Depression is a bitch!

With everything that has gone in my life, it's easy to expect that I do have some degree of depression.  Sexually abused by my biological father, knocked up and abandoned at 16 (placed 1st son for adoption, dealing with post-partum depression...), failed marriage (and another kid, and the depression came back), abusive relationships...I've got stories.  I've got excuses.  But I have survived for at least the last 5 years without medication.

I have been on medication before, as the previous sentence obviously ensued.  I was diagnosed, as an adult, with clinical depression - adhd - and sleep disorder.  My sleep disorder really dwindled down to the nightmares/night terrors that I have (had) regarding the rape and abuse I went through as a child.  ADHD and Depression, on the other hand, were things that built up and developed over time.  ADHD helped me make sense of many struggles I had growing up, and depression is really just a given.  ANYWAY...I am jabbering away...back to the point of this post.

I've been having a very hard time lately not being moody.  I've struggled with these feelings of inadequacy, sadness, overwhelmed, everything...and it SUCKS!  My life is chaos, but it's an organized chaos and it's something that I live and thrive on (or in...uh...whatever).  I work full time in juvenile corrections, on the graveyard shift, and I LOVE my job.  Not sarcastically love, but seriously I LOVE my job.  It's the first time I've actually been able to honestly say that I love pretty much every aspect of the organization that I work for.  I am married, going on 3 years married (and 4 years together).  I have my 3 kids, 2 of which live with my husband and I full time.  I am also in school full time, working towards my Masters degree in Psychology.  So yes, I'm busy.  I find that I'm tired more often than I feel rested.  But I'm happy with the way life is going...

Yet I'm depressed.  I find myself questioning my parenting ability.  I look around at the chaos that is my house and wonder why I can't seem to manage to keep my house clean and presentable.  I KNOW that working full time, school full time, and kids all equal a house that won't ever be clean (unless kids are asleep and I'm up all night...then it'll only be clean until they wake up).  I realize it is totally unreasonable, and unrealistic, to think that I can be that Stepford wife who looks so put together every single day and STILL get the things I need to get done DONE.  Yet I feel like I'm failing somewhere because I'm NOT that.

My legs are hairy, I've gone days without showering (in my defense - I don't sweat easily, and most people don't notice that I've not washed my hair in 3 days), and just blah blah blah blah...

Why is it that so many people will tell me that they find me inspirational, that they don't know how I do everything I do, and yet I look at them and wish that I could do what they do?  Don't give me the whole "the grass is always greener" deal.  I really love my husband, my kids, my job, my education...I get it.

And I just...I don't know how to wrap this post up.  I'm finding myself in the blahs more and more, and it SUCKS.  So I have scheduled an appointment with my doctor for next week.  I'll explain how I've been feeling, express my reasoning for getting on medication, discuss the medications I took before, and open up about my fears of being back on medication (that's a whole other post in and of itself...maybe some other day).

I just need a hug, yet I'm in a total antisocial mood.  OH SQUIRREL.  FUCK!  *sigh*