Friday, May 30, 2014

Sad times...

What a week this has been.  Found out my biological Uncle and Aunt will be here on Sunday for a few days (and it will be my first time meeting them - they're from my biodads side).  So I'm stressing over that.  My sister-in-law lost her little sister, and that's just been a sad time that reminds us about mortality.  Stressing over finances (we're still struggling to get caught up after D was unemployed for a while).  Then today I was holding my fur nephew (an adorable little chihuahua/pug mix) when he leaped out of my arms, landing on his leg wrong, and shattering it.  So now there is surgery tomorrow to amputate his poor little leg.

I know it was an accident, and I didn't actually mean to hurt the little fur-dude.  But this has caused me to have my first "ugly cry" since starting my anti-depressants.  Part of that is relieving, knowing that I am capable of actually breaking down and crying.  The other part of me feels stupid for freaking out as badly as I have.  What's worse is that my Mom is worried that this incident, and my reaction to the incident, may push me into my dark place.

Here she is, worried about me...after she lets me know that their car isn't being fixed quick and easy, therefore pushing past the expiration of the tags.  They're broke.  They need to save funds...and then BAM!  Herman (the chug) blasts apart his leg because I wasn't low enough to the ground for him to not get hurt, or I didn't hold him tight enough to keep him from doing a swan dive to the tile, or SOMETHING... and so I feel like it's my fault that my parents are in an even tighter financial situation.

I'm getting so frustrated over the fact that I feel like such a mooch.  I'm frustrated that food stamps didn't come through, and that I'm left hoping to have even $30 after paying necessary bills so that we can get the bare minimum for my home.  It's also summer time, so I'm now in charge of feeding my kids all through the day...and so the cost for food goes up.  But do I have any additional income that helps?  NOOOOOO.  I'm waiting to hear back from the part time job I did the testing for (yes, Mom.  I never got the book from you but was able to manage to do the test.  :-P ) and see if I was able to pass.  If that works out then I'll have an additional $300-$600/mo coming in.  That'll be nice, but I'm certain it'll vanish the moment it hits my account.

I just need to find a way to get my cupboards and pantry and freezer completely stocked.  If I could get them filled to the breaking point, I wouldn't worry any more.  I can afford to replace what is used, but trying to get the stuff that is needed in the first place is being a pain in the freaking TUSH!

I know I'm going to be ok.  I'm praying (and I'm not much for prayer) that D gets the job that gives him a $7/hr raise.  I'm hoping that my performance review that is coming up at work will allow me to get the raise I hope for.  I'm so sick and tired of being stressed, depressed, worried, and feeling like a mooch off peoples happiness.  I'm doing the best I can with what I've got...I won't give up.

Why does life have to be such a bitch!?!?  *grumble*

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

LIFE & death

My sister-in-law just lost her sister.  Such a sad situation, and the mortality of it has hit close to home.  Her sister was only 16.  My stepson is 15, almost 16.  :-(  I can only imagine the pain they're going through right now, and I wish that there was more that I could do to help make this time easier.

It sucks not knowing what to say.

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Update

My hubby did get a job about a month ago, but he's miserable working there.  It's not horrible, but it's a call center agent job and he's just not happy there.  Hopefully he can advance quickly, but we're really holding out hope that he gets the job with a money exchange company that pays $7ish more an hour than he's currently making.  I'm proud of D for getting a job, even if it's not the money we were hoping for.  It's better than nothing, and I'm glad he's not sitting idly while waiting for opportunity to come along.

V has been sick since Wednesday, but he's finally getting through the worse of it.  He has to be on antibiotics because of a bacterial infection, but his glands have gone down...his voice is sounding better...and he's coughing a lot less.  It's also been 2 days since he had a fever.  Glad he's getting better.  It sucks when kids are sick because I can't give them the medicine that helps me feel better, and when they're miserable it just makes me feel hopeless.

G is going to be spending time with his mom today, and that'll be nice.  I'm proud of his mom for working so hard on her sobriety, and for working hard to repair the bridges that were burned during the dark period of her life.  Hope he has a good time with the activities he does today.

H has lost a couple teeth and looks utterly adorable with her smile.  She's cute all the time, but the missing teeth just add to it.  She's coming to my place next weekend and I can't wait to have some girly time.  I'm working on having a stronger girly bond with my stepdaughter.  :-)

I have been at my job for almost 1 year.  Blows my mind that it's been a year since I left my last job.  I love working in juvenile corrections, especially as I'm being trained on more and more things that give me more responsibilities.  It's a wonderful feeling to know that I am being trained for a career advancement, and I'll just try for the next position that comes available.  :-)

There.  Word dump done.  Thanks for reading!

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Perfection

I'm sorry I'm not perfect.
I hope you know I try...
I do my best, I don't give up.
Yet you find the crack, you poke, you pry
Then I feel like a failure.
I cry.

I used to think crying was for the weak,
a sign that I was too soft.
But I've learned that lately I've been too strong,
and I'm tired of this...it's been too long.

I don't try to pretend
I do my best to avoid a lie.
I sometimes say things just to avoid a fight,
because there are times I just want to hide.

I've never claimed I'm perfect.
I won't hide my mistakes.
I admit I'm wrong, I apologize.
But at least I try...
Perfection isn't attainable, but at least I try.
At least I try.

Friday, May 23, 2014

FYI...

Sneezing (and I sneeze hard...no wimpy sneezes from me) when suffering from stomach issues (the SHITS) is not a pretty picture.

Thought I'd share.

You're welcome.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Sickness

I've been sick for the last few days.  It sucked.  Especially since it was during finals week in my class.

I muddled through the week, got my final completed, and hoped for the best.  I didn't miss any work, though I felt like I wanted to curl up and die instead of work.  I think my dedication paid off!!!

I went and saw my sons 2nd grade program yesterday (though I felt like poo) and cheered him on.  After the program was done I came home, crawled into bed, and went to sleep.  I got 12 hours of rest(!), woke up by myself, no sore throat, and I found out I ended my course with an A!!!!!

I also did an intake @ work on my Friday shift (Monday night) and totally rocked it.  I might wanna hide from the world sometimes, but fighting through that feeling and just doing what I have to...it's totally paying off.

I love this feeling!  I am glad my throat doesn't hurt like it was.  Now to get my ears feeling better.  But hey!  I am going to have a GREAT day today!

Sunday, May 11, 2014

*le sigh*

My mind is a dark place lately.  The downside to dealing with depression is that I fight my emotional issues with logical reasoning, and it pisses me off.  Being educated, understanding the triggers, and trying to work through them...all while wanting to curl up in a ball and sleep the days away...it sucks!

I am so grateful that Rainbow Bright was my co-worker on the unit with me last night, because she understands.  She deals with her own form of depression demons.  So it was nice to be able to sit in silence, or have me go in the office so I could be alone and collect myself, or break out the cards and play rummy...it was nice to have someone who understands me, has been a part of my life for so long, and doesn't keep asking me if I'm ok.

I'm not ok, but I'll be all right.  I know I'll be all right.  I know that I'm the best mom, stepmom, wife, friend, and overall person that I can possibly be.  I know that EVERYONE deals with depression, though some have it in stronger force than others.  I know that I am not alone in my struggle.  I know I'm not alone in dealing with it, as my husband is so quick to do his best to console me.  I detest the inner-workings of my mind, and how I am my own worst enemy sometimes.

It's Mothers Day.  I was going to go to make breakfast for my Mom, but I barely made it through my work shift without having an emotional outburst/breakdown.  I know she understands, and I know she knows I love her.  But I, of course, feel like such a failure for not being able to follow through with making her breakfast...which then makes me feel like I can't do anything right...which then bundles into the bull crap that goes on in my head.

BAH!  I have been reminding myself of all the positive things going on in my life, trying to fight the dark with the light.  Today the dark seems to be winning, but I know the light will win the war.  Hubby got the oil changed in the car yesterday (thanks to Rainbow Bright for tossing $40 our way so we could do that), we paid the rest of rent, we've got food in our home, our kids are alive (and loved, and all that)...we've got more than many people have, and even with the things that have seemingly gone wrong (first D's phone bit the dust, now mine has...ugh!) I am reminded just how good my life really is.

Struggles suck.  Depression blows.  No, those are not the beginning lines to a screwed up porno...Oh...wrong type of humor...whoops!

Anyway...I have unloaded.  I hope that I get some decent sleep today (which will probably happen because it's cool, dark, and raining...perfect weather for sleeping under warm covers during the day).

Thanks for putting up with my unload.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Abortion...

I am one of those people who fits into a strange category of pro-life & pro-choice...I have experienced every possible outcome that a pregnancy gives, and I see (and appreciate) what each outcome has done for me.

I had a few pregnancy scares when I was 15, and ended up pregnant at 16 with my oldest son.  I chose to place him for adoption because I was so unprepared...unready to be a mom.  I don't regret my decision, and I'm lucky enough to have a continued relationship with him (and his parents).

I had a miscarriage when I was 18.  Thank GOD I had a miscarriage, because I didn't want to have another kid...and at that time I was strictly pro-life.

I got married and had my son, V, when I was 20.  He is such a blessing, but it solidified the fact that placing my first son for adoption was right...I was still struggling as a parent even though I was married, older, all that.  But I wouldn't trade V for the world.

I had 2 more miscarriages between when I separated from V's dad to when I got pregnant by my ex fiance (and I don't want to bother coming up with a nickname for him).  He was abusive (mostly verbal, but the physical stuff was quite intense), and I had been so desperate for someone to love me that I put my son and I in a horrible situation.  Then, realizing what an idiot I'd been, I wanted to leave...and found out I was pregnant.  Great...now I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.  Do I go through the pregnancy, deal with the relationship (and hope that it gets better)?  Do I go through the pregnancy and deal with visitation/custody arrangements, and have yet another baby daddy?  Do I place this child for adoption because I cannot possibly support 2 children on my own...and if I place this child for adoption, signing away my rights, will my ex try to get custody of the kid?  WHAT DO I DO!??!?!?

After a HORRIBLE fight, I was rescued by my mom...and moved back in with my parents.  Well...that answers the whole "Do I stay in the relationship" question.  Now I'm pregnant, hormonal, emotional, single mom of 1 with another on the way.  Unemployed.  Living in my parents basement.  What a life, right?  My ex was calling me, screaming at me, threatening me...telling me that he'd take the baby and run away if I ever thought about placing it for adoption.

I didn't (don't) trust him...his father physically assaulted him, in front of me, and he had been abused by his father throughout his whole life.  It's what he was raised in...and I, myself, was abused by my own father.  So I was desperate to make sure that this child would never have to go through the throes of abuse.  No child deserves to be abused.  But I also couldn't flee state, since V goes to his dad every other weekend (and I would never want to keep V from his dad).  So there was no hiding away until the adoption went through.  I didn't want to be abused any more, I didn't want V to be scared, I didn't want this baby in my belly to be harmed or ever have to deal with the fear that I've deal with.

So I chose to have an abortion.  I don't regret it.  It happened right on the 12 week mark.  It hurt.  I lied to people, saying I'd suffered a miscarriage (I'm friends with my ex's sister...she is a great lady...I feel guilty that I've never told her the truth).  But I couldn't see this child growing up without her (I feel like it would have been a girl) father probably (not potentially, but probably) abusing her.  I refuse to put my child in that situation, and I battled with my emotional demons.  I WANTED to place this child for adoption, but knew that things could get really ugly really fast.  So I had an abortion.  It took me a year to finally admit to my mom that I'd had an abortion...I know she wasn't happy with me, but I am glad that she seemed to understand the reasoning behind it.  Just as I was so unready to be a mom at 16, I was incapable of having this child...
****

Wow...deep post, eh?  What brought it up?  Why, this video: http://elitedaily.com/women/woman-films-her-abortion-procedure-to-use-as-a-counseling-tool-video/

I understand it's her choice, but I feel that the girl who recorded her abortion did it as a form of birth control.  That is what a lot of pro-life people are fighting against...and I agree with them, in that form.  Use birth control, place for adoption, become a mom and figure it out...but I also feel that there are more situations than rape/incest/birth defects/death of mother or child if pregnancy continues that warrant an abortion.  My example is one.  I feel validated that I did the right thing.  I do wonder, sometimes, what would have happened if I'd had the baby.  What would she look like?  What would have happened in regards to custody?  Would I be married to my husband, since our relationship started around the same time I had the abortion?  What would have happened?!?!?

But those questions are things I sorta dealt with after placing my son for adoption.  I never thought I'd see him again.  I wondered, for a while, what kind of mother I'd have been.  So it's similar, in the end, to how I felt with both outcomes - adoption and abortion.  I no longer had a child to hold, but I did what I felt was best in the given situation.

At least I didn't use an abortion as birth control.  *GROWL*

Monday, May 5, 2014

God is good...

I belonged to the LDS (Mormon) church for a number of years.  I've researched a plethora of religions.  I've come to the conclusion that organized religion is not right for me (believe me - I've tried to find somewhere I could go and feel like it was right).  That being said, I do believe in a God.  I'm not sure what God (or Gods) I believe in, but I find many truths in a great many religions that I have looked into.  I believe that religion answers what science can't, and science answers what religion can't.

I almost made an Atheist sounding response to a post I saw on FB today...a person on my list, who happens to be a nurse, was praising God and saying that it is all Gods work that helped their child get better.  In the SAME status they said "There's no more physical therapy, no more tubes to be fed from, no more doctor appointments needed.  *kid* is BETTER!  THANK GOD!" type of thing.  They were saying everything that there is no more need for, and praising God for all of it.  They didn't thank the doctors, the modern medicine (or the tools with which the medicine was deposited into the child to make them better).  Then everyone who commented were saying "PRAISE GOD!"  "AMEN!"  and all that.

I love the person who posted the status.  I am glad that their child is better.  But I find it rather ignorant to only praise God in the healing of the child, without thanking modern medicine (or at least thanking God for helping create modern medicine).

Am I callous and close minded?  Am I missing the point of thanking God, even though I see science and medicine being a big part of the healing process for this child?

Sorry...I wanted to say this, and I am not saying that they are wrong for being faithful and asking God for help and guidance.  But I feel that it wasn't just God that helped their kid get better.

Shutting up now.