*le sigh*

My mind is a dark place lately.  The downside to dealing with depression is that I fight my emotional issues with logical reasoning, and it pisses me off.  Being educated, understanding the triggers, and trying to work through them...all while wanting to curl up in a ball and sleep the days away...it sucks!

I am so grateful that Rainbow Bright was my co-worker on the unit with me last night, because she understands.  She deals with her own form of depression demons.  So it was nice to be able to sit in silence, or have me go in the office so I could be alone and collect myself, or break out the cards and play rummy...it was nice to have someone who understands me, has been a part of my life for so long, and doesn't keep asking me if I'm ok.

I'm not ok, but I'll be all right.  I know I'll be all right.  I know that I'm the best mom, stepmom, wife, friend, and overall person that I can possibly be.  I know that EVERYONE deals with depression, though some have it in stronger force than others.  I know that I am not alone in my struggle.  I know I'm not alone in dealing with it, as my husband is so quick to do his best to console me.  I detest the inner-workings of my mind, and how I am my own worst enemy sometimes.

It's Mothers Day.  I was going to go to make breakfast for my Mom, but I barely made it through my work shift without having an emotional outburst/breakdown.  I know she understands, and I know she knows I love her.  But I, of course, feel like such a failure for not being able to follow through with making her breakfast...which then makes me feel like I can't do anything right...which then bundles into the bull crap that goes on in my head.

BAH!  I have been reminding myself of all the positive things going on in my life, trying to fight the dark with the light.  Today the dark seems to be winning, but I know the light will win the war.  Hubby got the oil changed in the car yesterday (thanks to Rainbow Bright for tossing $40 our way so we could do that), we paid the rest of rent, we've got food in our home, our kids are alive (and loved, and all that)...we've got more than many people have, and even with the things that have seemingly gone wrong (first D's phone bit the dust, now mine has...ugh!) I am reminded just how good my life really is.

Struggles suck.  Depression blows.  No, those are not the beginning lines to a screwed up porno...Oh...wrong type of humor...whoops!

Anyway...I have unloaded.  I hope that I get some decent sleep today (which will probably happen because it's cool, dark, and raining...perfect weather for sleeping under warm covers during the day).

Thanks for putting up with my unload.