Some days are easier than others, and that holds especially true when it comes to parenting. There are times I wouldn't mind shipping my kids off to the circus, or selling them to gypsies. Today is one of those days.
G (15 y.o.) seems to forget that I'm here, even though I'm right in front of him. He then goes to tell V (7 y.o.) that he needs to listen, blah blah blah...then I have to tell G to stop trying to be the boss. He's a brother, not an employee. *sigh*
Then V is a turd biscuit, totally hyper and not listening the first time, whining up a storm left and right, and making up stories (that are lies, not just fables) and using those as excuses for his whining...just...WTF!? Yesterday was a FANTASTIC day with the kids, and today can go to hell in a hand basket.
I love my children. I'd die for my children. But sometimes I wish they'd just leave me alone for a bit! *groan*
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Monday, February 24, 2014
Unpacking...*groan*
So I have set up both bathrooms, and am about 80% through the kitchen and 50% through my room. I hope to get those 2 rooms completed today...and then tomorrow I shall plow through the chaos that is the living room, and then the kids room. By this time tomorrow I (should) have the house completely unpacked and clean!
*fingers crossed*
My husband has an interview today to be a team lead on a different project in the call center he works for, as his current project is closing down at the beginning of next month. He and I both know a lot of people who work on the project he is hoping to get on, and they all think highly of him and his skills. So here's hoping his interview goes wonderfully, and that we get him in for a 2nd interview ASAP. I really hope he gets this one! *FINGERS DOUBLE CROSSED*
We got our car registered today (Thank the good lord!), which was a feat. You saw my last post about the car being a dumbass yesterday, but we figured out a way to jimmy rig the opening mechanism inside the car well enough to pass safety. Now that we've got the car registered, we can now work on getting the handle actually fixed in the next year. But PHEW! We have the stress of the registration completed and out of the way (yeah, we waited last minute. We've been a little busy this month!)
Also...something I've noticed...I have to remind myself to type certain words in english. This humors me. I know kam (a little) Hindi, Punjabi, Tamil, Kannada, Arabic, Tagalog, and Spanish...and so when I type busy I want to say vyast, when I type month I want to say mahine, when I type Thank the lord I want to say In sha'allah...you get the idea. But I know a great majority of people would have absolutely NO clue what the heck I mean. So I type in English. But I have to remind myself to type in english. HA!
(My mind is a bit scattered, can you tell!??!?)
*fingers crossed*
My husband has an interview today to be a team lead on a different project in the call center he works for, as his current project is closing down at the beginning of next month. He and I both know a lot of people who work on the project he is hoping to get on, and they all think highly of him and his skills. So here's hoping his interview goes wonderfully, and that we get him in for a 2nd interview ASAP. I really hope he gets this one! *FINGERS DOUBLE CROSSED*
We got our car registered today (Thank the good lord!), which was a feat. You saw my last post about the car being a dumbass yesterday, but we figured out a way to jimmy rig the opening mechanism inside the car well enough to pass safety. Now that we've got the car registered, we can now work on getting the handle actually fixed in the next year. But PHEW! We have the stress of the registration completed and out of the way (yeah, we waited last minute. We've been a little busy this month!)
Also...something I've noticed...I have to remind myself to type certain words in english. This humors me. I know kam (a little) Hindi, Punjabi, Tamil, Kannada, Arabic, Tagalog, and Spanish...and so when I type busy I want to say vyast, when I type month I want to say mahine, when I type Thank the lord I want to say In sha'allah...you get the idea. But I know a great majority of people would have absolutely NO clue what the heck I mean. So I type in English. But I have to remind myself to type in english. HA!
(My mind is a bit scattered, can you tell!??!?)
Sunday, February 23, 2014
*sigh*
We're all moved in, though the unpacking is proving to be quite the daunting task. I can't believe my apartment management only gave us a 24 hour freaking window to move out in, but I'm glad that I had the help I needed to get stuff done. Rainbow bright is one heck of a trooper, as is G (stepson). We started at 9:30am and we're done by 2am. Even with movers getting the big furniture moved (the apartment management did that for us, THANK GOD) we still had so much CRAP to get moved.
I've set up both bathrooms, and so the place is beginning to get put together. Once I finalize this post I shall move into my bedroom and get it as set up as possible before I've gotta get ready for work. My hubby and G are downstairs moving boxes around, trying to find the kitchen. I'm hoping that by the time I am off work Tuesday (my weekend begins!) I will be able to just do finishing touches and get shiz done.
***Minor rant regarding move - I was told, after enough bitching, that I had until Friday to be moved out. That was a blessing, since we got the big crap moved out...but I'd not had the chance to clean out the apartment, and confirm all stuff had been moved. So Thursday, having moved until the wee hours of that effing morning, I am at the old place cleaning up garbage/cleaning out fridge/being a nice tenant and not leaving a horrific mess. What happens!? Maintenance shows up and begins taking down cupboards in the kitchen. They tell me not to worry about the mess, which contradicts what the landlord said about wanting me to clean up as much as I can. So I'm tired, bitchy, and have people working on the old place a day before they were supposed to(as per what I was told).
BAH!
End rant***
Oh, and now that we're moved into our new place it seems that the world wasn't quite done making my head hurt.
This is a comment regarding the drama that happened earlier today...stupid car. *GROWL*
The inside door handle on the drivers door broke off a little while back. We've been getting by because we can just roll down the window to open with the outside handle. The car won't pass safety though because, hello, we can't open the car door from the inside.
My husband and I figured out that if we pop in a screw driver at just the right angle, the door OPENS from the inside. We then figured out how to get the screw driver to stay inside the hole that was the door handle, and therefore we have a "permanent" fix to the door handle situation.
My hubby, getting out of the car at the pizza place, must have pushed the screw driver in just a little bit too far...because when he came back to the car, pizza in hand (and my 7 year old standing by to get into the back seat), he goes and unlocks the door...and nothing. The car is unlocked, but the door won't open. WTF?!
Our car only has one place to put the key in, allowing it to be unlocked. Great, in theory...shitty when wanting to get in the dang car and having no other way to unlock the stupid thing.
He tried locking and unlocking multiple times, and my dad even went out to try his hand with a wire hanger...no luck. Car won't open. Door is laughing at us, as it is unlocked but refuses to budge.
Lock smith comes out, pops the lock on the passenger door, and we're home free. I go to open the drivers door, and the screw driver falls out...and my husband is able to open the door on the outside. *GRUMBLE*
I've set up both bathrooms, and so the place is beginning to get put together. Once I finalize this post I shall move into my bedroom and get it as set up as possible before I've gotta get ready for work. My hubby and G are downstairs moving boxes around, trying to find the kitchen. I'm hoping that by the time I am off work Tuesday (my weekend begins!) I will be able to just do finishing touches and get shiz done.
***Minor rant regarding move - I was told, after enough bitching, that I had until Friday to be moved out. That was a blessing, since we got the big crap moved out...but I'd not had the chance to clean out the apartment, and confirm all stuff had been moved. So Thursday, having moved until the wee hours of that effing morning, I am at the old place cleaning up garbage/cleaning out fridge/being a nice tenant and not leaving a horrific mess. What happens!? Maintenance shows up and begins taking down cupboards in the kitchen. They tell me not to worry about the mess, which contradicts what the landlord said about wanting me to clean up as much as I can. So I'm tired, bitchy, and have people working on the old place a day before they were supposed to(as per what I was told).
BAH!
End rant***
Oh, and now that we're moved into our new place it seems that the world wasn't quite done making my head hurt.
This is a comment regarding the drama that happened earlier today...stupid car. *GROWL*
The inside door handle on the drivers door broke off a little while back. We've been getting by because we can just roll down the window to open with the outside handle. The car won't pass safety though because, hello, we can't open the car door from the inside.
My husband and I figured out that if we pop in a screw driver at just the right angle, the door OPENS from the inside. We then figured out how to get the screw driver to stay inside the hole that was the door handle, and therefore we have a "permanent" fix to the door handle situation.
My hubby, getting out of the car at the pizza place, must have pushed the screw driver in just a little bit too far...because when he came back to the car, pizza in hand (and my 7 year old standing by to get into the back seat), he goes and unlocks the door...and nothing. The car is unlocked, but the door won't open. WTF?!
Our car only has one place to put the key in, allowing it to be unlocked. Great, in theory...shitty when wanting to get in the dang car and having no other way to unlock the stupid thing.
He tried locking and unlocking multiple times, and my dad even went out to try his hand with a wire hanger...no luck. Car won't open. Door is laughing at us, as it is unlocked but refuses to budge.
Lock smith comes out, pops the lock on the passenger door, and we're home free. I go to open the drivers door, and the screw driver falls out...and my husband is able to open the door on the outside. *GRUMBLE*
Sunday, February 16, 2014
(insert expletives)
On the 13th my husband and I were told that we can move into another apartment, since ours really needs all new plumbing. Ok. We can deal with that.
We were told that we could start moving into new apartment on the 18th. Needing to be out by the 19th. Fine. We can deal with that.
Water leak is back, and has started soaking carpet all the way into the living room...I call the landlord to see when it would be possible to get the keys to the new place, so that we can avoid water damage to our stuff. We are informed that the cupboards have not been installed in the new place, and there is painting needing to be done, and blah blah blah...the landlord tried to tell me I can't move until Thursday.
WHAT!?!?!? I am off Tuesday and Wednesday, and I work graves...and so me trying to do the moving on a day that I then have to stay awake all night is NOT my idea of okay. So I bitch to the landlord that I NEED to move on Wednesday at the latest. So they said they can get cupboards installed, and painting done, and cleaning done on Tuesday. We just won't have our carpets cleaned until after we move in (which is FINE...I'll be just fine with the cleaners just cleaning around the stuff we put in there, as long as the vacuuming is done).
Now I've gotta figure a way to not have any of our furniture damaged by water, as it seeps more and more into the living room (they'll be here tomorrow to fix the leak, again...)...and then I have to figure out how to pack and clean (they want us to leave the place as clean as we can...in a short move, short time, and yea...I'm freaking THRILLED)...
I'm so done. I love the community I live in, and I realize that pipes get old and stuff. But a quick move, an almost constant water leak, and all that...I'm so over this!
And I'm freaking tired.
@$%RTYER^!!!!
We were told that we could start moving into new apartment on the 18th. Needing to be out by the 19th. Fine. We can deal with that.
Water leak is back, and has started soaking carpet all the way into the living room...I call the landlord to see when it would be possible to get the keys to the new place, so that we can avoid water damage to our stuff. We are informed that the cupboards have not been installed in the new place, and there is painting needing to be done, and blah blah blah...the landlord tried to tell me I can't move until Thursday.
WHAT!?!?!? I am off Tuesday and Wednesday, and I work graves...and so me trying to do the moving on a day that I then have to stay awake all night is NOT my idea of okay. So I bitch to the landlord that I NEED to move on Wednesday at the latest. So they said they can get cupboards installed, and painting done, and cleaning done on Tuesday. We just won't have our carpets cleaned until after we move in (which is FINE...I'll be just fine with the cleaners just cleaning around the stuff we put in there, as long as the vacuuming is done).
Now I've gotta figure a way to not have any of our furniture damaged by water, as it seeps more and more into the living room (they'll be here tomorrow to fix the leak, again...)...and then I have to figure out how to pack and clean (they want us to leave the place as clean as we can...in a short move, short time, and yea...I'm freaking THRILLED)...
I'm so done. I love the community I live in, and I realize that pipes get old and stuff. But a quick move, an almost constant water leak, and all that...I'm so over this!
And I'm freaking tired.
@$%RTYER^!!!!
Friday, February 14, 2014
"Organized" Chaos
So we've got yet another leak occurring in our apartment, and so the next few days are going to be a necessary evil. I'm just not looking forward to it. *sigh*
Ok, that's somewhat of a lie. I love the idea of starting fresh & new in a new place, but the prospect of moving = FREAKING PACKING.
We live in a 2 bedroom apartment and our apartment management is going to have us move into another 2 bedroom apartment, one that has just had all the plumbing replaced with much better pipes. We'll be one of the END units, which could potentially mean less noise for me to deal with when I'm sleeping. I like this idea!
Downside, though, is that between my husband/kids/me - WE GOT LOTS OF SHIZZ!
So starting tomorrow, as I'm just too freaking wiped out today, I shall start packing up rooms. Bathrooms can be packed up, aside from basic toiletries, because we will have to be moved out of our current apartment Tuesday. Yeah, as in...I just learned that we need to move to another apartment (therefore allowing management the ability to gut and renovate our current place) YESTERDAY, the 13th, and we'll be moved into a new place by the 18th.
GOD GIVE ME STRENGTH! I'll get off work Tuesday morning, 7am, and will immediately get home and start hauling things over. It's only 3 doors (separate building, but 3 doors away from ours...50ish feet or so) away, so at least we don't need to rent a truck to move. But that's a lot of back & forth stuff.
D has to work, can't get time off, so it will be up to me & friends to get this done. Hopefully it only takes a few hours. So far I've got 6 people SET to help, and potentially more. If we work together, and fluidly, I think we could realistically be moved in 6 hours. *fingers crossed*
Wish me luck. Oh, and rest. Because I'm sure gonna need it.
Ok, that's somewhat of a lie. I love the idea of starting fresh & new in a new place, but the prospect of moving = FREAKING PACKING.
We live in a 2 bedroom apartment and our apartment management is going to have us move into another 2 bedroom apartment, one that has just had all the plumbing replaced with much better pipes. We'll be one of the END units, which could potentially mean less noise for me to deal with when I'm sleeping. I like this idea!
Downside, though, is that between my husband/kids/me - WE GOT LOTS OF SHIZZ!
So starting tomorrow, as I'm just too freaking wiped out today, I shall start packing up rooms. Bathrooms can be packed up, aside from basic toiletries, because we will have to be moved out of our current apartment Tuesday. Yeah, as in...I just learned that we need to move to another apartment (therefore allowing management the ability to gut and renovate our current place) YESTERDAY, the 13th, and we'll be moved into a new place by the 18th.
GOD GIVE ME STRENGTH! I'll get off work Tuesday morning, 7am, and will immediately get home and start hauling things over. It's only 3 doors (separate building, but 3 doors away from ours...50ish feet or so) away, so at least we don't need to rent a truck to move. But that's a lot of back & forth stuff.
D has to work, can't get time off, so it will be up to me & friends to get this done. Hopefully it only takes a few hours. So far I've got 6 people SET to help, and potentially more. If we work together, and fluidly, I think we could realistically be moved in 6 hours. *fingers crossed*
Wish me luck. Oh, and rest. Because I'm sure gonna need it.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
TAX RETURN!!!!
I work tonight, and didn't go to bed until after 3am today, but who cares! My tax return came! Paid off the balance owed to school, allowing me the opportunity to shoot straight through (I'll graduate in October if I keep at this pace!). I will also be getting my own laptop today!
Then, in the next day or two, my husband and I are going to go CRAZY and stock our cupboards/pantry/freezer. Set aside some money for our Easter family time. Buy a plane ticket for D to see his dad (his dad is 80ish, so we wanna make sure D gets time with his dad before anything is to happen). Yadda yadda yah...TAX RETURN! *WOOHOO*
Then, in the next day or two, my husband and I are going to go CRAZY and stock our cupboards/pantry/freezer. Set aside some money for our Easter family time. Buy a plane ticket for D to see his dad (his dad is 80ish, so we wanna make sure D gets time with his dad before anything is to happen). Yadda yadda yah...TAX RETURN! *WOOHOO*
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
I just noticed something...
I've not cried at all the last (almost) 2 weeks. Like...my eyes will get wet, but I don't cry. I realized this was happening, or not...as the case seems to be..., because I watched this adorably touching video about a baby born with a defect that caused the baby to die at 10 days old. I felt my heart strings being tugged, but I didn't cry.
If anyone knows me they know that I'm tenderhearted, and I sniffle watching commercials sometimes (and no, I'm not pregnant). I don't know if it's the prozac, or if it's my life being a bit stressful and me just internalizing it all. But it's kinda weirding me out.
HMMM...
If anyone knows me they know that I'm tenderhearted, and I sniffle watching commercials sometimes (and no, I'm not pregnant). I don't know if it's the prozac, or if it's my life being a bit stressful and me just internalizing it all. But it's kinda weirding me out.
HMMM...
Monday, February 10, 2014
I'm baaaaaack...
It's been a few days. Didja miss me!? :-P
My meds have balanced out and I feel like myself. So now it's time to determine if I'm less depressed or not...I don't want a situation to happen that causes me to dive into depression, but I don't know if it's working. Kinda sucks, not knowing if it's helping or not. But the first week taking the meds was insane! I could feel the meds, and I was rather moody. I hate feeling like I'm in a grumpy mood and I can't quite kick the grumpy out. But at least I'm back to feeling like myself again. YAAY!
I am rather surprised that I don't have more to unload here...So much has happened in this last week, but I just don't know where to start. So I won't.
Wait...is this the meds?! Is my mind sorting through things easier, and therefore I feel less of a need to unload!?!? Uh...I'll get back to you on that one.
Until next time...
My meds have balanced out and I feel like myself. So now it's time to determine if I'm less depressed or not...I don't want a situation to happen that causes me to dive into depression, but I don't know if it's working. Kinda sucks, not knowing if it's helping or not. But the first week taking the meds was insane! I could feel the meds, and I was rather moody. I hate feeling like I'm in a grumpy mood and I can't quite kick the grumpy out. But at least I'm back to feeling like myself again. YAAY!
I am rather surprised that I don't have more to unload here...So much has happened in this last week, but I just don't know where to start. So I won't.
Wait...is this the meds?! Is my mind sorting through things easier, and therefore I feel less of a need to unload!?!? Uh...I'll get back to you on that one.
Until next time...
Monday, February 3, 2014
Guilt sucks!
So today is the day that the funeral for Thing 1's husband. I have been having this weird battle with emotions (partly due to Prozac, partly due to my conscience). I know that he emotionally hurt Thing 1, and I know her reasoning behind the divorce she was going to go through with. But her husband died. Her son is left without a father. I feel guilty for judging this guy, only knowing one side of his story. Yes, he hid his alcoholism from a lot of people. But what caused him to think drinking was the way? What made him hide it? Was it shame, or something else? He's dead, and so we'll never really know what was going on.
And I feel bad. My heart is breaking for Thing 1 in so many ways...and I wish I knew what I could do to help her.
I have wanted to cry, because there's a lot of other stressors that have been piling on me...but I can't seem to get myself to cry. Is it the Prozac making me numb to crying? I'm not sure. Is it just me being me, and trying to be strong even though I think I don't want to be? I don't know. I just know that I'm a big ball of emotional blah, and I don't see this blah being relieved any time soon.
I talked to my boss today and told him that I am taking tonight off of work. I called my friend, Rainbow Bright, to see if she'll cover my shift for me tonight. Left voicemail, and sent a text. Here's hoping she can go in, and I don't leave work in a complete lurch. But I need a mental health day off work...I've got so much going on today that I cannot possibly be expected to function at work tonight. I LOVE the fact that Rainbow Bright works with me, and so I hope that this works out.
I will be going to the viewing, and potentially the funeral, for Thing 1's husband. I don't do well with dead people and dead people things, but I want to be there for my friend. I have a dentist appointment today. I need to somehow manage to get to these things, get my husband to work, and then somehow function as MOM when the kids come home from school.
GOD GIVE ME STRENGTH! Oh...and please help me through this horribly guilty feeling that I am dealing with. I hate this feeling!
And I feel bad. My heart is breaking for Thing 1 in so many ways...and I wish I knew what I could do to help her.
I have wanted to cry, because there's a lot of other stressors that have been piling on me...but I can't seem to get myself to cry. Is it the Prozac making me numb to crying? I'm not sure. Is it just me being me, and trying to be strong even though I think I don't want to be? I don't know. I just know that I'm a big ball of emotional blah, and I don't see this blah being relieved any time soon.
I talked to my boss today and told him that I am taking tonight off of work. I called my friend, Rainbow Bright, to see if she'll cover my shift for me tonight. Left voicemail, and sent a text. Here's hoping she can go in, and I don't leave work in a complete lurch. But I need a mental health day off work...I've got so much going on today that I cannot possibly be expected to function at work tonight. I LOVE the fact that Rainbow Bright works with me, and so I hope that this works out.
I will be going to the viewing, and potentially the funeral, for Thing 1's husband. I don't do well with dead people and dead people things, but I want to be there for my friend. I have a dentist appointment today. I need to somehow manage to get to these things, get my husband to work, and then somehow function as MOM when the kids come home from school.
GOD GIVE ME STRENGTH! Oh...and please help me through this horribly guilty feeling that I am dealing with. I hate this feeling!
Sunday, February 2, 2014
A plethora of shrubbery...*clickity click click*
Day 4 of taking Prozac - I work graveyard shift. I find myself yawning more, and feeling more exhausted and ready for bed. That's 2 days now that I've been able to fall asleep next to my snoring husband. Maybe I am just more tired? I dunno...I've, up until 2 days ago, struggled to fall asleep if my husband is already snoring. But yesterday and today, as soon as I got home and faceplanted my pillow I was out. I don't know what to make of that...
Another thing that has been happening that I've never (remembered) had before...my legs were bouncing all over the place last night @ work. You know how people sit, tapping their heel, which means their leg is bouncing around...well I was doing that for at least 6 out of 8 hours. When I'd get frustrated at one leg and finally get it to stop the OTHER leg would go bouncing. I finally had to take my shoes off so that I wasn't making as much annoying noise. Not sure if that is the pills, or if I just happened to be in a leg bouncing mood last night...but when I've bounced my legs before it's only been for 10-15 minutes, and then my leg feels kinda funny. So I stop. I've never constantly bounced for more than a short period, but last night it wouldn't stop. It was freaking annoying! Oh - and when I would walk, doing bed checks and stuff, my legs felt like they should be bouncing...but I can't really bounce them while I'm standing on them. So it was a little weird.
Phillip Seymore Hoffman died. Yes, he was a fantastic part of Hollywood, made quite a number of enjoyable movies, and was awkwardly handsome. But he died of a drug overdose. I don't know the dude, and he didn't die an honorable death, and so why are people all over the place glorifying him? He was a drug addict, who died because he couldn't keep reaching out for help. He was 23 years clean, so he knew how to avoid it...and yet he died from a freaking Heroin overdose. I'm sorry...but drug addicts/abusers die on the streets every day, and there are many that are left without anyone to mourn them. The only reason (I feel) that Mr. Hoffman is being mourned is because people are sad that they won't see any more films made/starring/edited by him. Yes, it sucks he's dead. But I try not to mourn those who did the crap to themselves. There's enough sadness and death in the world with those who die of natural causes, murder, cancer, blah blah blah...Yes, I hope he rests in peace...as I hope anyone who passes finds the peace that they deserve.
Another thing that has been happening that I've never (remembered) had before...my legs were bouncing all over the place last night @ work. You know how people sit, tapping their heel, which means their leg is bouncing around...well I was doing that for at least 6 out of 8 hours. When I'd get frustrated at one leg and finally get it to stop the OTHER leg would go bouncing. I finally had to take my shoes off so that I wasn't making as much annoying noise. Not sure if that is the pills, or if I just happened to be in a leg bouncing mood last night...but when I've bounced my legs before it's only been for 10-15 minutes, and then my leg feels kinda funny. So I stop. I've never constantly bounced for more than a short period, but last night it wouldn't stop. It was freaking annoying! Oh - and when I would walk, doing bed checks and stuff, my legs felt like they should be bouncing...but I can't really bounce them while I'm standing on them. So it was a little weird.
Phillip Seymore Hoffman died. Yes, he was a fantastic part of Hollywood, made quite a number of enjoyable movies, and was awkwardly handsome. But he died of a drug overdose. I don't know the dude, and he didn't die an honorable death, and so why are people all over the place glorifying him? He was a drug addict, who died because he couldn't keep reaching out for help. He was 23 years clean, so he knew how to avoid it...and yet he died from a freaking Heroin overdose. I'm sorry...but drug addicts/abusers die on the streets every day, and there are many that are left without anyone to mourn them. The only reason (I feel) that Mr. Hoffman is being mourned is because people are sad that they won't see any more films made/starring/edited by him. Yes, it sucks he's dead. But I try not to mourn those who did the crap to themselves. There's enough sadness and death in the world with those who die of natural causes, murder, cancer, blah blah blah...Yes, I hope he rests in peace...as I hope anyone who passes finds the peace that they deserve.
Saturday, February 1, 2014
I'm so confused!
Day 3 on Prozac - I slept in. Well, what I meant to say is, I didn't wake up at 3pm to take my pill at the previously decided time. So I took it at 4:30(ish) pm. Some would say that it's fine, I at least took my dose...but the OCD part of my mind, the one that wants to make sure that I get into the pill taking habit, is screaming at me because I was late. Then this other part of my mind is saying "Great, (insert my name)! Just great! You're allowing your life to be controlled by your ability to take a pill. What if this pill is the cause of X, Y, Z issues you're currently having? It's only been 3 days, but these last 3 days have been rough and you're feeling strange and foggy and everything. IT'S THE PILL!"
Then I have to fight back that conspiracy theorist part of my mind. I argue that the pill will help to balance out my seratonin levels, and help make my sad days less dark...my blah days less deep...and should help me toward having more genuinely good days ahead. Funny thing, though...Most people don't realize I have depression. I've been so good at covering it up. Been focused on always putting a smile on my face because it used to be the only thing that got me through some days. I work hard to not let my depression affect my ability to be a good mother, wife, and friend. So I just think that being on an antidepressant will help me not have to fight my inner battle with what I portray vs. how I really feel. We'll see.
The last few days have really done a number on me, and part of me wants to call into work tonight just to have a mental health day. But I am working towards being advanced to shift lead, or at the very least being able to go and ask for a raise in the next couple months. Love my job, but the pay kinda sucks. But between having one doctor "kick" me while I was down, a good friend of mine losing her husband (more on my feelings on that in a sec), not sleeping well the last few days (anxiety goes up, sleep goes down), and all that...just been a rough few days.
I have not been able to cry about Thing 1's husband passing away (and the emotions that this situation has brought about). I always seem to be in the wrong place to have a crying fest, or when I'm finally in a good place to let it out I can't seem to cry. I feel bad because I told Thing 1, in a joking manner, that if he passed away she wouldn't have to deal with the stress of a drawn out divorce. No worries about custody, or anything. I was mainly saying it to get a laugh out of her (it was a high stress time for her). Now that he has passed away, I feel like an ASS. I realize I only knew how Thing 1 interpreted the situation in which she was dealing with her husband...and yes, it is obvious he was an alcoholic. He was quite horribly rude to Thing 1. But why was he drinking? What was his underlying issue? Did I judge someone that really just needed someone to slap him on the back of the head and help set him back on a good path?
I don't know. So I have this melting pot of emotions because I am doing everything I can to be there for Thing 1, feeling guilty because of things I said jokingly, wondering if I had taken the chance to get to know him if I might have been able to help him, did he die strictly because of alcohol related stuff or was something else to blame, all that...
But I'm not crying. I want to cry. I do. But I can't seem to freaking cry. I realize that I didn't cry last night while watching movies that got my co-worker sniffling, and I felt like I should be crying - but I wasn't. It's only been 3 days though, so is it the pills? Or am I just so dang screwed up right now with the stress of the last few days that I'm incapable of crying right now?
Just inner mumblings of my mind. This may not make sense to anyone, but it's a sort of journaling of my life and experiences.
I'm just in a fog right now. Hopefully it passes soon.
Plus side - no headache (did I mention a headache before? Can't remember). So at least I know that the prozac isn't the cause of my headaches.
Time for me to do homework. This should be fun! *sigh*
Then I have to fight back that conspiracy theorist part of my mind. I argue that the pill will help to balance out my seratonin levels, and help make my sad days less dark...my blah days less deep...and should help me toward having more genuinely good days ahead. Funny thing, though...Most people don't realize I have depression. I've been so good at covering it up. Been focused on always putting a smile on my face because it used to be the only thing that got me through some days. I work hard to not let my depression affect my ability to be a good mother, wife, and friend. So I just think that being on an antidepressant will help me not have to fight my inner battle with what I portray vs. how I really feel. We'll see.
The last few days have really done a number on me, and part of me wants to call into work tonight just to have a mental health day. But I am working towards being advanced to shift lead, or at the very least being able to go and ask for a raise in the next couple months. Love my job, but the pay kinda sucks. But between having one doctor "kick" me while I was down, a good friend of mine losing her husband (more on my feelings on that in a sec), not sleeping well the last few days (anxiety goes up, sleep goes down), and all that...just been a rough few days.
I have not been able to cry about Thing 1's husband passing away (and the emotions that this situation has brought about). I always seem to be in the wrong place to have a crying fest, or when I'm finally in a good place to let it out I can't seem to cry. I feel bad because I told Thing 1, in a joking manner, that if he passed away she wouldn't have to deal with the stress of a drawn out divorce. No worries about custody, or anything. I was mainly saying it to get a laugh out of her (it was a high stress time for her). Now that he has passed away, I feel like an ASS. I realize I only knew how Thing 1 interpreted the situation in which she was dealing with her husband...and yes, it is obvious he was an alcoholic. He was quite horribly rude to Thing 1. But why was he drinking? What was his underlying issue? Did I judge someone that really just needed someone to slap him on the back of the head and help set him back on a good path?
I don't know. So I have this melting pot of emotions because I am doing everything I can to be there for Thing 1, feeling guilty because of things I said jokingly, wondering if I had taken the chance to get to know him if I might have been able to help him, did he die strictly because of alcohol related stuff or was something else to blame, all that...
But I'm not crying. I want to cry. I do. But I can't seem to freaking cry. I realize that I didn't cry last night while watching movies that got my co-worker sniffling, and I felt like I should be crying - but I wasn't. It's only been 3 days though, so is it the pills? Or am I just so dang screwed up right now with the stress of the last few days that I'm incapable of crying right now?
Just inner mumblings of my mind. This may not make sense to anyone, but it's a sort of journaling of my life and experiences.
I'm just in a fog right now. Hopefully it passes soon.
Plus side - no headache (did I mention a headache before? Can't remember). So at least I know that the prozac isn't the cause of my headaches.
Time for me to do homework. This should be fun! *sigh*
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