What a week this has been. Found out my biological Uncle and Aunt will be here on Sunday for a few days (and it will be my first time meeting them - they're from my biodads side). So I'm stressing over that. My sister-in-law lost her little sister, and that's just been a sad time that reminds us about mortality. Stressing over finances (we're still struggling to get caught up after D was unemployed for a while). Then today I was holding my fur nephew (an adorable little chihuahua/pug mix) when he leaped out of my arms, landing on his leg wrong, and shattering it. So now there is surgery tomorrow to amputate his poor little leg.
I know it was an accident, and I didn't actually mean to hurt the little fur-dude. But this has caused me to have my first "ugly cry" since starting my anti-depressants. Part of that is relieving, knowing that I am capable of actually breaking down and crying. The other part of me feels stupid for freaking out as badly as I have. What's worse is that my Mom is worried that this incident, and my reaction to the incident, may push me into my dark place.
Here she is, worried about me...after she lets me know that their car isn't being fixed quick and easy, therefore pushing past the expiration of the tags. They're broke. They need to save funds...and then BAM! Herman (the chug) blasts apart his leg because I wasn't low enough to the ground for him to not get hurt, or I didn't hold him tight enough to keep him from doing a swan dive to the tile, or SOMETHING... and so I feel like it's my fault that my parents are in an even tighter financial situation.
I'm getting so frustrated over the fact that I feel like such a mooch. I'm frustrated that food stamps didn't come through, and that I'm left hoping to have even $30 after paying necessary bills so that we can get the bare minimum for my home. It's also summer time, so I'm now in charge of feeding my kids all through the day...and so the cost for food goes up. But do I have any additional income that helps? NOOOOOO. I'm waiting to hear back from the part time job I did the testing for (yes, Mom. I never got the book from you but was able to manage to do the test. :-P ) and see if I was able to pass. If that works out then I'll have an additional $300-$600/mo coming in. That'll be nice, but I'm certain it'll vanish the moment it hits my account.
I just need to find a way to get my cupboards and pantry and freezer completely stocked. If I could get them filled to the breaking point, I wouldn't worry any more. I can afford to replace what is used, but trying to get the stuff that is needed in the first place is being a pain in the freaking TUSH!
I know I'm going to be ok. I'm praying (and I'm not much for prayer) that D gets the job that gives him a $7/hr raise. I'm hoping that my performance review that is coming up at work will allow me to get the raise I hope for. I'm so sick and tired of being stressed, depressed, worried, and feeling like a mooch off peoples happiness. I'm doing the best I can with what I've got...I won't give up.
Why does life have to be such a bitch!?!? *grumble*
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