On a day that I should feel happy, or at least celebrated, I'm feeling rather down. Work has gone from being something I felt I was great at to being somewhere I feel like I'm constantly second guessing myself. I have to work my birthday (just got off one graveyard shift...go back tonight for another) which I'd normally not have an issue with, but BOTH managers chose to be off last night. So after getting my butt handed to me by BOTH managers they then turn around and take off on the 15/16th...Thanks...assholes...
I lost my money card which, if it were a regular bank, I would have just gone to the bank and withdrew money in person before reporting it lost. But because I still have one negative account (it's almost paid off...but that doesn't solve my issue right now) I have been dealing with a Walmart Money Card. So guess who is almost out of gas in the car, going to a theme park tomorrow (already bought tickets) without funds to get the old timey picture that we were hoping to do, and no birthday cake for me to take to work today (I know my waist line doesn't need it... but I do!). *sigh*
I'm 29. I'm closing in on 30. I'm working so hard to be at a point in my life where I can celebrate things like my birthday, anniversary, and things like that...but it seems every time I get my hopes up it all comes crashing down.
I even became a catty bitch toward my husband yesterday. We were both desperately searching for my money card, and I was dealing with having just been bitched out by management (I don't want to explain it all...just know that it was all bullshit and I can't believe that after all my hard work & dedication that they would pull this crap on me the day before my birthday!), and I was tired...and I've got a monster of a homework assignment I need to get done by Monday... and just... I was very mean to my husband and I'm left feeling awful. I did apologize to him, we kissed and made up... but I was still mean without reason. I let my emotions rule my words, and damn those emotions are one cruel beast!
Hopefully I get some rest today, get most of my homework done today, and get to enjoy time with my hubby and stepdaughter. I'm just stressed, and today should be a day where I'm not overly stressed.
Life! OI!
Saturday, August 16, 2014
Saturday, August 9, 2014
Emotional crap...UGH!
A while back I had scar tissue broken apart on my cervix... scar tissue left behind because I'd had a bunch of cervix cut away due to severe dysplasia (damn near cervical cancer). For a couple months my periods were a breeze, especially after the horrible pain that I'd dealt with while trying to bleed through a scared up hole. I am beginning to think that the only reason I felt like the pain was gone was because I was no longer in the pain so bad I threw up/passed out/wanted to die phase. Because I'm back to hurting so bad on the first 2 days of my period that I wish I could do FMLA and miss those 2 days from work...
I will be 29 very soon, so I'm still relatively young. But my baby is going to be 9 in April, and my step-baby is going to be 8 in January. Having a little one now would involve going through ALL of the growing, teaching, juggling of schedules, and stuff...and I realize my life isn't getting less chaotic as I get older. I am career oriented, just as much as I am family oriented (well...family is more important, but still...). I know that I'd love having one more kiddo. I'd love to have one more chance to do my best as a mother, and to have a child with my husband. But I am also over the pain of the cysts that grow on my right ovary (seriously...I get rid of one to have another grow in its place)... I'm over the pain of having the periods cause me to cry, be nauseous, in so much pain that standing up is almost impossible...
My mother had to have a hysterectomy when she was in her early 30's. I've had moderate to severe dysplasia at least 4 times that I remember. I am high risk for cervical, uterine, and ovarian cancer. I desperately want another baby, but at what cost to my health/well being? So I've been talking with my husband, pondering/praying/asking for guidance... and I think that it's come down to this - I won't be bearing any more children. My heart is breaking as I type this out... I placed my first son for adoption, had a miscarriage, had my 2nd son, had a miscarriage, had an abortion, and when I finally get into a relationship where I'm like "LETS HAVE A BABY!" I am realizing that I've put my body through a lot... and I'm predisposed to a lot... and I have at least had the pleasure & blessing of experiencing pregnancy. I've felt the kicks, watched my stomach move into weird shapes, and have birthed two wonderful boys.
So that's it... I am not going to have another kid. It makes sense for me health wise, financial wise, family wise... I can focus my energy on the children my husband and I have combined together, though we'll never have one together. I'll be able to pay off student loan debt without worrying about paying off the debt of another child birth. I'll be able to work on saving money and taking my kids on vacations. I'll be able to have my kids grown and out of the house by the time I'm 40 (hopefully!) and that would put my husband at 55, and that's still young! We could travel! We could enjoy becoming grandparents later... we can get fur babies and take care of them throughout their lives, making sure that they know that they are loved and well cared for.
I'll be ok. I'm just sad over the realization that this really is the best option. It's not a spur of the moment action, and it's not something I will regret. I've got a great marriage, great kids, and a great family...
I hope that my doctor will do the hysterectomy without me having to have cancer to do it... because of my history, both in myself and my family tree, I hope that the logic I have behind my decision will allow my doctor to determine that a hysterectomy is in my best interest and that it will therefore allow insurance to cover it. Hello to no more periods!
*sigh*
I will be 29 very soon, so I'm still relatively young. But my baby is going to be 9 in April, and my step-baby is going to be 8 in January. Having a little one now would involve going through ALL of the growing, teaching, juggling of schedules, and stuff...and I realize my life isn't getting less chaotic as I get older. I am career oriented, just as much as I am family oriented (well...family is more important, but still...). I know that I'd love having one more kiddo. I'd love to have one more chance to do my best as a mother, and to have a child with my husband. But I am also over the pain of the cysts that grow on my right ovary (seriously...I get rid of one to have another grow in its place)... I'm over the pain of having the periods cause me to cry, be nauseous, in so much pain that standing up is almost impossible...
My mother had to have a hysterectomy when she was in her early 30's. I've had moderate to severe dysplasia at least 4 times that I remember. I am high risk for cervical, uterine, and ovarian cancer. I desperately want another baby, but at what cost to my health/well being? So I've been talking with my husband, pondering/praying/asking for guidance... and I think that it's come down to this - I won't be bearing any more children. My heart is breaking as I type this out... I placed my first son for adoption, had a miscarriage, had my 2nd son, had a miscarriage, had an abortion, and when I finally get into a relationship where I'm like "LETS HAVE A BABY!" I am realizing that I've put my body through a lot... and I'm predisposed to a lot... and I have at least had the pleasure & blessing of experiencing pregnancy. I've felt the kicks, watched my stomach move into weird shapes, and have birthed two wonderful boys.
So that's it... I am not going to have another kid. It makes sense for me health wise, financial wise, family wise... I can focus my energy on the children my husband and I have combined together, though we'll never have one together. I'll be able to pay off student loan debt without worrying about paying off the debt of another child birth. I'll be able to work on saving money and taking my kids on vacations. I'll be able to have my kids grown and out of the house by the time I'm 40 (hopefully!) and that would put my husband at 55, and that's still young! We could travel! We could enjoy becoming grandparents later... we can get fur babies and take care of them throughout their lives, making sure that they know that they are loved and well cared for.
I'll be ok. I'm just sad over the realization that this really is the best option. It's not a spur of the moment action, and it's not something I will regret. I've got a great marriage, great kids, and a great family...
I hope that my doctor will do the hysterectomy without me having to have cancer to do it... because of my history, both in myself and my family tree, I hope that the logic I have behind my decision will allow my doctor to determine that a hysterectomy is in my best interest and that it will therefore allow insurance to cover it. Hello to no more periods!
*sigh*
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