Friendship

I've always wanted to have the opportunity to give someone the title BFF, but I have struggled at maintaining friendships for longer than a couple years.  I don't want to be that annoying person who dubs a new, good friend as their BFF.  I feel that the term can be over-used.  So I avoid giving that term to anyone.  But does that avoidance play into the reason why I have a difficult time maintaining friendship?

When I was young (Elementary-High School) I was not popular at all.  Hell...I was picked on and lucky to call 1 or 2 people my friend.  When I was 15, entering High School, my mother allowed me to date earlier than she had previously wanted (I was always told I couldn't date until I was 16.  But I was also the youngest in my grade, so in 10th grade I was the baby...).  I took this new found chapter in my life and just went wild...from my first boyfriend, who I was dating by Homecoming, to the guy I gave my virginity to - I was on a warpath.  I went from being this shy, awkward, picked on girl to (for lack of any other word to accurately describe me) a slut/whore.

Having sex opened me up to a crowd of girlfriends who, like me, enjoy having sex.  Back then it was FUN, it was almost a competition over who got with who, and while we KNEW we deserved love and respect we just gave our bodies freely.  So I found friends!  FINALLY!!!  I BELONGED SOMEWHERE!!!  I had multiple boyfriends, even booty calls.  I'm quite amazed that I didn't get pregnant more often...or get STD's...

Having these friends made me feel like I belonged somewhere, and as my Sophomore year progressed so did my attempts to break free from the ugly duckling...I started smoking weed, because it was what they did.  I started smoking cigarettes.  I was best friends with all these girls, yet now I realize that we weren't friends - we were competition.  Who was prettier?  Who slept with the most guys?  Who got the best gifts from the guys?  Whatever...

My Junior year of High School was an expansion of my sophomore year, and I actually ended up being fired from a job at a sandwich shop because I had sex with one of the staff during shift.  It was mortifying, being caught, and having to go back to gather my last paycheck and knowing that everyone knew what had happened.  Then, by what I thought was the grace of God, my mom met my step dad and we moved to another city.  I transferred schools, and could start over.  Yeah...I missed more school than I went to, smoked way too many cigarettes and too much weed, and suddenly BAM - I was pregnant.  I'm 16 years old and my life was OVER!

My friends were SOOOOO excited that I was pregnant.  But the father of my unborn child dumped me days after going with me to find out I was pregnant.  He spread rumors that I'd cheated on him, that he cannot possibly be the father because I'm a whore, and just...it was bad.  I finished out my Junior year, trying to get grades to a decent level because I was being faced with reality.  I needed my High School diploma more than ever.

Summer break came, and I was in summer school.  I was bound and determined to get my diploma, ON TIME, to give this child the best life possible.  But it was also at this time that I realized that no matter how hard I work, I'm so unready to be a mom.  I was about 3 or 4 months pregnant when I realized that I am going to place my unborn child (a son) for adoption.  I made a few friends over the summer (some of who I still interact with via facebook), but many people didn't understand or agree with my decision to place my son for adoption.  His father wasn't in my life, and I was just so unprepared for the responsibility.  One girl actually told me that my kid is not an animal, and I can't just give away the animal because I don't want it.

Fast forward...I finish Summer school.  I transferred to a different High School for my Senior year (making it my 4th school in 3 years), and I went to a regular public school vs. young parent school.  Made it easier in some ways, not surrounded by babies, for me to follow through with my choice.  But being with kids who just didn't understand what it's like to deal with this life changing situation...it sucked.  I am so grateful for the small group of friends I did have that helped me through the days in school, but most of them I no longer talk to.  Between day school, night school, and packets I graduated (ON TIME!)...and life moved on.  Most of those friends I lost touch with.  So I was once again faced with being alone.

After placing my son for adoption I fell back into bad habits, and was introduced to harder drugs.  I've done meth, coke, 'shrooms, ecstacy, whippits, and drank with "friends" a lot.  I was at the home of one of these so called friends when a horrible situation occurred...I held my best friend as she overdosed and died from heroin (which I've NEVER touched).  It was that horrible moment in my life that I stepped away from hard drugs (other than 1 minor relapse with meth & coke I've been clean for 9 years).  I still smoked weed for a few more years, but I won't give my reasoning...this post is already getting super long.  I will say, however, that I'm completely clean and sober from drugs now.  Been quite a few years now.  ANYWAY...

I quit hard drugs, but began going out to clubs and drinking with my friends because I was young...I had been married, had another son, and divorced...I was 21 and ready to party.  Then I got a DUI.  That woke me up.  Why is it that I have to face OMIGAWD moments to actually see what I should have been doing all along!?  When I quit going to the club, stopped drinking all the time, stopped drugs...when I stopped doing these things that had given me friends, those friends disappeared.

So I became a sober, "boring", lack of friendship person.  I was in college, lived in my parents basement, did my best at being a single mom, and worked...and yes, I had buddies.  But I didn't really have many close friends.  In 2007 I met this girl, who I will refer to as Rainbow Bright, and we were buddies at school.  We hung out a few times, but mostly interacted at school.  When she graduated we sorta lost touch for a year, then found each other on FB.  Still didn't hang out again for a while, but it was nice that we reconnected.  In 2010 I started dating my husband and was introduced to this lady, A.H., and we used to hang out all the time.  But as time has moved on our lives and schedules have caused us to lose the strong connection we once had.

2 years ago Rainbow Bright and I started to really talk, and finally started hanging out.  I'd also reconnected with 2 girls from my Elementary/Jr. High days that I'd been good friends with (and weren't part of my drug/slut days).  Today I can proudly say that my 2 friends, Thing 1 and Thing 2, and Rainbow Bright...that these are people I feel are deserving of the title BFF, but I don't want to give it because I fear that the moment I start saying that we'll be friends forever that it will make them go away.  Something will change and they'll disappear.  I don't want that, and so I hope that doing whatever I can will help keep them around FOREVER.

I find myself jealous of my husbands friendship with so many people, most of them for 15+ years, when I'm getting excited that I've got friends that are 5+ years...and then I have to remind myself that I am 15 years younger than my hubby, so I have a while to go to get to the years he has with friends.  Just...WOW...look at how long this post has grown.

Let me totally get to the point - Am I worthy of a BFF?  I'd like to think so.  Do I think that Rainbow Bright, Thing 1, and Thing 2 can be my BFF's?  I think they are amazing, and I hope they stay.  I hope that now I'm married (i.e. TAMED), sober (I do have drinks, ocassionally...but it's not a regular thing, and I'm happy with that!), and more scheduled and organized...I hope that I can keep these friendships going.  I <3 these girls, and I have many more friends than those listed...but I am focused on the 3 that I see regularly.

Here's to friendship.  Here's to BFF's.  Here's to me finally finding myself feeling that I can give the BFF title to these friends because I deserve a BFF, and they are awesome!

Uh...hopefully this post made sense.  It seems all related to me, but became wordy and a backstory.  But here I am...It's me.  Insecurities and all.