To those who come here from my Facebook, you have a general idea of what I'm about to post. Those who come here because they find me randomly, HI...welcome...and all that blubbering nonsense.
To keep the thoughts in a relatively organized fashion I shall be bullet point separating the 3 key things I want to post about (better than 3 separate posts, taking space and time to do).
* Today is my 4 year anniversary of when I decided to start dating D. I had just left an abusive relationship at the beginning of January, and had sworn I'd not jump into another relationship for at least 6 months. Give me time to figure out everything. D was ok with just being my friend, and he was being amazing at being just a friend. D had separated (was in the divorce process) from his ex wife in August 2009, and had been single ever since. On January 30, 2010 D's friends wanted to take him out to dinner, check in on him, see how he was doing. D felt like this was a set up, that his friends were going to bring a girl with them...so he asked if he could bring a friend to dinner. That friend was me.
We went to Tepanyaki, which is DELISH(!!), and I got to meet D's friends. It was fun. I enjoyed their company. Prior to this dinner, I'd had a discussion with D about how I really do like him, and hope that he sticks around. I really wanted to date him, but was worried how people would react to me jumping from one relationship to another. He was fine with waiting, but I feared he would find someone else before my 6 month time frame was up. D is a sweet man, good father, and wonderful friend. ANYWAY...back to dinner. We eat, we chat, we laugh it up. Dinner wraps up and his friends, along with D & I, decide to go out and see "Sherlock Holmes." During the movie I tried to pay attention, but my mind kept wandering to my thoughts on D, and our potential relationship.
After the movie wrapped up, D took me home. On our way home I decided that I could wait, and potentially miss out, on dating D. I looked over at D as he was driving, and realized that I really do have feelings for him. I told him that I would like to take the risk, and date him, knowing that it could very well end up in a steaming pile of crud. I'd like to take that chance. He agreed, but said that if we ever feel the friendship is failing in the relationship that we should back off and focus on the friendship aspect.
Here we are. 4 years later. Together, happy, and still best friends. I'm glad I took the chance, and learned how to actually keep a relationship going. I always feared that I'd never be good enough to have a long term relationship, as all my relationships have failed (and I am the only common denominator). This is my longest relationship, and look forward to this being the final relationship in my life (til death do us part!)
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* Went to see my OBGYN today, and am officially prescribed antidepressants. I love my doctor, and am glad that the hubbub of yesterday is now in the past. 10 mg of Prozac will be in my system shortly.
Funny little anecdote from the doctor - Back in October (2013) I had scar tissue on my cervix broken apart, in hopes that it would help alleviate the horrific period pain I'd been experiencing since my surgery in April 2012 (Cone biopsy - had a TON of cervix cut out because of severe dysplasia. OUCH!). I'd been having period pain since before the procedure, but it was determined to be tied to the dysplasia. When the doctor went in and broke it apart, my scar tissue had almost completely closed my cervix (which was pretty much meaning my uterus was contracting, trying to push out the bloody mess that is a period...and my cervix was giving my uterus the middle finger and saying "HA HA! Try making it past these walls of DOOM!"). ANYWAY....I've had 2 periods since my procedure to break apart the scar tissue, and it's like an angel has floated into my uterus and made the pain non-existent...I've seriously smiled and been like "OMIGAW! I'm bleeding, it doesn't hurt, and I'm happy!"
Seriously..who's happy on their period? *points at self* THIS GIRL! THAT'S WHO!
So I tell my doctor how amazingly grateful I am for him doing the procedure, and how I am actually relatively happy to be bleeding each month (yes, it means I'm not pregnant. But my GOD! I'm not in pain! I'll take pain free period over pregnancy ANY DAY!). My doctor laughed, and actually said something along the lines "It's good to hear that I've made a difference. I don't normally hear things in such a descriptive manner, but I'm so glad to know that it worked. Thanks for telling me."
I actually told him about this, and then discussed my fears of being on antidepressants. We talked about me worrying how antidepressant will affect my ADHD, and my worry that being on an antidepressant will ultimately lead to me needing this pill and that pill and these things...and he told me that my worries are valid, but that he doesn't forsee me having to be on anything else besides the antidepressant. I'm starting on 10 mg, and we will see how it goes. I will call him if I feel it needs to be upped, but for now 10 mg it is. I'm glad I have a doctor that listens, laughs, and did what I needed.
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* My friend, Thing 1, has been dealing with a lot of chaos in her life for the last few months. Her husband lied about his drinking, which is against their religion, and there were other things that caused strife between her and her husband. There was lying, deceit, drinking, and just a lot of heart ache that Thing 1 had to deal with. Thing 1 had finally come to the conclusion that she needed to leave her husband, as it would be the best (and healthiest) thing for her and their son. Then her husband went to the hospital. Liver failure (he was denied placement on the transplant list because of his alcoholism - too much of a risk...and then took it out on Thing 1, saying it was her fault.... :-( ), kidney failure. He had to be on dialysis, and would figure out how things were going to work out. Thing 1 still made it clear to him, and his family, that she was going to divorce him. It isn't easy at any time, but feeling like a witch because she brought it up to him while he was in the hospital...my heart hurt for her.
Well...Thing 1's husband passed away last night. He was admitted back into ICU with his blood pressure having dropped horribly low. So now Thing 1 is a widow...her son will grow up without his father...and just...WOW! The heartache and just...not knowing what to do or say...it hurts. I'm so sorry, Thing 1, that you're having to go through this. It's not your fault, but I have a feeling that you're going to feel guilty to some degree for a while. But it was NOT, is NOT, and will NOT ever be your fault. <3
With his passing it has also brought forth my own feelings regarding my sons father. My ex husband has a heart condition, so every time he goes to the hospital I'm left with this sense of dread...is he going to die? Is he going to be ok? I don't love that man any more, and we have our differences that can leave me not liking him much either (ex's are ex's for a reason.)...but he is, and always will be, V's dad. When I was freshly single from our separation/divorce, I was quite callous and rude about how I talked about him. I regret any horrible words I said because he really is a loving dad. He does want to be in V's life, he just...he's a good dad. His wife is an awesome stepmom. I don't want V's dad to die. Not for a long time, at least. Let V grow up knowing his dad, be able to celebrate dad day @ school, and have many years to build memories with his dad and the dads side of family.
I know that when we get out of relationships it's easy to say things like "I wish they'd disappear." or "Why can't they just die, since it'll be easier that way!" and guess what...it won't be. Those words will haunt you. Children deserve to have both parents in their lives, even if the parents aren't together, as long as the parents are beneficial to the life of the child (not abusive, negligent, things like that). V has a good dad, step mom, mom, and stepdad. He's got bonus families, and love from everyone he is related to.
I know that Thing 1 will be an amazing mom to her son, and that she won't keep her son from his dads family. It's a sad situation, but I know that Thing 1 will successfully navigate this time. It's hard. It's sad. But I know that she can do it.
And I'm sorry that it happened. <3
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