Sunday, November 9, 2014

Dusting off the blog!

I started this blog with the greatest intentions of keeping it updated regularly.  I have failed... but I am not giving up on it!  There's a lot to update, but I'm going to try and not make this a complete novella.

1) I might have finally succeeded in my career goal.  I've wanted to be a victim advocate for as long as I can remember.  I want to help children who are victimized gain the skills, have access to the tools, to become survivors of their stories.  I did a 2nd interview to become a Social Worker, and to be honest I feel quite confident about how I "sold" myself... I don't know where this confidence is coming from.  I mean - I know I'm educated, I know that I've got the fire in my soul that would make me a fantastic social worker, I know that I am worthy of this confident feeling... but the fact that I've been doubting myself less and less actually scares me.  I hope it isn't coming across as cocky, but more often than not I'm finding myself saying "DAMN GIRL!  You're AWESOME!" as I look in the mirror.

I mean WHO DOES THAT?!  *points fingers at self*  Yet I then doubt myself, wondering why I think I'm worthy of all that confidence.  Darn self doubt!  But dammit... I'M AWESOME!

2) I have determined that the vehicle my husband and I own (we may get a 2nd car soon!) should be named Susan.  Not Suzie.  Not Sue.  Susan!  Why?  Well I once knew a lady who had gone gray at a relatively young age, but had been a redhead most of her life.  She somehow thought the ostentatious coppery red she was dying her tresses was reminiscent of her days as a carrot top, but it really looked rather odd on her.  Sweet lady... big honking mole next to her nose... gnarly red hair... and when I look at my car (a Chevy HHR) I totally think of how the bright red of the car, coupled with the funky body type (it looks like the bastard child of a PT Cruiser & a Mini Van) is TOTALLY a Susan.

3) My husband has been working at his job for 3+ months now (I'm not sure exact dates, but it's 3ish months) and has been building up his own confidence in his work.  The fact that he's close to making the money he was making when we first started dating, and the fact that he feels like he is utilizing the skills he has (and refining aspects that need adjusting to the needs of his job) is just a HUGE deal!  He was really struggling with his self-worth and confidence for a while due to being laid off/let go from 6 or 7 jobs in the last 3ish years.  The economy tanked and he kept getting jobs, working to help make ends meet, and struggling to find somewhere where his skills and experiences were appreciated (and the money was what he felt he deserved).  I'm so grateful for this company for taking the chance on him, and while they have not truly assigned him to one area of the organization - they're still working him, training him, making him a force to be reckoned with.  My husband ROCKS!

4) In just a few short weeks I'll be 100% done with my coursework in my Masters degree program.  I feel like I've been in school for-freaking-EVER!  But look at that!  I'm not even 30 and I'm going to have my MASTERS *bleeping* DEGREE!!!!!!

I think that's enough for now.  I assure you (what few blog readers I have) that I'll be back.

Maybe it'll be to post pretty pictures of the 2nd car (which will be MY car).  Maybe it'll be to announce to the world that I landed an AMAZING job.  We'll just have to wait and see...

Thursday, September 18, 2014

I guess it doesn't really matter...BUT!

How long is it you typically are in a relationship before you call your significant others parents "Mom" or "Dad".  Sometimes it is seen as a sign of respect, but does that change as you get older?  I'm in my late 20's, with my husband in his early 40's, and I'd honestly be a bit mortified if he called my parents Mom & Dad... since he is closer to their age, and it has been a first name basis since the beginning.  I call my mother in law by her name, and my father in law by "Papa (insert name)" because that's how people refer to him.

Why am I bringing this up?  I have someone who I am close to that just got married, and their spouse is already calling my friends parents "Mom" and "Dad".  That just seems weird... the parents barely know you, you married their kiddo before they ever met you, and go about calling them by the name that their children call them... I find that weird.  Am I weird for finding that weird?

*****

I go in and get take a counseling test tomorrow.  If I pass (I'm sort of certain I will) I'll be a certified Juvenile Justice Counselor.  Doesn't that sound all kinds of fancy!?!?!  :)

*****

My husband is doing fantastic at his new job.  He's been at this new place for 2.5 months (or something like that) and loves it.  He has been trained on numerous areas within the organization, has yet to come home and complain about the job (that's a first!), and he's making almost as much money now as he was when we first started dating.  We're finally getting back on track to happier financial times.  :-)

*****

I have the class I'm currently in (Statistics) and one more course (as well as my thesis)... and then BAM!  Masters Degree graduate!!!!!  I'm nervous, but excited, all at the same time.  I've grown so used to having school work, deadlines, and things like that... I've been in school for the greater part of 7ish years, but at least I've been finishing things! :)  Still trips me out that my parents were right.,.I am smart... and if I had just applied myself during my grade school years, think of where I'd be now!

*****

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Happy Birthday to MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

On a day that I should feel happy, or at least celebrated, I'm feeling rather down.  Work has gone from being something I felt I was great at to being somewhere I feel like I'm constantly second guessing myself.  I have to work my birthday (just got off one graveyard shift...go back tonight for another) which I'd normally not have an issue with, but BOTH managers chose to be off last night.  So after getting my butt handed to me by BOTH managers they then turn around and take off on the 15/16th...Thanks...assholes...

I lost my money card which, if it were a regular bank, I would have just gone to the bank and withdrew money in person before reporting it lost.  But because I still have one negative account (it's almost paid off...but that doesn't solve my issue right now) I have been dealing with a Walmart Money Card.  So guess who is almost out of gas in the car, going to a theme park tomorrow (already bought tickets) without funds to get the old timey picture that we were hoping to do, and no birthday cake for me to take to work today (I know my waist line doesn't need it... but I do!).  *sigh*

I'm 29.  I'm closing in on 30.  I'm working so hard to be at a point in my life where I can celebrate things like my birthday, anniversary, and things like that...but it seems every time I get my hopes up it all comes crashing down.

I even became a catty bitch toward my husband yesterday.  We were both desperately searching for my money card, and I was dealing with having just been bitched out by management (I don't want to explain it all...just know that it was all bullshit and I can't believe that after all my hard work & dedication that they would pull this crap on me the day before my birthday!), and I was tired...and I've got a monster of a homework assignment I need to get done by Monday... and just... I was very mean to my husband and I'm left feeling awful.  I did apologize to him, we kissed and made up... but I was still mean without reason.  I let my emotions rule my words, and damn those emotions are one cruel beast!

Hopefully I get some rest today, get most of my homework done today, and get to enjoy time with my hubby and stepdaughter.  I'm just stressed, and today should be a day where I'm not overly stressed.

Life!  OI!

Saturday, August 9, 2014

Emotional crap...UGH!

A while back I had scar tissue broken apart on my cervix... scar tissue left behind because I'd had a bunch of cervix cut away due to severe dysplasia (damn near cervical cancer).  For a couple months my periods were a breeze, especially after the horrible pain that I'd dealt with while trying to bleed through a scared up hole.  I am beginning to think that the only reason I felt like the pain was gone was because I was no longer in the pain so bad I threw up/passed out/wanted to die phase.  Because I'm back to hurting so bad on the first 2 days of my period that I wish I could do FMLA and miss those 2 days from work...

I will be 29 very soon, so I'm still relatively young.  But my baby is going to be 9 in April, and my step-baby is going to be 8 in January.  Having a little one now would involve going through ALL of the growing, teaching, juggling of schedules, and stuff...and I realize my life isn't getting less chaotic as I get older.  I am career oriented, just as much as I am family oriented (well...family is more important, but still...).  I know that I'd love having one more kiddo.  I'd love to have one more chance to do my best as a mother, and to have a child with my husband.  But I am also over the pain of the cysts that grow on my right ovary (seriously...I get rid of one to have another grow in its place)... I'm over the pain of having the periods cause me to cry, be nauseous, in so much pain that standing up is almost impossible...

My mother had to have a hysterectomy when she was in her early 30's.  I've had moderate to severe dysplasia at least 4 times that I remember.  I am high risk for cervical, uterine, and ovarian cancer.  I desperately want another baby, but at what cost to my health/well being?  So I've been talking with my husband, pondering/praying/asking for guidance... and I think that it's come down to this - I won't be bearing any more children.  My heart is breaking as I type this out... I placed my first son for adoption, had a miscarriage, had my 2nd son, had a miscarriage, had an abortion, and when I finally get into a relationship where I'm like "LETS HAVE A BABY!" I am realizing that I've put my body through a lot... and I'm predisposed to a lot... and I have at least had the pleasure & blessing of experiencing pregnancy.  I've felt the kicks, watched my stomach move into weird shapes, and have birthed two wonderful boys.

So that's it... I am not going to have another kid.  It makes sense for me health wise, financial wise, family wise... I can focus my energy on the children my husband and I have combined together, though we'll never have one together.  I'll be able to pay off student loan debt without worrying about paying off the debt of another child birth.  I'll be able to work on saving money and taking my kids on vacations.  I'll be able to have my kids grown and out of the house by the time I'm 40 (hopefully!) and that would put my husband at 55, and that's still young!  We could travel!  We could enjoy becoming grandparents later... we can get fur babies and take care of them throughout their lives, making sure that they know that they are loved and well cared for.

I'll be ok.  I'm just sad over the realization that this really is the best option.  It's not a spur of the moment action, and it's not something I will regret.  I've got a great marriage, great kids, and a great family...

I hope that my doctor will do the hysterectomy without me having to have cancer to do it... because of my history, both in myself and my family tree, I hope that the logic I have behind my decision will allow my doctor to determine that a hysterectomy is in my best interest and that it will therefore allow insurance to cover it.  Hello to no more periods!

*sigh*

Friday, July 18, 2014

well...SPOOP!

My co-worker was regaling me with the story of how they crapped their pants at work 2 days ago.  I laughed, they laughed, it was a mortifying experience for them but it's done and over with.

Then I started getting gaseous.  I was farting up a storm, and they were quite pungent.  Nothing like gassing out your co-worker while dealing with youth being horribly rambunctious (sometimes I wish the kids were my children and I could put them in timeout, or spank them! ANYWAY...) youth.

Then it hits.  I realize a fart I was about to release was not, in fact, a fart.  My eyes widen in fear as I rush as quickly as I can to the bathroom.  Holy sweet peeing out of my butthole HANNAH!  I was mortified because the bathroom is much like the cells...metal door, cinder block walls... every noise my body was producing was being reverberated (and my co-worker was kind enough to let me know they heard me).

I finally leave the bathroom, having sprayed copious amounts of airfreshner to attempt and cover the deadly odor that had escaped my butt, and go about my business.  But now I'm nauseous and doing that moaning/humming that most people do when trying NOT to puke.  OH - and the kids finally went to sleep (THANK GOD!).  But my co-worker was having a heck of a time not joining me in the nausea department due to the fact that my excrement smell was not being masked very well by the spray (I EVEN SHUT THE BATHROOM DOOR AND IT STILL SNUCK OUT!!!).

So about 5 more bathroom time experiences occur, and I finally begin to close the office door (the bathroom is located in the staff office...away from where youth can access it) so that I might save my co-worker the horror of hearing my internal organs falling out of my anus.

Then it's time to go home.  I go to the bathroom before leaving, but nothing comes out.  PRAISE THE LORD, IT MIGHT BE OVER!  Yeah...wishful thinking.  I am on the freeway headed home, dealing with rush-hour traffic (which is exacerbated by the construction that's going on), when traffic comes to almost a complete stop.  I am in my vehicle, screaming "GET OUT OF THE WAY!  I NEED A BATHROOM NOW!" because my stomach had begun doing the telltale rumbling.  I start moaning and groaning, and then singing "Gotta poop.  Gotta poop.  Gotta poop right now.  Please let me make it home so I don't poop in the car.  Gotta poop!"

My the grace of Allah I make it home!  I get out of the car, open the front door, and realize the flood gates have begun to fail.  I RUSH to the bathroom but didn't quite make it.  I don't know how it all worked out the way it did, but I was mid-pants off and managed to maneuver the flood coming out of my butt INTO my pants (so as not to get it on the floor...) and eventually get myself to stop long enough to sit on the toilet.

Now I've got my pants and shirt washing (I began to throw up at the same time...it was quite a sight...thank JEEBUS I MADE IT HOME), I'm sitting here typing up this wonderful tale whilst downing some pepto bismol...and hoping that whatever it is that has decided to curse me today works its way out of my body, and soon!

Because dang!

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Working hard for that $$$

I love my job.  I really do.  I just hit my 1 year anniversary working there.  The thing I don't particularly like about my job, though, is the fact that there isn't much team work that goes on between the units/shifts.  I work graves, and have always worked graves.  When we've become short staffed it's been a pain in the tush to get anyone to cover shifts on the graves, and there was one guy we moved from days to graves and he promptly quit.

Thanks for the support, asshole!

It's not just graves that has difficulty gaining coverage.  It's the swing shift in the control room.  Honestly one of the most fun areas to work in, and there's enough to do that the shift flies by...but we had 1 month to find coverage for the 2 weekends that our swing shift guy needed off and not ONE single person offered to cover.  NOT ONE!

So guess who decided to volunteer and get the overtime?  Yours truly!  I've also been helping cover the graveyard shift on my days off because no one else is willing to pick up the slack... not even the part time people, or those who are on call.

Our last work meeting involved everyone saying we have fantastic team work, we just have a few things to work on... and I feel, in all honesty, that the supervisors who put the team work meeting on were only looking at their actual unit.  The other units don't really work together.  You have the polynesian crowd who like to congregate together, and that's cool.  But the other day when I was working a double shift I was totally passed over, ignored, while the polynesian posse got together and had a feast of delicious polynesian food.  It wasn't until I asked what they were having that anything was offered to me... and there was MORE THAN ENOUGH for the entire workforce to have been fed.

Thanks for ignoring the white girl.

Also - day shift and swing shift like to try and make it look like it's the graveyard shift that causes the most issues with the bed-check reports.  I'm sorry...say what?  Graveyard shift on the units involves us doing bed-checks every 10-15 minutes, hitting every door that has a youth behind it, and doing it EVERY 10-15 minutes throughout the night.  We also get the laundry for the entire facility done on the graveyard shift.  But whenever there are issues with the reports on bed checks it's never the day shift or swing shift, who happen to RARELY do bed checks...it's always blamed on the graveyard shift.  Our job is bed checks...unless we're sleeping (which YES, some of the staff do...pisses me off...but that's another story for another day) our bed checks are always on time, in order, and never missed.

AUGH!  The team work that our company needs is to actually cause all 3 separate units to come together at the end of their shifts, fill in on how the shift went, and work on building up a relationship between everyone.  We also need to know that us graveyard people will be recognized for all the work we do... I've been with my job for a year and have yet to get any recognition for attendance, work ethic, the fact that I go above and beyond my job to make sure the other shifts have it easier...thanks for the recognition.  Just because they don't recognize me doesn't mean that I slack, though.  I keep doing what I'm doing, and maybe one day the recognition will come through.  This is the first job I've thoroughly enjoyed doing... it's just that some of the people I work with are complete doofuses.

AUGH!

So here's to having 130ish hours on my next paycheck.  Because I'm awesome.  Or something.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Rambling updates

So hubby did not get the job we'd been hoping for.  He passed the interview, was offered the job, passed the criminal background check but the company cancelled the offer based on D's credit report.  :-(  So we're still stuck in a horrible financial situation.  We'll survive, but there's so much of a struggle going on and I'm just so overwhelmed with all the scenarios running through my head.  I'm lucky to have the family I have because they are here to help in any way they can, so I know that we'll be ok.

I didn't initially get the part time job I was hoping for, but they've given me a chance to try the testing process one more time.  I am really not looking forward to working a 2nd job, but I need to do something to make sure that my family does more than tread water.  I desperately want to take my kids to the local theme park at least once this summer... have something fun for them to remember that isn't based solely at home or the immediate surrounding area.  At least once.  ><

I met my Aunt and Uncle on my biological fathers side of the family.  They stayed in my home from Sunday to Wednesday a week ago.  I am so glad to have had the chance to meet them, get to know them, and finally have a positive memory to associate with the last name.  The Aunt and Uncle also contacted a cousin I have living in a neighboring state from me, and he came down for the visit.  He stayed for a day, and it was just awesome to have 3 people I'd never known existed suddenly break down many of my preconceived ideas of the family name...

Also - apparently I'm 1/4 Native American (Abenaki).  I am the whitest freaking Indian I know, but I do think it's cool that I've been learning a lot about my heritage.

School is going well.  Other than the fact that I'm in a team that is full of older ladies that can't seem to grow out of the petty beyotch stage.  But I managed to get them to pull their heads out of their hineys long enough to get the assignment for last week done.  Here's hoping the following weeks go smoother.  I'm getting an A in this class.  I'm getting my GPA up there.  If I keep going on this track I might actually hit a 3.75 GPA for my Masters degree graduation!  :-)

There.  Small tidbit of the things going on in my life.  More updates will follow.

Friday, May 30, 2014

Sad times...

What a week this has been.  Found out my biological Uncle and Aunt will be here on Sunday for a few days (and it will be my first time meeting them - they're from my biodads side).  So I'm stressing over that.  My sister-in-law lost her little sister, and that's just been a sad time that reminds us about mortality.  Stressing over finances (we're still struggling to get caught up after D was unemployed for a while).  Then today I was holding my fur nephew (an adorable little chihuahua/pug mix) when he leaped out of my arms, landing on his leg wrong, and shattering it.  So now there is surgery tomorrow to amputate his poor little leg.

I know it was an accident, and I didn't actually mean to hurt the little fur-dude.  But this has caused me to have my first "ugly cry" since starting my anti-depressants.  Part of that is relieving, knowing that I am capable of actually breaking down and crying.  The other part of me feels stupid for freaking out as badly as I have.  What's worse is that my Mom is worried that this incident, and my reaction to the incident, may push me into my dark place.

Here she is, worried about me...after she lets me know that their car isn't being fixed quick and easy, therefore pushing past the expiration of the tags.  They're broke.  They need to save funds...and then BAM!  Herman (the chug) blasts apart his leg because I wasn't low enough to the ground for him to not get hurt, or I didn't hold him tight enough to keep him from doing a swan dive to the tile, or SOMETHING... and so I feel like it's my fault that my parents are in an even tighter financial situation.

I'm getting so frustrated over the fact that I feel like such a mooch.  I'm frustrated that food stamps didn't come through, and that I'm left hoping to have even $30 after paying necessary bills so that we can get the bare minimum for my home.  It's also summer time, so I'm now in charge of feeding my kids all through the day...and so the cost for food goes up.  But do I have any additional income that helps?  NOOOOOO.  I'm waiting to hear back from the part time job I did the testing for (yes, Mom.  I never got the book from you but was able to manage to do the test.  :-P ) and see if I was able to pass.  If that works out then I'll have an additional $300-$600/mo coming in.  That'll be nice, but I'm certain it'll vanish the moment it hits my account.

I just need to find a way to get my cupboards and pantry and freezer completely stocked.  If I could get them filled to the breaking point, I wouldn't worry any more.  I can afford to replace what is used, but trying to get the stuff that is needed in the first place is being a pain in the freaking TUSH!

I know I'm going to be ok.  I'm praying (and I'm not much for prayer) that D gets the job that gives him a $7/hr raise.  I'm hoping that my performance review that is coming up at work will allow me to get the raise I hope for.  I'm so sick and tired of being stressed, depressed, worried, and feeling like a mooch off peoples happiness.  I'm doing the best I can with what I've got...I won't give up.

Why does life have to be such a bitch!?!?  *grumble*

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

LIFE & death

My sister-in-law just lost her sister.  Such a sad situation, and the mortality of it has hit close to home.  Her sister was only 16.  My stepson is 15, almost 16.  :-(  I can only imagine the pain they're going through right now, and I wish that there was more that I could do to help make this time easier.

It sucks not knowing what to say.

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Update

My hubby did get a job about a month ago, but he's miserable working there.  It's not horrible, but it's a call center agent job and he's just not happy there.  Hopefully he can advance quickly, but we're really holding out hope that he gets the job with a money exchange company that pays $7ish more an hour than he's currently making.  I'm proud of D for getting a job, even if it's not the money we were hoping for.  It's better than nothing, and I'm glad he's not sitting idly while waiting for opportunity to come along.

V has been sick since Wednesday, but he's finally getting through the worse of it.  He has to be on antibiotics because of a bacterial infection, but his glands have gone down...his voice is sounding better...and he's coughing a lot less.  It's also been 2 days since he had a fever.  Glad he's getting better.  It sucks when kids are sick because I can't give them the medicine that helps me feel better, and when they're miserable it just makes me feel hopeless.

G is going to be spending time with his mom today, and that'll be nice.  I'm proud of his mom for working so hard on her sobriety, and for working hard to repair the bridges that were burned during the dark period of her life.  Hope he has a good time with the activities he does today.

H has lost a couple teeth and looks utterly adorable with her smile.  She's cute all the time, but the missing teeth just add to it.  She's coming to my place next weekend and I can't wait to have some girly time.  I'm working on having a stronger girly bond with my stepdaughter.  :-)

I have been at my job for almost 1 year.  Blows my mind that it's been a year since I left my last job.  I love working in juvenile corrections, especially as I'm being trained on more and more things that give me more responsibilities.  It's a wonderful feeling to know that I am being trained for a career advancement, and I'll just try for the next position that comes available.  :-)

There.  Word dump done.  Thanks for reading!

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Perfection

I'm sorry I'm not perfect.
I hope you know I try...
I do my best, I don't give up.
Yet you find the crack, you poke, you pry
Then I feel like a failure.
I cry.

I used to think crying was for the weak,
a sign that I was too soft.
But I've learned that lately I've been too strong,
and I'm tired of this...it's been too long.

I don't try to pretend
I do my best to avoid a lie.
I sometimes say things just to avoid a fight,
because there are times I just want to hide.

I've never claimed I'm perfect.
I won't hide my mistakes.
I admit I'm wrong, I apologize.
But at least I try...
Perfection isn't attainable, but at least I try.
At least I try.

Friday, May 23, 2014

FYI...

Sneezing (and I sneeze hard...no wimpy sneezes from me) when suffering from stomach issues (the SHITS) is not a pretty picture.

Thought I'd share.

You're welcome.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Sickness

I've been sick for the last few days.  It sucked.  Especially since it was during finals week in my class.

I muddled through the week, got my final completed, and hoped for the best.  I didn't miss any work, though I felt like I wanted to curl up and die instead of work.  I think my dedication paid off!!!

I went and saw my sons 2nd grade program yesterday (though I felt like poo) and cheered him on.  After the program was done I came home, crawled into bed, and went to sleep.  I got 12 hours of rest(!), woke up by myself, no sore throat, and I found out I ended my course with an A!!!!!

I also did an intake @ work on my Friday shift (Monday night) and totally rocked it.  I might wanna hide from the world sometimes, but fighting through that feeling and just doing what I have to...it's totally paying off.

I love this feeling!  I am glad my throat doesn't hurt like it was.  Now to get my ears feeling better.  But hey!  I am going to have a GREAT day today!

Sunday, May 11, 2014

*le sigh*

My mind is a dark place lately.  The downside to dealing with depression is that I fight my emotional issues with logical reasoning, and it pisses me off.  Being educated, understanding the triggers, and trying to work through them...all while wanting to curl up in a ball and sleep the days away...it sucks!

I am so grateful that Rainbow Bright was my co-worker on the unit with me last night, because she understands.  She deals with her own form of depression demons.  So it was nice to be able to sit in silence, or have me go in the office so I could be alone and collect myself, or break out the cards and play rummy...it was nice to have someone who understands me, has been a part of my life for so long, and doesn't keep asking me if I'm ok.

I'm not ok, but I'll be all right.  I know I'll be all right.  I know that I'm the best mom, stepmom, wife, friend, and overall person that I can possibly be.  I know that EVERYONE deals with depression, though some have it in stronger force than others.  I know that I am not alone in my struggle.  I know I'm not alone in dealing with it, as my husband is so quick to do his best to console me.  I detest the inner-workings of my mind, and how I am my own worst enemy sometimes.

It's Mothers Day.  I was going to go to make breakfast for my Mom, but I barely made it through my work shift without having an emotional outburst/breakdown.  I know she understands, and I know she knows I love her.  But I, of course, feel like such a failure for not being able to follow through with making her breakfast...which then makes me feel like I can't do anything right...which then bundles into the bull crap that goes on in my head.

BAH!  I have been reminding myself of all the positive things going on in my life, trying to fight the dark with the light.  Today the dark seems to be winning, but I know the light will win the war.  Hubby got the oil changed in the car yesterday (thanks to Rainbow Bright for tossing $40 our way so we could do that), we paid the rest of rent, we've got food in our home, our kids are alive (and loved, and all that)...we've got more than many people have, and even with the things that have seemingly gone wrong (first D's phone bit the dust, now mine has...ugh!) I am reminded just how good my life really is.

Struggles suck.  Depression blows.  No, those are not the beginning lines to a screwed up porno...Oh...wrong type of humor...whoops!

Anyway...I have unloaded.  I hope that I get some decent sleep today (which will probably happen because it's cool, dark, and raining...perfect weather for sleeping under warm covers during the day).

Thanks for putting up with my unload.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Abortion...

I am one of those people who fits into a strange category of pro-life & pro-choice...I have experienced every possible outcome that a pregnancy gives, and I see (and appreciate) what each outcome has done for me.

I had a few pregnancy scares when I was 15, and ended up pregnant at 16 with my oldest son.  I chose to place him for adoption because I was so unprepared...unready to be a mom.  I don't regret my decision, and I'm lucky enough to have a continued relationship with him (and his parents).

I had a miscarriage when I was 18.  Thank GOD I had a miscarriage, because I didn't want to have another kid...and at that time I was strictly pro-life.

I got married and had my son, V, when I was 20.  He is such a blessing, but it solidified the fact that placing my first son for adoption was right...I was still struggling as a parent even though I was married, older, all that.  But I wouldn't trade V for the world.

I had 2 more miscarriages between when I separated from V's dad to when I got pregnant by my ex fiance (and I don't want to bother coming up with a nickname for him).  He was abusive (mostly verbal, but the physical stuff was quite intense), and I had been so desperate for someone to love me that I put my son and I in a horrible situation.  Then, realizing what an idiot I'd been, I wanted to leave...and found out I was pregnant.  Great...now I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.  Do I go through the pregnancy, deal with the relationship (and hope that it gets better)?  Do I go through the pregnancy and deal with visitation/custody arrangements, and have yet another baby daddy?  Do I place this child for adoption because I cannot possibly support 2 children on my own...and if I place this child for adoption, signing away my rights, will my ex try to get custody of the kid?  WHAT DO I DO!??!?!?

After a HORRIBLE fight, I was rescued by my mom...and moved back in with my parents.  Well...that answers the whole "Do I stay in the relationship" question.  Now I'm pregnant, hormonal, emotional, single mom of 1 with another on the way.  Unemployed.  Living in my parents basement.  What a life, right?  My ex was calling me, screaming at me, threatening me...telling me that he'd take the baby and run away if I ever thought about placing it for adoption.

I didn't (don't) trust him...his father physically assaulted him, in front of me, and he had been abused by his father throughout his whole life.  It's what he was raised in...and I, myself, was abused by my own father.  So I was desperate to make sure that this child would never have to go through the throes of abuse.  No child deserves to be abused.  But I also couldn't flee state, since V goes to his dad every other weekend (and I would never want to keep V from his dad).  So there was no hiding away until the adoption went through.  I didn't want to be abused any more, I didn't want V to be scared, I didn't want this baby in my belly to be harmed or ever have to deal with the fear that I've deal with.

So I chose to have an abortion.  I don't regret it.  It happened right on the 12 week mark.  It hurt.  I lied to people, saying I'd suffered a miscarriage (I'm friends with my ex's sister...she is a great lady...I feel guilty that I've never told her the truth).  But I couldn't see this child growing up without her (I feel like it would have been a girl) father probably (not potentially, but probably) abusing her.  I refuse to put my child in that situation, and I battled with my emotional demons.  I WANTED to place this child for adoption, but knew that things could get really ugly really fast.  So I had an abortion.  It took me a year to finally admit to my mom that I'd had an abortion...I know she wasn't happy with me, but I am glad that she seemed to understand the reasoning behind it.  Just as I was so unready to be a mom at 16, I was incapable of having this child...
****

Wow...deep post, eh?  What brought it up?  Why, this video: http://elitedaily.com/women/woman-films-her-abortion-procedure-to-use-as-a-counseling-tool-video/

I understand it's her choice, but I feel that the girl who recorded her abortion did it as a form of birth control.  That is what a lot of pro-life people are fighting against...and I agree with them, in that form.  Use birth control, place for adoption, become a mom and figure it out...but I also feel that there are more situations than rape/incest/birth defects/death of mother or child if pregnancy continues that warrant an abortion.  My example is one.  I feel validated that I did the right thing.  I do wonder, sometimes, what would have happened if I'd had the baby.  What would she look like?  What would have happened in regards to custody?  Would I be married to my husband, since our relationship started around the same time I had the abortion?  What would have happened?!?!?

But those questions are things I sorta dealt with after placing my son for adoption.  I never thought I'd see him again.  I wondered, for a while, what kind of mother I'd have been.  So it's similar, in the end, to how I felt with both outcomes - adoption and abortion.  I no longer had a child to hold, but I did what I felt was best in the given situation.

At least I didn't use an abortion as birth control.  *GROWL*

Monday, May 5, 2014

God is good...

I belonged to the LDS (Mormon) church for a number of years.  I've researched a plethora of religions.  I've come to the conclusion that organized religion is not right for me (believe me - I've tried to find somewhere I could go and feel like it was right).  That being said, I do believe in a God.  I'm not sure what God (or Gods) I believe in, but I find many truths in a great many religions that I have looked into.  I believe that religion answers what science can't, and science answers what religion can't.

I almost made an Atheist sounding response to a post I saw on FB today...a person on my list, who happens to be a nurse, was praising God and saying that it is all Gods work that helped their child get better.  In the SAME status they said "There's no more physical therapy, no more tubes to be fed from, no more doctor appointments needed.  *kid* is BETTER!  THANK GOD!" type of thing.  They were saying everything that there is no more need for, and praising God for all of it.  They didn't thank the doctors, the modern medicine (or the tools with which the medicine was deposited into the child to make them better).  Then everyone who commented were saying "PRAISE GOD!"  "AMEN!"  and all that.

I love the person who posted the status.  I am glad that their child is better.  But I find it rather ignorant to only praise God in the healing of the child, without thanking modern medicine (or at least thanking God for helping create modern medicine).

Am I callous and close minded?  Am I missing the point of thanking God, even though I see science and medicine being a big part of the healing process for this child?

Sorry...I wanted to say this, and I am not saying that they are wrong for being faithful and asking God for help and guidance.  But I feel that it wasn't just God that helped their kid get better.

Shutting up now.

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

REALLY!?!?

I was just called a heartless (insert expletive) due to a comment I placed in a blog.  Sorry...but if it comes between my family having food to eat, a roof over our heads, and taking care of the things that are a basic necessity of life...and rescuing a dog from being put down, and then being homeless and blaming it on the government...I'll let the dog go over the rainbow bridge.

My bad for having the priorities that I've got.  But you go on with your homeless self, struggling to find anyone who can house you and your 2 pitbulls, and let your kids live with other family members while you sort life out.  I'll just be over here...cuddling my kids, knowing where my head will lay at night, and thinking to the future when I'll be able to rescue a few animals from the shelter and give them a stable place to live.  It can't happen now, and so I won't let my life go into ruins just to save the life of a dog.  Or a cat.  Or any animal.

I love animals.  I'd rather they not get put down.  But my kids deserve to be my priority, not an animal that I don't know.

*end rant*

I've not forgotten...

I have thought about this blog quite a bit over the last few weeks, but every time I get to typing up the blog post my brain goes blank.  Whoops...

I've been dealing with a lot of frustration and upset, but it's been sprinkled with lots of blessings and happy times.  I didn't get the promotion I was hoping for, nor did I get any of the part time jobs I applied for (apparently I'm too qualified for them...go figure?).  But my husband did get a job, and has interviewed for an even better paying position.  So here's hoping we can get more income coming in.

I've also been dealing with the weirdest acne.  I've never had perfectly clear skin, but it's sure been close...and then the last month or so I've had zits popping up EVERYWHERE.  In my hair, on my ear lobe, on the corners of my mouth...it's like I've regressed in age (on my face) but not in a "Hey, did you get work done?" but more of a "Holy shit, you've not outgrown that YET?!"

UGH!

No matter what I've been dealing with I've not been allowed to fall down, and it's because of friends and family that my family and I have been floating as well as we have.  Still struggling with the financial aspect of life, but we'll figure it out.

I think the thing I should work on with myself is to complain less and be grateful more.  I don't generally complain without pointing out a silver lining, or saying something positive in light of a negative time.  But I also notice that I've been complaining more.  So I'm going to focus on being more positive.  Maybe being more positive will put more positive joojoo in my life?  One can hope!

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Life is crazy!

A few updates will be included in this post.

* April 8, 2014 - My biological father has been released from prison.  I went to sleep shortly after learning about this, and guess who didn't have a nightmare!  I hope he has finally learned his lesson, and that he doesn't hurt anyone else.  I hope that he does well, and that I never have to see him again.  I am amazed at how HEALED I feel...I don't like him, but I've actually grown past the hate.  The parole hearing, visiting the apartment where the abuse occurred, and everything else...I'm finally over it!  Yeah, my heart skipped a beat when I learned he was released.  But that's it.  I didn't cry, I didn't have a nightmare, and I am not afraid of him. 

It's about freaking time!

* I interviewed today for a part time clerical job, through a temp. agency.  I was honest and let my friend, who referred me there and did the interview process, know that if I get the work from home opportunity that I applied for that I'll be taking that...it pays more, and the commute is awesome (work from couch, anyone?!)  But I also think I'll be an amazing fit doing this clerical work, so we'll see if I get it.

* I am one of two people who will be interviewing to be a graveyard shift lead at my job (my full time juvenile corrections one).  The other person who is interviewing is someone I respect, and so if I lose to them I won't be sad.  I do want the promotion, but at least it's someone I like and adore that would get it if I don't.

* My husband is still unemployed, but he has been actively pursuing all opportunities that he qualifies for.  He even applied to be a security guard.  I hope that we hear back from a job, ANY job, soon.  I love my husband, and am grateful that he's not dicking around and will be employed soon.  But it is stressful, and I know that he will feel better when he's back to work.

* I am getting the part time job so that I can apply that income to my student loans.  I want to get on top of that, and hopefully find a way to either consolidate the loans...1 payment would be AWESOME. 

I can't believe it's 5am and I'm awake right now, but I am...so I guess I'll finish installing programs, since I just had to reformat my computer.  Once I get V off to school then I'll take a nap.  Sounds like a plan.

Exciting life I lead, eh?













Sunday, April 6, 2014

I feel pretty...oh so pretty...

Holy shit - I'm pretty!
I rarely have a picture that I find no issue with myself.  I AM my own worst critic.  I also have not been taking care of myself as well as I should, and I associate that with my depression.  Yesterday was a day that reminded me that while my world seems to be spiraling out of control, I have so many people in my corner to help me stay grounded.

I am blessed.  Blessed with a wonderful family that reminds me that I will NEVER be homeless, friends that come out of the woodwork to assist me in getting the things I desperately need, and a husband who loves me so much...I am in AWE over just how truly blessed I am.

I'm not a religious person, but am quite spiritual.  I believe in karma, no matter how I feel about the slaps I seem to get in life.  I do believe there is good in everything, but sometimes it's hard to see it.  But above all else...I really do believe in me.  I may doubt myself sometimes, but I somehow manage to pull myself up off the ground and kick some ass.  I'm not perfect, but I will never stop trying to make myself better.

Thank-you.  Everyone.  Thank-you for being the reminders that I can do something right, that I am worthy of love and happiness, and that everything will be ok.

I LOVE YOU!

Friday, April 4, 2014

Unloading...

This post will be slightly random, all over the place, but is a general unloading of my mind.  Enjoy(?)!

* I hope that my current issues with Sallie Mae do not prevent me from completing my Masters degree.  I'm already this far in the freaking hole, let me graduate this November!

* Sallie Mae calls me 7 - 10 times a day, and it doesn't seem to matter to them that I've asked for a forbearance...I'm broke, my husband is unemployed, I'm looking into getting a part time job (in addition to my current job) so that I can afford to make some sort of payment...I'm TRYING.  I didn't accrue this debt just to play phone tag for the rest of my life.  I fully intend to pay it back.  But holy EFFING HELL!  I wish someone would gift me the funds to pay this off...or that a place would give me, and my poor credit, a consolidation loan...so I only have to worry about one phone call to make a payment.  But FU*K me and my inability to pay attention to the costs that I was accruing...I'm 100k+ in the hole, and it's just going to keep growing with interest.  :-(

* My husband is STILL unemployed.  A month later, after submitting for NUMEROUS jobs, he's still unemployed.  I know he's trying.  I know that...but we really need to have him get into a job that won't freaking lay him off.  He's had 6 jobs in the last 4 years, and he's been laid off every time (minus one that he quit because they didn't give him a schedule that worked with me getting to work, and him having time with kids).  UGH!

* I applied to be a shift lead at my current job, and plan to stay at my current job for the forseeable future.  I'm good at it, and I don't mind the people I work with.  It's stable, and at least I have something stable in this sea of chaos.  I'm hoping that I'm the one chosen to be shift lead, because that will increase my pay $1-$2/hr.  Not much, but something!  Anything!

* I make too much to get on food stamps, unless I'm willing to go after my sons father through ORS.  I don't want to screw my ex and his family, causing them to be hit with horrid financial crisis...I don't want to fight with them, because my son and his father have a good relationship and I refuse to ruin it with potential chaos.  But it sucks that food stamps won't help my family because of this.  :-(  It's to the point that I'm thinking of trying to find time to volunteer @ a church thing so that I can ask the local Bishop for food help.  I don't like using help from a church that I don't go to, or particularly believe it.  But I need to make sure my family doesn't go hungry, and I'm willing to volunteer my time to show that I am appreciative of the help.  Just...gotta...find...time.

* I've been having these nasty headaches, which are probably stress related.  I've also been dealing with strange chest tightening/flutters.  All probably panic attack induced, but still scary.  The insurance I carry through my work is bullcrap, but it was good enough to keep me on the good insurance my husband had at his last job.  Now we're not covered under a good plan in the whole HealthCare Act, nor can we afford to sign up for something that would qualify under the freaking act, and I am afraid to go to a hospital and gain yet another bill...just...AUGH!

I just need prayers...prayers and monetary gifts...well, I will survive without the monetary gifts (though they would be much appreciated)...but I just need as much help as possible to get through this rough chapter in my life.  My family is amazing, my husband is doing everything he can, and I know we'll be ok in the end.  But the struggle right now is a pain in the freaking ARSE!

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Boop

This made me smile.  While I have been slapping a smile on my face the last couple days, depression is kicking my butt.  I am glad that I've got the medication going, since I feel that this would be exponentially worse if I didn't have some help inside of me...but holy hannah!  Depression is such a bitch!

But this booping dog made me smile.  Genuinely smile.  YAAY!

Monday, March 24, 2014

Insurance woes

D still doesn't have a job.  He has been to a few interviews, and keeps being told that he will start a different project with the company he was with...but nothing yet.  We're into week 2, almost week 3, of unemployment.

D was the primary insurance carrier, since his was cheaper and better than mine.  So now we're left knowing that at the end of this month the insurance will stop...and so I'm hoping my insurance covers me well enough to make my happy pills not horrifically expensive, and that me and my family don't need major medical coverage until D gets a new job with insurance.

Today I'm going to the dentist, checking on the progress of my teeth (been whitening them), and I'll be asking if there is absolutely any way that the dentist can do the crown on my tooth that had a root canal and fix the fake part of my front tooth...all before insurance stops.  I know that I'll have insurance again, and can go back then.  But I don't want the tooth that needs the crown to be broken apart and causing me pain, and I have needed the fake part of my front tooth fixed for some time...now that my teeth are whiter, you can see the difference so much more.

I'm stressed, but trying to hold it together...D is doing his best, and so I just need to remember to have faith in him and his abilities.  He's smart, great in the training/management departments, and funny as heck.  I know he'll get something.  Just - AAAACK!

Friday, March 21, 2014

OUCHIE!

Last night, while I was at work, I noticed that there was a bump on the back of my head.  I messed with it, figuring it was a zit (damn acne ANYWAY!).  Nothing happened when I messed with it, but shortly after it began to ooze.  I sorta forgot about it until I woke up today and noticed the back of my head hurts.  So I ask my hubby to check it out & he does, takes a picture to show me what he sees, and I've got this strange booboo on my head...it looks like I got hit on the head, and a few pieces of scalp got scraped away.  Not sure what the heck is going on, but I sure don't like feeling like something crazy is going on with my scalp.

I hope that I can get into a dermatologist visit before the end of this month, since D still doesn't have a job...so current insurance will stop at the end of the month.  If not, I'll just have to keep an eye on it and hope D gets a job with quick insurance.  *sigh*

Here's hoping it's nothing too serious.  It's totally weird, I don't recall anyone ever dealing with something like this before, and it makes me feel kinda gross...ya know?  Weird thingy on my head that oozes and looks like a wound.  RAH!

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Appetite

There are days that I can barely bring myself to eat the amount of calories I need to have.  Then there are days, like today, where I ate way too much (the cookies...they were DELICIOUS...DANGIT!)...and yet I'm hungry right now.  Like...I'm shaky, my stomach is grumbling, and I feel like I've not eaten in a long time.

I need to really work on being okay with having a little bit of hunger pains, as I'm working toward lowering my calories and losing a bit of weight.  But man...being hungry SUCKS!

Why must I feel ravenous!?!

Monday, March 17, 2014

*WOOOOO*

My hubby got a random call, and we're glad he answered.  It was an immediate phone interview, and he passed that level.  So on Friday he will be going to another interview for a job that he'd be great at, and he let them know he'd not accept anything less than $13.50/hr.  I'm thinking he'll earn more, which will be GREAT!  :)

I'm so proud of him, and the fact that he'll have a job soon.  One way or another.  :)  He still has 2 weeks left before I really stress, since his severance check paid enough for him to take some time off working.  I think he'll kick butt on this interview and will land the job, and that we'll be sitting pretty!

:) :) :) :)

Oh...and the picture I added?  It's of the shirts & messenger bag that we got during an amazing sale on offworlddesigns.com.  I now have a bag, where D and G have backpacks, that can carry my laptop.  I have 2 shirts, along with D having 2 new shirts, that totally showcase our geeky awesomeness.

Today has been a good day.  I love good days!

(V has also been adorable, cuddly, and sweet.  Hyper at times, but totally awesome!)

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Karma...

I love that people call it a karmic circle...yet I feel like the circle seems to bypass me.  *sigh*

I don't do things for others with the expectation that they will, in turn, do something for me.  I don't know why I do it...but I don't like to see people fall flat on their face if I can help prevent it.  But jeeze...

Part of me wonders if the reason I've not seen any major (good) karmic repayment is because of all the crappy things I did when I was younger.  Maybe I'm repaying the debt to karma that I accrued when I really didn't care, and now that I care...perhaps that is why things seem to happen.

I'm working on it.  I'm working on not having something about who I am cause me regret later in my life.  I am proud of who I have become, and hope that others can see that I really am not the same person I once was.

But Karma...why can't you just kick some butt for me, therefore helping me to feel like I've done something right?  ><

RAH!

Friday, March 14, 2014

Dude...excrement occurs, and boy does it NOT smell like roses.

Not sure what brought this on, but I just barely get home from going out to eat with my hubby...and BAM!  Thank GOD we have 2 bathrooms (one was in use).  :-(

I was hoping to get another hour or two of sleep...or have some alone time with the hubby, as both boys are elsewhere for the weekend...or something.

Alas, my body had other plans.  Y U NO LYKE ME, BODY!?!?!?  *bleh*

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Random updates about V-man

This happened tonight, as I was getting V ready for bed:

V is such a tender-hearted little soul!  The problem with that, though, is he also knows how to break out the crocodile tears.  So when he didn't hold his breath for the 30 seconds (he was dunking his head in the bath, asked me to count to 30), only getting to 25, I thought his sob face was a joke.  I realized, only  as the sobs grew, that he wasn't joking.

Poor kiddo thought that the first time he tried to hold his breath for 30 seconds that it'd be easy.  I know adults who can't hold their breath 20 seconds, and he got to 25.  But man...that kid feels like a total failure.  I'm glad I was able to calm him down, tell him we'll practice more, and that he is totally awesome.  But holy crow...it was a very sad few minutes before bed.

***

The other day, as V was getting ready for school, I had "A Baby Story" on (TLC Channel).  V asked me "Mom, how are babies made?"  I responded that they're made in mommy bellies.  He asked "No...what makes the babies?"  So I figure, trying to be as simple and age appropriate as possible, I'd explain it in vague terms.  I said that females, or girls, have itty bitty little eggs in their bellies.  These eggs don't do anything until a male, or boy, plants a seed in them.  When the seed attaches to the egg, a baby begins to grow.  Small at first, they grow bigger and bigger, making the mommies bellies huge.  Then ploop - baby gets born and we've got a baby!

V then says "How does the seed get in the belly?"  I pause, not wanting to say too much...and wonder where the heck this almost 8 year old boy is coming up with these questions.  I know it's getting closer and closer to being age appropriate to have the talk, but by the time I get to talking with V about the birds and the bees he's going to know everything ANYWAY.

Not sure how I feel about that.

***

V absolutely adores being able to play outside.  He's a rough and tumble kinda kid.  Problem with that, though, is I see all the booboo's and just worry about him.  He's got scrapes on his chest, back, knees...and I ask him "How did this happen?"  His response?  "I'm just playing.  I'm okay.  If I'm not okay I will let you know."

WHA!  That's a relatively mature response, and so I'm left sitting here...wanting to cocoon V in safety wrapping, yet grateful for his independent streak (and the fact that he's not the kid who cries over a skinned knee).  GEEZE!  How'd he grow up so fast!?

Crying used to suck...

My husband can attest to this - I used to get teary eyed - full out crying at least 1 to 3 times a week.  Used to.  I've not had a moment of crying since I started taking my antidepressants.  I've watched things that elicit a strong emotional feeling inside of me, but no crying.  I've screwed up, hurt people's feelings, dealt with co-workers being dumbasses (raising my stress levels), missed out on doing things I've wanted to...things that would have provoked tears before.

I don't know.  I hated crying over "nothing" before, but now I wish I could cry.  I used to be able to fake it, eventually causing tears to fall.  But nothing.  It's freaking WEIRD!

But I don't feel lost, like I did when I first started taking the medication.  I feel like I'm back to my normal self, full of imperfections and goals...but the lack of crying has me focused on why the heck am I not such a sappy person any more!?

Who else complains about not crying?  I should feel great that I'm not such a sap, since I always got frustrated over the fact that I could cry almost on demand.  *sigh*  I don't know how I feel about it, really.  One part of me is glad I'm not a freaking boober any more.  The other part of me worries that I have lost a part of my personality, a part that made me more sensitive, because I can't seem to cry.

Just things to ponder.  RAH!

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Bed Bugs - take 2

So I went back to my parents house today, having helped tear apart their bedroom yesterday.  Worked on the kids room, and made great progress with the whole "purging" aspect of cleaning.  My mom says "I've been meaning to get rid of stuff and clean up, but it's so much easier to get rid of stuff when I think 'ACK!  Bugs!'"

We emptied, wiped, and sprayed everything down in the kids room.  We did not, however, see ANY signs of bed bugs in the kids room.  There have not been signs of bed bugs in the kitchen/living room either.  That makes everyone (me & my parents) believe that it's all contained in their bedroom.

Yaay and ICK!

Even though we did major cleaning and purging in their room yesterday, sprayed alcohol around (supposed to suffocate those little gross bastards), they still saw bugs today.  So they bought actual bug killer spray (which - OMIGAWD!  Smells to high heaven and caused sneezing/coughing/gagging) and we went to TOWN spraying stuff down.

Here's hoping that after doing what we've done the last 2 days, and them staying on top of cleaning and vacuuming...those pesky little blood suckers LEAVE!  or DIE!  Either way, they need to be gone.

At least I know that it's safe to go to my parents house...just avoid their room like the plague.  *duly noted*

Glad I was able to go over there and help (I even cleaned their bathroom for them!), because they are one of my sons favorite places to be.

I got to take one of the bottles of the bug killing spray home with me, and will be spraying the perimeter of every room/my home with this spray.  I don't think we've got bed bugs, as the room Vincent sleeps in at the grandparents didn't have them.  But I'd rather nip the problem in the bud before it becomes an ACTUAL problem.  Better safe and bitten!

Bed Bugs...

http://health.utah.gov/epi/diseases/bedbugs/

Check out the link.  Fascinating (and itch inducing) information.

My parents have been infiltrated by bed bugs, and so a lot of cleaning and tossing has been going on.  I was there last night, and will be going there tonight, to help try and kill these bastards.

BUT EEEEWWWW!  I had to actually squish one last night while I was cleaning, and just...bleh!  I know my parents have been dealing with it for a while, and it wasn't until a couple days ago that they actually realized that the issues they've been having are bed bug related.

I'm watching my place closely.  Will probably go through deep cleaning every room, and doing "KILL THE BUGS" now...beat them to the punch.  It sucks that bed bugs are in my parents home because it's the last place I ever expected a nasty infestation to occur.

I'm kinda all over the place...but I need to get ready to go and help clean and spray the place down.  Hopefully we can get this resolved quickly!

V will be completely bummed if we don't get this under control, since he LOVES spending time at his grandparents house.  But I can't risk the bugs hitching a ride to my place, and while it's been a while before they realized what was going on - now that I know, gotta look out for him.  *sigh*

ICKY BUGS = BLEH BLAH ICK!

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Personal reflection...

Yesterday I was quick to judge in a situation, and I realize that I was repeating an issue I'd seen in myself before.  I don't want to live in guilt over things I say, and so I've decided that I need to work on my patience.  I need to focus on reviewing the situation, looking through the eyes of the other person(s) involved, and I need to not only diffuse the situation (if possible) - or just keep my mouth shut.

We all know that saying "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all."  I forgot it.  I let myself get angry without thinking how it would affect those involved.  While I may feel valid with my reaction and the way I handled things, if I was in the other persons shoes then I could see my reaction as an attack...like I'm fake, and that nothing I say is truth.

I have changed a LOT in the last 10 years.  Who I was when I was married to my ex husband is not who I am with my current (and forever) husband.  Who I was before I became a mom is not who I am now.  Age, parenting, and the relationship I'm in have caused me to be a far better person than I was before.

But I'm not perfect.  Just like I judged a friends husband based on the things I'd heard and seen, and then he died...I still feel guilty.  Like I didn't try to understand the reasoning behind his actions.  I don't want this to happen again.  I'm better than that.

I won't ever be on Ghandi's level, but I am going to do my best to remain calmer and focus on looking at all aspects of a situation.

And to the person(s) I was talking about in my last post - I'm sorry.

***

This site, which talks about 13 things to remember when life gets rough, actually helped me realize that I might feel like I am being as good as I can be...but there's a lot that I can fix.  Why dontcha go check it out?  http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/13-things-remember-when-life-gets-rough.html

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Parole date is set...

In 1 months time my biological father will be released from prison.  I'm nervous, sure.  Now he knows what I look like, knows my name (since it was said & documented in the parole hearing), and so...yeah...I'm nervous.  Not scared, though.

The VINE network (victim notification system) called me 11 freaking times, and I finally answered (since I was awake, not at work, and all that) and hopefully the calls stop.  I appreciate them wanting to make sure I got the message, but holy snap.  Leave a voicemail!

*sigh*  I am bigger than he is, stronger than he is, and I doubt he'll do anything stupid (at least in regards to me and my family) to go back to prison.  But he's also been locked up for the greater part of 20 years...and that's a long time to build up anger and frustration.  :(

I wish he had apologized to me during the parole hearing...but he didn't.  I wish I knew he really felt sorry for what he put me through...but I don't know if he does.  In my mind I feel that if he was truly sorry then he would have stayed out of prison the first time he was released (he'd been paroled 3 or 4 times and always ended up back in prison)...

I hope I remain the only victim of his...I hope that he gets out and is able to be a success outside of the prison system...While I would rather he remain locked up forever, since I will live with my scars forever, he's being released.  So I just hope he doesn't ever come back into my life...

I'm nervous.  But I'm no longer little, and I'm no longer afraid.

Friday, March 7, 2014

I HATE SPIDERS!!!!!

For the love of all things freaking holy...I have a clean house, had just wiped off the walls and everything.  I saw NO sign of spiders.  Then my son gets home from school and is about to head up the stairs when I hear a shrill scream.  I RUSH to him, and he's pointing at the wall...staring...this freaking spider was at least the size of a quarter.  Big, black/brown, looked fuzzy (but I was NOT going to lean in and look closer...what if it JUMPS!)...

I grab a paper towel and was trying to be all "SUPER MOM" about it, but when I leaned in to grab it I shuddered...So then I took of my shoe, smooshed it on the wall, used the paper towel to clean the guts off the wall, and took my shoe to the sink to clean off dead spider icky bleh!

FREAKING SPIDERS!  EEEEEWWWWW!!!

I'm grateful for...

On Facebook I've been participating in a Gratitude Journal thing, and it actually makes me think of things I'm grateful for.  I have, thus far, not repeated anything.  I appreciate the fact that this has caused me to think about all the things I do have, and not dwell on the things I wish I had.  This blog post is a few of the things I'm thankful for (some of which I've not posted about on facebook):

* A home that is clean.  It took a lot of work for me to get it to the point that it is, and so it's now just maintenance.  I am focused on not doing everything, so that my kids do their chores...but I could go through and clean every room (aside from the kids) and be done in 30 minutes.  That makes me happy!

* I notice the difference in my smile since I quit smoking.  Between the whitening trays (I've got 4 more to go!), flossing more, and no more cigarettes - I'm at least a solid 2 shades whiter than when I stopped smoking and started whitening.  I also, out of curiosity (and a strong craving for a cigarette), asked to take a drag off my husbands cigarette this morning.  Guess who was totally disgusted by the taste and returned it after one drag?  Some might say that was a failure in quitting, but I didn't smoke the cigarette!  And this E-cig that I've got (currently enjoying a Vanilla-Bourbon flavor) has completely ruined me on cigarettes.  LOVE IT!

* I am thankful that V is grasping math so much easier than I ever did.  He's also doing wonderfully in reading/comprehension.  His school has been such an amazing asset in helping him overcome the obstacles that could potentially be in his way, and the resources he has there are such amazing workers!

* I also love that V is such a loving kid.  Yes, he drives me insane sometimes.  But just this morning he, in the middle of eating his cereal, stopped all he was doing and popped onto the couch...landed a mooch and a hug, told me he loves me, and that he will do good in school so that I can be proud of him.  AWWWW...V...you don't have to pressure yourself to be perfect.  You're perfect just as you are.  <3

* G did an amazing job at his band concert last night.  I'm proud of him for sticking with the trumpet, especially since I thought it was going to just be a phase.  Yeah, I wish he'd actually bring the dang thing home to practice - but he is doing quite well in the class.  So I can't really complain.

* I am grateful for G and all he does to help me on the days I'm exhausted from work (I work graves in juvenile corrections).  He will make dinner for him and V, he will help V with homework, and just keeping V alive is a feat!  I'm glad that he steps up and helps me out, especially when his dad is working late.

* I am grateful for my husband being such a loving and caring husband and father.  He is facing unemployment, since his current project closes at the end of business today.  He's done so many interviews, and it looks promising for one of the projects he interviewed for.  But he doesn't have a confirmed start date yet.  So we're freaking out a bit, but he's not going down without a fight.  He is focused on taking care of our family, and I know he will successfully land another job in the next couple weeks if the current company doesn't place him somewhere soon.

* I am grateful that the water softner in our new apartment is so much quieter than the other unit.  You can barely tell it's being filled.  The dishwasher is also quite a bit quieter, too.

* I am grateful for "new" clothes that a good friend of mine gave me, which have helped boost my wardrobe into a cuter (and slightly more professional) area.  :-)

* I am grateful for my best friend, Rainbow Bright, for the spectacular help she provided in the move.  She works with me, she comes over and hangs out, helps me move, brings her kids and my kids love them, and just...I am so grateful for her friendship.  She is freaking fantastic!

I will work on typing more grateful for things, but I have homework to get working on.  :-)  Thanks for reading!

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

I'm weird...

I'm fat.  There's no pussy footing around that.  I'm just above 5'10" and I weigh around 250 pounds.  Everyone tells me I look great, and that I carry the weight very well.  Doesn't take away the fact that I'm overweight.

I don't eat much, though.  I always seem to be full before anyone else at the table, I'm guilty of going 24 hours without eating (I'm far from anorexic...I just forget to eat sometimes), and when I do eat I am within a 2000 calorie diet.  I was told that that amount is the calories I need to maintain functioning, and having removed the vast majority of my calorie adders (candy, junk...) I've done pretty well.  Yeah, I get a treat here and there, but I don't go as crazy as I used to.

So why have I been plateaued for the last 3 years at 250lbs?  Yeah, it's not the 325ish pounds that I used to weigh, but it's still 250 freaking pounds.

I know I should work out, and it's not like I'm lazy...my house work is done (yaay for clean houses!), my job requires me to walk around the unit and do bed checks every 10-15 minutes (I tracked it, once...I average about 2 miles or so a night with the amount of walking I do), and I drink 90% of my fluids as water...WHY YOU NO LEAVE ME, STOOPID FAT!

*sigh*

I don't have the money to get a gym membership, and even if I did - where's the time?  I could let housework slide and go to the gym, but then the house is gross.  I could sleep a little less, but that would affect my depression (though working out = endorphins...endorphins make you happy.  Happy people don't kill their husbands!)...I dunno.

Just feeling stuck.  I'm happy with my husband, my kids, my home, my school, my work...I have financial stress, but who doesn't?  I just...I don't wanna be fat any more, but I'm too "lazy" to do anything about it.  BOO!

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Random updates

I have lost count of the days that I've been taking my "happy pills", but I only have 2 left.  I know I missed 1 or 2 days, so it's been roughly a month since I started.  I guess I could (technically) go back and look in my blog, seeing the date I started.  But I'm not going to.  HA!

I have noticed that over the last couple weeks I've not had any days where I felt like I was lost.  That is cool, considering the horrific amount of stress I've been under for the last little bit.  Between worrying about my husband finding another position with the company he is currently with (his project closes this coming Friday!  UGH!), moving on super duper short notice, having to deal with car issues (and then somehow managing to get the car registered), and all that...I am surprised I've not had a melt down, or a day of OMIGAW I CAN'T FUNCTION.  So I do think the pills have helped me, at least in that regard.

I have yet to cry, though.  I have moments where I can feel the emotion building in my chest, my eyes get wet, but I can't seem to cry.  Not that crying is great...I detest crying, most times.  But it's weird that I'm not getting teary over touching movies, or crying due to stress, or whatever...I guess I got so used to sniffling almost every day that this whole NOT sniffling stuff is weird to me.  So I don't know how I feel about that.  I will continue to take my pills because I am enjoying the fact that I'm not shutting down like I did before.  I like that I am more patient, and happier, than I was before.  I just feel slightly different.  It's weird, but I think it's a good weird.
***

I am almost 100% done with smoking.  I have, in recent years, been a rather sporadic smoker.  I'll quit for a little bit, go back.  Go through my weekend with 1 or 2 smokes, and then smoke 1/2 to 1 pack a day when I work.  So I estimate that, on average, I did 5 - 10 cigarettes a day.  Not horrific amount, but still...I could smoke a pack a day, or more, when I had my bad depression days.  Now that I've got an E-Cigarette (it was my valentines gift from the hubster), I first went down to 5 cigarettes a day, and now I'm down to 1 or 2...and there are days I have 0.  So I'm thinking that within the next week or two I'll be 100% cigarette free.

The E-cig is actually a big help.  It doesn't not feel the same, but it gives me something else to focus on when the cravings are bad.  I've tried the gum, using suckers, twizzlers, crocheting, just going cold-turkey, all that...and my quitting has not been successful.  Some might see my e-cig as taking one addiction and using another, but at least I know that this is vapor vs. smoke/toxins...and if I can get myself away from smoking, it'll only take a little bit of weaning (still vaping, but using the non-nicotine juices) to get down to just flavored water.

I'm proud of myself.  :-)
***

My days off are Tuesday/Wednesday.  The house is all unpacked, but is a bit of a mess (had G's friend over for the weekend.  Yaay sleepovers...).  So Tuesday I'll be cleaning, and then BAM!  I'll finally feel like the place is complete.  I'm glad to be done with the unpacking, moving, all that.

My hubby and I did go through the dresser and closet in our room, and got rid of 2 large garbage bags FULL of clothes.  We still have plenty of clothing, but I think it's awesome that we purged the stuff we don't wear/won't wear/doesn't make us happy.  It's nice to have more room to fit the things we do like.  :-)
***

On that note, I'm going to wrap things up.  I've got homework to work on, and I'm a wee bit tired.  I've gotta work in a few hours, and so I shall close here.

Thanks for reading!

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Being a Mom...

Some days are easier than others, and that holds especially true when it comes to parenting.  There are times I wouldn't mind shipping my kids off to the circus, or selling them to gypsies.  Today is one of those days.

G (15 y.o.) seems to forget that I'm here, even though I'm right in front of him.  He then goes to tell V (7 y.o.) that he needs to listen, blah blah blah...then I have to tell G to stop trying to be the boss.  He's a brother, not an employee.  *sigh*

Then V is a turd biscuit, totally hyper and not listening the first time, whining up a storm left and right, and making up stories (that are lies, not just fables) and using those as excuses for his whining...just...WTF!?  Yesterday was a FANTASTIC day with the kids, and today can go to hell in a hand basket.

I love my children.  I'd die for my children.  But sometimes I wish they'd just leave me alone for a bit!  *groan*

Monday, February 24, 2014

Unpacking...*groan*

This is above the window in my room, and my bed is situated under the window (less direct sunlight = lets me sleep easier through the day).  It's the boutineer and head wreath that my hubby and I wore on our wedding day.  The stickers say "Always kiss me goodnight!"  :)  Cute, no?
 So I have set up both bathrooms, and am about 80% through the kitchen and 50% through my room.  I hope to get those 2 rooms completed today...and then tomorrow I shall plow through the chaos that is the living room, and then the kids room.  By this time tomorrow I (should) have the house completely unpacked and clean!

*fingers crossed*

My husband has an interview today to be a team lead on a different project in the call center he works for, as his current project is closing down at the beginning of next month.  He and I both know a lot of people who work on the project he is hoping to get on, and they all think highly of him and his skills.  So here's hoping his interview goes wonderfully, and that we get him in for a 2nd interview ASAP.  I really hope he gets this one!  *FINGERS DOUBLE CROSSED*

We got our car registered today (Thank the good lord!), which was a feat.  You saw my last post about the car being a dumbass yesterday, but we figured out a way to jimmy rig the opening mechanism inside the car well enough to pass safety.  Now that we've got the car registered, we can now work on getting the handle actually fixed in the next year.  But PHEW!  We have the stress of the registration completed and out of the way (yeah, we waited last minute.  We've been a little busy this month!)

Also...something I've noticed...I have to remind myself to type certain words in english.  This humors me.  I know kam (a little) Hindi, Punjabi, Tamil, Kannada, Arabic, Tagalog, and Spanish...and so when I type busy I want to say vyast, when I type month I want to say mahine, when I type Thank the lord I want to say In sha'allah...you get the idea.  But I know a great majority of people would have absolutely NO clue what the heck I mean.  So I type in English.  But I have to remind myself to type in english.  HA!

(My mind is a bit scattered, can you tell!??!?)

Sunday, February 23, 2014

*sigh*

We're all moved in, though the unpacking is proving to be quite the daunting task.  I can't believe my apartment management only gave us a 24 hour freaking window to move out in, but I'm glad that I had the help I needed to get stuff done.  Rainbow bright is one heck of a trooper, as is G (stepson).  We started at 9:30am and we're done by 2am.  Even with movers getting the big furniture moved (the apartment management did that for us, THANK GOD) we still had so much CRAP to get moved.

I've set up both bathrooms, and so the place is beginning to get put together.  Once I finalize this post I shall move into my bedroom and get it as set up as possible before I've gotta get ready for work.  My hubby and G are downstairs moving boxes around, trying to find the kitchen.  I'm hoping that by the time I am off work Tuesday (my weekend begins!) I will be able to just do finishing touches and get shiz done.

***Minor rant regarding move - I was told, after enough bitching, that I had until Friday to be moved out.  That was a blessing, since we got the big crap moved out...but I'd not had the chance to clean out the apartment, and confirm all stuff had been moved.  So Thursday, having moved until the wee hours of that effing morning, I am at the old place cleaning up garbage/cleaning out fridge/being a nice tenant and not leaving a horrific mess.  What happens!?  Maintenance shows up and begins taking down cupboards in the kitchen.  They tell me not to worry about the mess, which contradicts what the landlord said about wanting me to clean up as much as I can.  So I'm tired, bitchy, and have people working on the old place a day before they were supposed to(as per what I was told).

BAH!

End rant***

Oh, and now that we're moved into our new place it seems that the world wasn't quite done making my head hurt.

This is a comment regarding the drama that happened earlier today...stupid car.  *GROWL*
The inside door handle on the drivers door broke off a little while back. We've been getting by because we can just roll down the window to open with the outside handle. The car won't pass safety though because, hello, we can't open the car door from the inside. 

My husband and I figured out that if we pop in a screw driver at just the right angle, the door OPENS from the inside. We then figured out how to get the screw driver to stay inside the hole that was the door handle, and therefore we have a "permanent" fix to the door handle situation.

My hubby, getting out of the car at the pizza place, must have pushed the screw driver in just a little bit too far...because when he came back to the car, pizza in hand (and my 7 year old standing by to get into the back seat), he goes and unlocks the door...and nothing. The car is unlocked, but the door won't open. WTF?!

Our car only has one place to put the key in, allowing it to be unlocked. Great, in theory...shitty when wanting to get in the dang car and having no other way to unlock the stupid thing.

He tried locking and unlocking multiple times, and my dad even went out to try his hand with a wire hanger...no luck. Car won't open. Door is laughing at us, as it is unlocked but refuses to budge.

Lock smith comes out, pops the lock on the passenger door, and we're home free. I go to open the drivers door, and the screw driver falls out...and my husband is able to open the door on the outside. *GRUMBLE*

Sunday, February 16, 2014

(insert expletives)

On the 13th my husband and I were told that we can move into another apartment, since ours really needs all new plumbing.  Ok.  We can deal with that.

We were told that we could start moving into new apartment on the 18th.  Needing to be out by the 19th.  Fine.  We can deal with that.

Water leak is back, and has started soaking carpet all the way into the living room...I call the landlord to see when it would be possible to get the keys to the new place, so that we can avoid water damage to our stuff.  We are informed that the cupboards have not been installed in the new place, and there is painting needing to be done, and blah blah blah...the landlord tried to tell me I can't move until Thursday.

WHAT!?!?!?  I am off Tuesday and Wednesday, and I work graves...and so me trying to do the moving on a day that I then have to stay awake all night is NOT my idea of okay.  So I bitch to the landlord that I NEED to move on Wednesday at the latest.  So they said they can get cupboards installed, and painting done, and cleaning done on Tuesday.  We just won't have our carpets cleaned until after we move in (which is FINE...I'll be just fine with the cleaners just cleaning around the stuff we put in there, as long as the vacuuming is done).

Now I've gotta figure a way to not have any of our furniture damaged by water, as it seeps more and more into the living room (they'll be here tomorrow to fix the leak, again...)...and then I have to figure out how to pack and clean (they want us to leave the place as clean as we can...in a short move, short time, and yea...I'm freaking THRILLED)...

I'm so done.  I love the community I live in, and I realize that pipes get old and stuff.  But a quick move, an almost constant water leak, and all that...I'm so over this!

And I'm freaking tired.

@$%RTYER^!!!!

Friday, February 14, 2014

"Organized" Chaos

So we've got yet another leak occurring in our apartment, and so the next few days are going to be a necessary evil.  I'm just not looking forward to it.  *sigh*

Ok, that's somewhat of a lie.  I love the idea of starting fresh & new in a new place, but the prospect of moving = FREAKING PACKING.

We live in a 2 bedroom apartment and our apartment management is going to have us move into another 2 bedroom apartment, one that has just had all the plumbing replaced with much better pipes.  We'll be one of the END units, which could potentially mean less noise for me to deal with when I'm sleeping.  I like this idea!

Downside, though, is that between my husband/kids/me - WE GOT LOTS OF SHIZZ!

So starting tomorrow, as I'm just too freaking wiped out today, I shall start packing up rooms.  Bathrooms can be packed up, aside from basic toiletries, because we will have to be moved out of our current apartment Tuesday.  Yeah, as in...I just learned that we need to move to another apartment (therefore allowing management the ability to gut and renovate our current place) YESTERDAY, the 13th, and we'll be moved into a new place by the 18th.

GOD GIVE ME STRENGTH!  I'll get off work Tuesday morning, 7am, and will immediately get home and start hauling things over.  It's only 3 doors (separate building, but 3 doors away from ours...50ish feet or so) away, so at least we don't need to rent a truck to move.  But that's a lot of back & forth stuff.

D has to work, can't get time off, so it will be up to me & friends to get this done.  Hopefully it only takes a few hours.  So far I've got 6 people SET to help, and potentially more.  If we work together, and fluidly, I think we could realistically be moved in 6 hours.  *fingers crossed*

Wish me luck.  Oh, and rest.   Because I'm sure gonna need it.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

TAX RETURN!!!!

I work tonight, and didn't go to bed until after 3am today, but who cares!  My tax return came!  Paid off the balance owed to school, allowing me the opportunity to shoot straight through (I'll graduate in October if I keep at this pace!).  I will also be getting my own laptop today!

Then, in the next day or two, my husband and I are going to go CRAZY and stock our cupboards/pantry/freezer.  Set aside some money for our Easter family time.  Buy a plane ticket for D to see his dad (his dad is 80ish, so we wanna make sure D gets time with his dad before anything is to happen).  Yadda yadda yah...TAX RETURN!  *WOOHOO*

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

I just noticed something...

I've not cried at all the last (almost) 2 weeks.  Like...my eyes will get wet, but I don't cry.  I realized this was happening, or not...as the case seems to be..., because I watched this adorably touching video about a baby born with a defect that caused the baby to die at 10 days old.  I felt my heart strings being tugged, but I didn't cry.

If anyone knows me they know that I'm tenderhearted, and I sniffle watching commercials sometimes (and no, I'm not pregnant).  I don't know if it's the prozac, or if it's my life being a bit stressful and me just internalizing it all.  But it's kinda weirding me out.

HMMM...

Monday, February 10, 2014

I'm baaaaaack...

It's been a few days.  Didja miss me!?  :-P

My meds have balanced out and I feel like myself.  So now it's time to determine if I'm less depressed or not...I don't want a situation to happen that causes me to dive into depression, but I don't know if it's working.  Kinda sucks, not knowing if it's helping or not.  But the first week taking the meds was insane!  I could feel the meds, and I was rather moody.  I hate feeling like I'm in a grumpy mood and I can't quite kick the grumpy out.  But at least I'm back to feeling like myself again.  YAAY!

I am rather surprised that I don't have more to unload here...So much has happened in this last week, but I just don't know where to start.  So I won't.

Wait...is this the meds?!  Is my mind sorting through things easier, and therefore I feel less of a need to unload!?!?  Uh...I'll get back to you on that one.

Until next time...

Monday, February 3, 2014

Guilt sucks!

So today is the day that the funeral for Thing 1's husband.  I have been having this weird battle with emotions (partly due to Prozac, partly due to my conscience).  I know that he emotionally hurt Thing 1, and I know her reasoning behind the divorce she was going to go through with.  But her husband died.  Her son is left without a father.  I feel guilty for judging this guy, only knowing one side of his story.  Yes, he hid his alcoholism from a lot of people.  But what caused him to think drinking was the way?  What made him hide it?  Was it shame, or something else?  He's dead, and so we'll never really know what was going on.

And I feel bad.  My heart is breaking for Thing 1 in so many ways...and I wish I knew what I could do to help her.

I have wanted to cry, because there's a lot of other stressors that have been piling on me...but I can't seem to get myself to cry.  Is it the Prozac making me numb to crying?  I'm not sure.  Is it just me being me, and trying to be strong even though I think I don't want to be?  I don't know.  I just know that I'm a big ball of emotional blah, and I don't see this blah being relieved any time soon.

I talked to my boss today and told him that I am taking tonight off of work.  I called my friend, Rainbow Bright, to see if she'll cover my shift for me tonight.  Left voicemail, and sent a text.  Here's hoping she can go in, and I don't leave work in a complete lurch.  But I need a mental health day off work...I've got so much going on today that I cannot possibly be expected to function at work tonight.  I LOVE the fact that Rainbow Bright works with me, and so I hope that this works out.

I will be going to the viewing, and potentially the funeral, for Thing 1's husband.  I don't do well with dead people and dead people things, but I want to be there for my friend.  I have a dentist appointment today.  I need to somehow manage to get to these things, get my husband to work, and then somehow function as MOM when the kids come home from school.

GOD GIVE ME STRENGTH!  Oh...and please help me through this horribly guilty feeling that I am dealing with.  I hate this feeling!