Day 3 on Prozac - I slept in. Well, what I meant to say is, I didn't wake up at 3pm to take my pill at the previously decided time. So I took it at 4:30(ish) pm. Some would say that it's fine, I at least took my dose...but the OCD part of my mind, the one that wants to make sure that I get into the pill taking habit, is screaming at me because I was late. Then this other part of my mind is saying "Great, (insert my name)! Just great! You're allowing your life to be controlled by your ability to take a pill. What if this pill is the cause of X, Y, Z issues you're currently having? It's only been 3 days, but these last 3 days have been rough and you're feeling strange and foggy and everything. IT'S THE PILL!"
Then I have to fight back that conspiracy theorist part of my mind. I argue that the pill will help to balance out my seratonin levels, and help make my sad days less dark...my blah days less deep...and should help me toward having more genuinely good days ahead. Funny thing, though...Most people don't realize I have depression. I've been so good at covering it up. Been focused on always putting a smile on my face because it used to be the only thing that got me through some days. I work hard to not let my depression affect my ability to be a good mother, wife, and friend. So I just think that being on an antidepressant will help me not have to fight my inner battle with what I portray vs. how I really feel. We'll see.
The last few days have really done a number on me, and part of me wants to call into work tonight just to have a mental health day. But I am working towards being advanced to shift lead, or at the very least being able to go and ask for a raise in the next couple months. Love my job, but the pay kinda sucks. But between having one doctor "kick" me while I was down, a good friend of mine losing her husband (more on my feelings on that in a sec), not sleeping well the last few days (anxiety goes up, sleep goes down), and all that...just been a rough few days.
I have not been able to cry about Thing 1's husband passing away (and the emotions that this situation has brought about). I always seem to be in the wrong place to have a crying fest, or when I'm finally in a good place to let it out I can't seem to cry. I feel bad because I told Thing 1, in a joking manner, that if he passed away she wouldn't have to deal with the stress of a drawn out divorce. No worries about custody, or anything. I was mainly saying it to get a laugh out of her (it was a high stress time for her). Now that he has passed away, I feel like an ASS. I realize I only knew how Thing 1 interpreted the situation in which she was dealing with her husband...and yes, it is obvious he was an alcoholic. He was quite horribly rude to Thing 1. But why was he drinking? What was his underlying issue? Did I judge someone that really just needed someone to slap him on the back of the head and help set him back on a good path?
I don't know. So I have this melting pot of emotions because I am doing everything I can to be there for Thing 1, feeling guilty because of things I said jokingly, wondering if I had taken the chance to get to know him if I might have been able to help him, did he die strictly because of alcohol related stuff or was something else to blame, all that...
But I'm not crying. I want to cry. I do. But I can't seem to freaking cry. I realize that I didn't cry last night while watching movies that got my co-worker sniffling, and I felt like I should be crying - but I wasn't. It's only been 3 days though, so is it the pills? Or am I just so dang screwed up right now with the stress of the last few days that I'm incapable of crying right now?
Just inner mumblings of my mind. This may not make sense to anyone, but it's a sort of journaling of my life and experiences.
I'm just in a fog right now. Hopefully it passes soon.
Plus side - no headache (did I mention a headache before? Can't remember). So at least I know that the prozac isn't the cause of my headaches.
Time for me to do homework. This should be fun! *sigh*
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