!!!).

So about 5 more bathroom time experiences occur, and I finally begin to close the office door (the bathroom is located in the staff office...away from where youth can access it) so that I might save my co-worker the horror of hearing my internal organs falling out of my anus.

Then it's time to go home.  I go to the bathroom before leaving, but nothing comes out.  PRAISE THE LORD, IT MIGHT BE OVER!  Yeah...wishful thinking.  I am on the freeway headed home, dealing with rush-hour traffic (which is exacerbated by the construction that's going on), when traffic comes to almost a complete stop.  I am in my vehicle, screaming "GET OUT OF THE WAY!  I NEED A BATHROOM NOW!" because my stomach had begun doing the telltale rumbling.  I start moaning and groaning, and then singing "Gotta poop.  Gotta poop.  Gotta poop right now.  Please let me make it home so I don't poop in the car.  Gotta poop!"

My the grace of Allah I make it home!  I get out of the car, open the front door, and realize the flood gates have begun to fail.  I RUSH to the bathroom but didn't quite make it.  I don't know how it all worked out the way it did, but I was mid-pants off and managed to maneuver the flood coming out of my butt INTO my pants (so as not to get it on the floor...) and eventually get myself to stop long enough to sit on the toilet.

Now I've got my pants and shirt washing (I began to throw up at the same time...it was quite a sight...thank JEEBUS I MADE IT HOME), I'm sitting here typing up this wonderful tale whilst downing some pepto bismol...and hoping that whatever it is that has decided to curse me today works its way out of my body, and soon!

Because dang!

Working hard for that $$$

I love my job.  I really do.  I just hit my 1 year anniversary working there.  The thing I don't particularly like about my job, though, is the fact that there isn't much team work that goes on between the units/shifts.  I work graves, and have always worked graves.  When we've become short staffed it's been a pain in the tush to get anyone to cover shifts on the graves, and there was one guy we moved from days to graves and he promptly quit.

Thanks for the support, asshole!

It's not just graves that has difficulty gaining coverage.  It's the swing shift in the control room.  Honestly one of the most fun areas to work in, and there's enough to do that the shift flies by...but we had 1 month to find coverage for the 2 weekends that our swing shift guy needed off and not ONE single person offered to cover.  NOT ONE!

So guess who decided to volunteer and get the overtime?  Yours truly!  I've also been helping cover the graveyard shift on my days off because no one else is willing to pick up the slack... not even the part time people, or those who are on call.

Our last work meeting involved everyone saying we have fantastic team work, we just have a few things to work on... and I feel, in all honesty, that the supervisors who put the team work meeting on were only looking at their actual unit.  The other units don't really work together.  You have the polynesian crowd who like to congregate together, and that's cool.  But the other day when I was working a double shift I was totally passed over, ignored, while the polynesian posse got together and had a feast of delicious polynesian food.  It wasn't until I asked what they were having that anything was offered to me... and there was MORE THAN ENOUGH for the entire workforce to have been fed.

Thanks for ignoring the white girl.

Also - day shift and swing shift like to try and make it look like it's the graveyard shift that causes the most issues with the bed-check reports.  I'm sorry...say what?  Graveyard shift on the units involves us doing bed-checks every 10-15 minutes, hitting every door that has a youth behind it, and doing it EVERY 10-15 minutes throughout the night.  We also get the laundry for the entire facility done on the graveyard shift.  But whenever there are issues with the reports on bed checks it's never the day shift or swing shift, who happen to RARELY do bed checks...it's always blamed on the graveyard shift.  Our job is bed checks...unless we're sleeping (which YES, some of the staff do...pisses me off...but that's another story for another day) our bed checks are always on time, in order, and never missed.

AUGH!  The team work that our company needs is to actually cause all 3 separate units to come together at the end of their shifts, fill in on how the shift went, and work on building up a relationship between everyone.  We also need to know that us graveyard people will be recognized for all the work we do... I've been with my job for a year and have yet to get any recognition for attendance, work ethic, the fact that I go above and beyond my job to make sure the other shifts have it easier...thanks for the recognition.  Just because they don't recognize me doesn't mean that I slack, though.  I keep doing what I'm doing, and maybe one day the recognition will come through.  This is the first job I've thoroughly enjoyed doing... it's just that some of the people I work with are complete doofuses.

AUGH!

So here's to having 130ish hours on my next paycheck.  Because I'm awesome.  Or something.

Rambling updates

So hubby did not get the job we'd been hoping for.  He passed the interview, was offered the job, passed the criminal background check but the company cancelled the offer based on D's credit report.  :-(  So we're still stuck in a horrible financial situation.  We'll survive, but there's so much of a struggle going on and I'm just so overwhelmed with all the scenarios running through my head.  I'm lucky to have the family I have because they are here to help in any way they can, so I know that we'll be ok.

I didn't initially get the part time job I was hoping for, but they've given me a chance to try the testing process one more time.  I am really not looking forward to working a 2nd job, but I need to do something to make sure that my family does more than tread water.  I desperately want to take my kids to the local theme park at least once this summer... have something fun for them to remember that isn't based solely at home or the immediate surrounding area.  At least once.  ><

I met my Aunt and Uncle on my biological fathers side of the family.  They stayed in my home from Sunday to Wednesday a week ago.  I am so glad to have had the chance to meet them, get to know them, and finally have a positive memory to associate with the last name.  The Aunt and Uncle also contacted a cousin I have living in a neighboring state from me, and he came down for the visit.  He stayed for a day, and it was just awesome to have 3 people I'd never known existed suddenly break down many of my preconceived ideas of the family name...

Also - apparently I'm 1/4 Native American (Abenaki).  I am the whitest freaking Indian I know, but I do think it's cool that I've been learning a lot about my heritage.

School is going well.  Other than the fact that I'm in a team that is full of older ladies that can't seem to grow out of the petty beyotch stage.  But I managed to get them to pull their heads out of their hineys long enough to get the assignment for last week done.  Here's hoping the following weeks go smoother.  I'm getting an A in this class.  I'm getting my GPA up there.  If I keep going on this track I might actually hit a 3.75 GPA for my Masters degree graduation!  :-)

There.  Small tidbit of the things going on in my life.  More updates will follow.

Sad times...

What a week this has been.  Found out my biological Uncle and Aunt will be here on Sunday for a few days (and it will be my first time meeting them - they're from my biodads side).  So I'm stressing over that.  My sister-in-law lost her little sister, and that's just been a sad time that reminds us about mortality.  Stressing over finances (we're still struggling to get caught up after D was unemployed for a while).  Then today I was holding my fur nephew (an adorable little chihuahua/pug mix) when he leaped out of my arms, landing on his leg wrong, and shattering it.  So now there is surgery tomorrow to amputate his poor little leg.

I know it was an accident, and I didn't actually mean to hurt the little fur-dude.  But this has caused me to have my first "ugly cry" since starting my anti-depressants.  Part of that is relieving, knowing that I am capable of actually breaking down and crying.  The other part of me feels stupid for freaking out as badly as I have.  What's worse is that my Mom is worried that this incident, and my reaction to the incident, may push me into my dark place.

Here she is, worried about me...after she lets me know that their car isn't being fixed quick and easy, therefore pushing past the expiration of the tags.  They're broke.  They need to save funds...and then BAM!  Herman (the chug) blasts apart his leg because I wasn't low enough to the ground for him to not get hurt, or I didn't hold him tight enough to keep him from doing a swan dive to the tile, or SOMETHING... and so I feel like it's my fault that my parents are in an even tighter financial situation.

I'm getting so frustrated over the fact that I feel like such a mooch.  I'm frustrated that food stamps didn't come through, and that I'm left hoping to have even $30 after paying necessary bills so that we can get the bare minimum for my home.  It's also summer time, so I'm now in charge of feeding my kids all through the day...and so the cost for food goes up.  But do I have any additional income that helps?  NOOOOOO.  I'm waiting to hear back from the part time job I did the testing for (yes, Mom.  I never got the book from you but was able to manage to do the test.  :-P ) and see if I was able to pass.  If that works out then I'll have an additional $300-$600/mo coming in.  That'll be nice, but I'm certain it'll vanish the moment it hits my account.

I just need to find a way to get my cupboards and pantry and freezer completely stocked.  If I could get them filled to the breaking point, I wouldn't worry any more.  I can afford to replace what is used, but trying to get the stuff that is needed in the first place is being a pain in the freaking TUSH!

I know I'm going to be ok.  I'm praying (and I'm not much for prayer) that D gets the job that gives him a $7/hr raise.  I'm hoping that my performance review that is coming up at work will allow me to get the raise I hope for.  I'm so sick and tired of being stressed, depressed, worried, and feeling like a mooch off peoples happiness.  I'm doing the best I can with what I've got...I won't give up.

Why does life have to be such a bitch!?!?  *grumble*