But this booping dog made me smile. Genuinely smile. YAAY!
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Boop
But this booping dog made me smile. Genuinely smile. YAAY!
Monday, March 24, 2014
Insurance woes
D still doesn't have a job. He has been to a few interviews, and keeps being told that he will start a different project with the company he was with...but nothing yet. We're into week 2, almost week 3, of unemployment.
D was the primary insurance carrier, since his was cheaper and better than mine. So now we're left knowing that at the end of this month the insurance will stop...and so I'm hoping my insurance covers me well enough to make my happy pills not horrifically expensive, and that me and my family don't need major medical coverage until D gets a new job with insurance.
Today I'm going to the dentist, checking on the progress of my teeth (been whitening them), and I'll be asking if there is absolutely any way that the dentist can do the crown on my tooth that had a root canal and fix the fake part of my front tooth...all before insurance stops. I know that I'll have insurance again, and can go back then. But I don't want the tooth that needs the crown to be broken apart and causing me pain, and I have needed the fake part of my front tooth fixed for some time...now that my teeth are whiter, you can see the difference so much more.
I'm stressed, but trying to hold it together...D is doing his best, and so I just need to remember to have faith in him and his abilities. He's smart, great in the training/management departments, and funny as heck. I know he'll get something. Just - AAAACK!
D was the primary insurance carrier, since his was cheaper and better than mine. So now we're left knowing that at the end of this month the insurance will stop...and so I'm hoping my insurance covers me well enough to make my happy pills not horrifically expensive, and that me and my family don't need major medical coverage until D gets a new job with insurance.
Today I'm going to the dentist, checking on the progress of my teeth (been whitening them), and I'll be asking if there is absolutely any way that the dentist can do the crown on my tooth that had a root canal and fix the fake part of my front tooth...all before insurance stops. I know that I'll have insurance again, and can go back then. But I don't want the tooth that needs the crown to be broken apart and causing me pain, and I have needed the fake part of my front tooth fixed for some time...now that my teeth are whiter, you can see the difference so much more.
I'm stressed, but trying to hold it together...D is doing his best, and so I just need to remember to have faith in him and his abilities. He's smart, great in the training/management departments, and funny as heck. I know he'll get something. Just - AAAACK!
Friday, March 21, 2014
OUCHIE!
Last night, while I was at work, I noticed that there was a bump on the back of my head. I messed with it, figuring it was a zit (damn acne ANYWAY!). Nothing happened when I messed with it, but shortly after it began to ooze. I sorta forgot about it until I woke up today and noticed the back of my head hurts. So I ask my hubby to check it out & he does, takes a picture to show me what he sees, and I've got this strange booboo on my head...it looks like I got hit on the head, and a few pieces of scalp got scraped away. Not sure what the heck is going on, but I sure don't like feeling like something crazy is going on with my scalp.
I hope that I can get into a dermatologist visit before the end of this month, since D still doesn't have a job...so current insurance will stop at the end of the month. If not, I'll just have to keep an eye on it and hope D gets a job with quick insurance. *sigh*
Here's hoping it's nothing too serious. It's totally weird, I don't recall anyone ever dealing with something like this before, and it makes me feel kinda gross...ya know? Weird thingy on my head that oozes and looks like a wound. RAH!
I hope that I can get into a dermatologist visit before the end of this month, since D still doesn't have a job...so current insurance will stop at the end of the month. If not, I'll just have to keep an eye on it and hope D gets a job with quick insurance. *sigh*
Here's hoping it's nothing too serious. It's totally weird, I don't recall anyone ever dealing with something like this before, and it makes me feel kinda gross...ya know? Weird thingy on my head that oozes and looks like a wound. RAH!
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Appetite
There are days that I can barely bring myself to eat the amount of calories I need to have. Then there are days, like today, where I ate way too much (the cookies...they were DELICIOUS...DANGIT!)...and yet I'm hungry right now. Like...I'm shaky, my stomach is grumbling, and I feel like I've not eaten in a long time.
I need to really work on being okay with having a little bit of hunger pains, as I'm working toward lowering my calories and losing a bit of weight. But man...being hungry SUCKS!
Why must I feel ravenous!?!
I need to really work on being okay with having a little bit of hunger pains, as I'm working toward lowering my calories and losing a bit of weight. But man...being hungry SUCKS!
Why must I feel ravenous!?!
Monday, March 17, 2014
*WOOOOO*
My hubby got a random call, and we're glad he answered. It was an immediate phone interview, and he passed that level. So on Friday he will be going to another interview for a job that he'd be great at, and he let them know he'd not accept anything less than $13.50/hr. I'm thinking he'll earn more, which will be GREAT! :)
I'm so proud of him, and the fact that he'll have a job soon. One way or another. :) He still has 2 weeks left before I really stress, since his severance check paid enough for him to take some time off working. I think he'll kick butt on this interview and will land the job, and that we'll be sitting pretty!
:) :) :) :)
Oh...and the picture I added? It's of the shirts & messenger bag that we got during an amazing sale on offworlddesigns.com. I now have a bag, where D and G have backpacks, that can carry my laptop. I have 2 shirts, along with D having 2 new shirts, that totally showcase our geeky awesomeness.
Today has been a good day. I love good days!
(V has also been adorable, cuddly, and sweet. Hyper at times, but totally awesome!)
I'm so proud of him, and the fact that he'll have a job soon. One way or another. :) He still has 2 weeks left before I really stress, since his severance check paid enough for him to take some time off working. I think he'll kick butt on this interview and will land the job, and that we'll be sitting pretty!
:) :) :) :)
Oh...and the picture I added? It's of the shirts & messenger bag that we got during an amazing sale on offworlddesigns.com. I now have a bag, where D and G have backpacks, that can carry my laptop. I have 2 shirts, along with D having 2 new shirts, that totally showcase our geeky awesomeness.
Today has been a good day. I love good days!
(V has also been adorable, cuddly, and sweet. Hyper at times, but totally awesome!)
Saturday, March 15, 2014
Karma...
I love that people call it a karmic circle...yet I feel like the circle seems to bypass me. *sigh*
I don't do things for others with the expectation that they will, in turn, do something for me. I don't know why I do it...but I don't like to see people fall flat on their face if I can help prevent it. But jeeze...
Part of me wonders if the reason I've not seen any major (good) karmic repayment is because of all the crappy things I did when I was younger. Maybe I'm repaying the debt to karma that I accrued when I really didn't care, and now that I care...perhaps that is why things seem to happen.
I'm working on it. I'm working on not having something about who I am cause me regret later in my life. I am proud of who I have become, and hope that others can see that I really am not the same person I once was.
But Karma...why can't you just kick some butt for me, therefore helping me to feel like I've done something right? ><
RAH!
I don't do things for others with the expectation that they will, in turn, do something for me. I don't know why I do it...but I don't like to see people fall flat on their face if I can help prevent it. But jeeze...
Part of me wonders if the reason I've not seen any major (good) karmic repayment is because of all the crappy things I did when I was younger. Maybe I'm repaying the debt to karma that I accrued when I really didn't care, and now that I care...perhaps that is why things seem to happen.
I'm working on it. I'm working on not having something about who I am cause me regret later in my life. I am proud of who I have become, and hope that others can see that I really am not the same person I once was.
But Karma...why can't you just kick some butt for me, therefore helping me to feel like I've done something right? ><
RAH!
Friday, March 14, 2014
Dude...excrement occurs, and boy does it NOT smell like roses.
Not sure what brought this on, but I just barely get home from going out to eat with my hubby...and BAM! Thank GOD we have 2 bathrooms (one was in use). :-(
I was hoping to get another hour or two of sleep...or have some alone time with the hubby, as both boys are elsewhere for the weekend...or something.
Alas, my body had other plans. Y U NO LYKE ME, BODY!?!?!? *bleh*
I was hoping to get another hour or two of sleep...or have some alone time with the hubby, as both boys are elsewhere for the weekend...or something.
Alas, my body had other plans. Y U NO LYKE ME, BODY!?!?!? *bleh*
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Random updates about V-man
This happened tonight, as I was getting V ready for bed:
V is such a tender-hearted little soul! The problem with that, though, is he also knows how to break out the crocodile tears. So when he didn't hold his breath for the 30 seconds (he was dunking his head in the bath, asked me to count to 30), only getting to 25, I thought his sob face was a joke. I realized, only as the sobs grew, that he wasn't joking.
Poor kiddo thought that the first time he tried to hold his breath for 30 seconds that it'd be easy. I know adults who can't hold their breath 20 seconds, and he got to 25. But man...that kid feels like a total failure. I'm glad I was able to calm him down, tell him we'll practice more, and that he is totally awesome. But holy crow...it was a very sad few minutes before bed.
***
The other day, as V was getting ready for school, I had "A Baby Story" on (TLC Channel). V asked me "Mom, how are babies made?" I responded that they're made in mommy bellies. He asked "No...what makes the babies?" So I figure, trying to be as simple and age appropriate as possible, I'd explain it in vague terms. I said that females, or girls, have itty bitty little eggs in their bellies. These eggs don't do anything until a male, or boy, plants a seed in them. When the seed attaches to the egg, a baby begins to grow. Small at first, they grow bigger and bigger, making the mommies bellies huge. Then ploop - baby gets born and we've got a baby!
V then says "How does the seed get in the belly?" I pause, not wanting to say too much...and wonder where the heck this almost 8 year old boy is coming up with these questions. I know it's getting closer and closer to being age appropriate to have the talk, but by the time I get to talking with V about the birds and the bees he's going to know everything ANYWAY.
Not sure how I feel about that.
***
V absolutely adores being able to play outside. He's a rough and tumble kinda kid. Problem with that, though, is I see all the booboo's and just worry about him. He's got scrapes on his chest, back, knees...and I ask him "How did this happen?" His response? "I'm just playing. I'm okay. If I'm not okay I will let you know."
WHA! That's a relatively mature response, and so I'm left sitting here...wanting to cocoon V in safety wrapping, yet grateful for his independent streak (and the fact that he's not the kid who cries over a skinned knee). GEEZE! How'd he grow up so fast!?
V is such a tender-hearted little soul! The problem with that, though, is he also knows how to break out the crocodile tears. So when he didn't hold his breath for the 30 seconds (he was dunking his head in the bath, asked me to count to 30), only getting to 25, I thought his sob face was a joke. I realized, only as the sobs grew, that he wasn't joking.
Poor kiddo thought that the first time he tried to hold his breath for 30 seconds that it'd be easy. I know adults who can't hold their breath 20 seconds, and he got to 25. But man...that kid feels like a total failure. I'm glad I was able to calm him down, tell him we'll practice more, and that he is totally awesome. But holy crow...it was a very sad few minutes before bed.
***
The other day, as V was getting ready for school, I had "A Baby Story" on (TLC Channel). V asked me "Mom, how are babies made?" I responded that they're made in mommy bellies. He asked "No...what makes the babies?" So I figure, trying to be as simple and age appropriate as possible, I'd explain it in vague terms. I said that females, or girls, have itty bitty little eggs in their bellies. These eggs don't do anything until a male, or boy, plants a seed in them. When the seed attaches to the egg, a baby begins to grow. Small at first, they grow bigger and bigger, making the mommies bellies huge. Then ploop - baby gets born and we've got a baby!
V then says "How does the seed get in the belly?" I pause, not wanting to say too much...and wonder where the heck this almost 8 year old boy is coming up with these questions. I know it's getting closer and closer to being age appropriate to have the talk, but by the time I get to talking with V about the birds and the bees he's going to know everything ANYWAY.
Not sure how I feel about that.
***
V absolutely adores being able to play outside. He's a rough and tumble kinda kid. Problem with that, though, is I see all the booboo's and just worry about him. He's got scrapes on his chest, back, knees...and I ask him "How did this happen?" His response? "I'm just playing. I'm okay. If I'm not okay I will let you know."
WHA! That's a relatively mature response, and so I'm left sitting here...wanting to cocoon V in safety wrapping, yet grateful for his independent streak (and the fact that he's not the kid who cries over a skinned knee). GEEZE! How'd he grow up so fast!?
Crying used to suck...
My husband can attest to this - I used to get teary eyed - full out crying at least 1 to 3 times a week. Used to. I've not had a moment of crying since I started taking my antidepressants. I've watched things that elicit a strong emotional feeling inside of me, but no crying. I've screwed up, hurt people's feelings, dealt with co-workers being dumbasses (raising my stress levels), missed out on doing things I've wanted to...things that would have provoked tears before.
I don't know. I hated crying over "nothing" before, but now I wish I could cry. I used to be able to fake it, eventually causing tears to fall. But nothing. It's freaking WEIRD!
But I don't feel lost, like I did when I first started taking the medication. I feel like I'm back to my normal self, full of imperfections and goals...but the lack of crying has me focused on why the heck am I not such a sappy person any more!?
Who else complains about not crying? I should feel great that I'm not such a sap, since I always got frustrated over the fact that I could cry almost on demand. *sigh* I don't know how I feel about it, really. One part of me is glad I'm not a freaking boober any more. The other part of me worries that I have lost a part of my personality, a part that made me more sensitive, because I can't seem to cry.
Just things to ponder. RAH!
I don't know. I hated crying over "nothing" before, but now I wish I could cry. I used to be able to fake it, eventually causing tears to fall. But nothing. It's freaking WEIRD!
But I don't feel lost, like I did when I first started taking the medication. I feel like I'm back to my normal self, full of imperfections and goals...but the lack of crying has me focused on why the heck am I not such a sappy person any more!?
Who else complains about not crying? I should feel great that I'm not such a sap, since I always got frustrated over the fact that I could cry almost on demand. *sigh* I don't know how I feel about it, really. One part of me is glad I'm not a freaking boober any more. The other part of me worries that I have lost a part of my personality, a part that made me more sensitive, because I can't seem to cry.
Just things to ponder. RAH!
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Bed Bugs - take 2
So I went back to my parents house today, having helped tear apart their bedroom yesterday. Worked on the kids room, and made great progress with the whole "purging" aspect of cleaning. My mom says "I've been meaning to get rid of stuff and clean up, but it's so much easier to get rid of stuff when I think 'ACK! Bugs!'"
We emptied, wiped, and sprayed everything down in the kids room. We did not, however, see ANY signs of bed bugs in the kids room. There have not been signs of bed bugs in the kitchen/living room either. That makes everyone (me & my parents) believe that it's all contained in their bedroom.
Yaay and ICK!
Even though we did major cleaning and purging in their room yesterday, sprayed alcohol around (supposed to suffocate those little gross bastards), they still saw bugs today. So they bought actual bug killer spray (which - OMIGAWD! Smells to high heaven and caused sneezing/coughing/gagging) and we went to TOWN spraying stuff down.
Here's hoping that after doing what we've done the last 2 days, and them staying on top of cleaning and vacuuming...those pesky little blood suckers LEAVE! or DIE! Either way, they need to be gone.
At least I know that it's safe to go to my parents house...just avoid their room like the plague. *duly noted*
Glad I was able to go over there and help (I even cleaned their bathroom for them!), because they are one of my sons favorite places to be.
I got to take one of the bottles of the bug killing spray home with me, and will be spraying the perimeter of every room/my home with this spray. I don't think we've got bed bugs, as the room Vincent sleeps in at the grandparents didn't have them. But I'd rather nip the problem in the bud before it becomes an ACTUAL problem. Better safe and bitten!
We emptied, wiped, and sprayed everything down in the kids room. We did not, however, see ANY signs of bed bugs in the kids room. There have not been signs of bed bugs in the kitchen/living room either. That makes everyone (me & my parents) believe that it's all contained in their bedroom.
Yaay and ICK!
Even though we did major cleaning and purging in their room yesterday, sprayed alcohol around (supposed to suffocate those little gross bastards), they still saw bugs today. So they bought actual bug killer spray (which - OMIGAWD! Smells to high heaven and caused sneezing/coughing/gagging) and we went to TOWN spraying stuff down.
Here's hoping that after doing what we've done the last 2 days, and them staying on top of cleaning and vacuuming...those pesky little blood suckers LEAVE! or DIE! Either way, they need to be gone.
At least I know that it's safe to go to my parents house...just avoid their room like the plague. *duly noted*
Glad I was able to go over there and help (I even cleaned their bathroom for them!), because they are one of my sons favorite places to be.
I got to take one of the bottles of the bug killing spray home with me, and will be spraying the perimeter of every room/my home with this spray. I don't think we've got bed bugs, as the room Vincent sleeps in at the grandparents didn't have them. But I'd rather nip the problem in the bud before it becomes an ACTUAL problem. Better safe and bitten!
Bed Bugs...
http://health.utah.gov/epi/diseases/bedbugs/
Check out the link. Fascinating (and itch inducing) information.
My parents have been infiltrated by bed bugs, and so a lot of cleaning and tossing has been going on. I was there last night, and will be going there tonight, to help try and kill these bastards.
BUT EEEEWWWW! I had to actually squish one last night while I was cleaning, and just...bleh! I know my parents have been dealing with it for a while, and it wasn't until a couple days ago that they actually realized that the issues they've been having are bed bug related.
I'm watching my place closely. Will probably go through deep cleaning every room, and doing "KILL THE BUGS" now...beat them to the punch. It sucks that bed bugs are in my parents home because it's the last place I ever expected a nasty infestation to occur.
I'm kinda all over the place...but I need to get ready to go and help clean and spray the place down. Hopefully we can get this resolved quickly!
V will be completely bummed if we don't get this under control, since he LOVES spending time at his grandparents house. But I can't risk the bugs hitching a ride to my place, and while it's been a while before they realized what was going on - now that I know, gotta look out for him. *sigh*
ICKY BUGS = BLEH BLAH ICK!
Check out the link. Fascinating (and itch inducing) information.
My parents have been infiltrated by bed bugs, and so a lot of cleaning and tossing has been going on. I was there last night, and will be going there tonight, to help try and kill these bastards.
BUT EEEEWWWW! I had to actually squish one last night while I was cleaning, and just...bleh! I know my parents have been dealing with it for a while, and it wasn't until a couple days ago that they actually realized that the issues they've been having are bed bug related.
I'm watching my place closely. Will probably go through deep cleaning every room, and doing "KILL THE BUGS" now...beat them to the punch. It sucks that bed bugs are in my parents home because it's the last place I ever expected a nasty infestation to occur.
I'm kinda all over the place...but I need to get ready to go and help clean and spray the place down. Hopefully we can get this resolved quickly!
V will be completely bummed if we don't get this under control, since he LOVES spending time at his grandparents house. But I can't risk the bugs hitching a ride to my place, and while it's been a while before they realized what was going on - now that I know, gotta look out for him. *sigh*
ICKY BUGS = BLEH BLAH ICK!
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Personal reflection...
Yesterday I was quick to judge in a situation, and I realize that I was repeating an issue I'd seen in myself before. I don't want to live in guilt over things I say, and so I've decided that I need to work on my patience. I need to focus on reviewing the situation, looking through the eyes of the other person(s) involved, and I need to not only diffuse the situation (if possible) - or just keep my mouth shut.
We all know that saying "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all." I forgot it. I let myself get angry without thinking how it would affect those involved. While I may feel valid with my reaction and the way I handled things, if I was in the other persons shoes then I could see my reaction as an attack...like I'm fake, and that nothing I say is truth.
I have changed a LOT in the last 10 years. Who I was when I was married to my ex husband is not who I am with my current (and forever) husband. Who I was before I became a mom is not who I am now. Age, parenting, and the relationship I'm in have caused me to be a far better person than I was before.
But I'm not perfect. Just like I judged a friends husband based on the things I'd heard and seen, and then he died...I still feel guilty. Like I didn't try to understand the reasoning behind his actions. I don't want this to happen again. I'm better than that.
I won't ever be on Ghandi's level, but I am going to do my best to remain calmer and focus on looking at all aspects of a situation.
And to the person(s) I was talking about in my last post - I'm sorry.
***
This site, which talks about 13 things to remember when life gets rough, actually helped me realize that I might feel like I am being as good as I can be...but there's a lot that I can fix. Why dontcha go check it out? http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/13-things-remember-when-life-gets-rough.html
We all know that saying "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all." I forgot it. I let myself get angry without thinking how it would affect those involved. While I may feel valid with my reaction and the way I handled things, if I was in the other persons shoes then I could see my reaction as an attack...like I'm fake, and that nothing I say is truth.
I have changed a LOT in the last 10 years. Who I was when I was married to my ex husband is not who I am with my current (and forever) husband. Who I was before I became a mom is not who I am now. Age, parenting, and the relationship I'm in have caused me to be a far better person than I was before.
But I'm not perfect. Just like I judged a friends husband based on the things I'd heard and seen, and then he died...I still feel guilty. Like I didn't try to understand the reasoning behind his actions. I don't want this to happen again. I'm better than that.
I won't ever be on Ghandi's level, but I am going to do my best to remain calmer and focus on looking at all aspects of a situation.
And to the person(s) I was talking about in my last post - I'm sorry.
***
This site, which talks about 13 things to remember when life gets rough, actually helped me realize that I might feel like I am being as good as I can be...but there's a lot that I can fix. Why dontcha go check it out? http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/13-things-remember-when-life-gets-rough.html
Sunday, March 9, 2014
Parole date is set...
In 1 months time my biological father will be released from prison. I'm nervous, sure. Now he knows what I look like, knows my name (since it was said & documented in the parole hearing), and so...yeah...I'm nervous. Not scared, though.
The VINE network (victim notification system) called me 11 freaking times, and I finally answered (since I was awake, not at work, and all that) and hopefully the calls stop. I appreciate them wanting to make sure I got the message, but holy snap. Leave a voicemail!
*sigh* I am bigger than he is, stronger than he is, and I doubt he'll do anything stupid (at least in regards to me and my family) to go back to prison. But he's also been locked up for the greater part of 20 years...and that's a long time to build up anger and frustration. :(
I wish he had apologized to me during the parole hearing...but he didn't. I wish I knew he really felt sorry for what he put me through...but I don't know if he does. In my mind I feel that if he was truly sorry then he would have stayed out of prison the first time he was released (he'd been paroled 3 or 4 times and always ended up back in prison)...
I hope I remain the only victim of his...I hope that he gets out and is able to be a success outside of the prison system...While I would rather he remain locked up forever, since I will live with my scars forever, he's being released. So I just hope he doesn't ever come back into my life...
I'm nervous. But I'm no longer little, and I'm no longer afraid.
The VINE network (victim notification system) called me 11 freaking times, and I finally answered (since I was awake, not at work, and all that) and hopefully the calls stop. I appreciate them wanting to make sure I got the message, but holy snap. Leave a voicemail!
*sigh* I am bigger than he is, stronger than he is, and I doubt he'll do anything stupid (at least in regards to me and my family) to go back to prison. But he's also been locked up for the greater part of 20 years...and that's a long time to build up anger and frustration. :(
I wish he had apologized to me during the parole hearing...but he didn't. I wish I knew he really felt sorry for what he put me through...but I don't know if he does. In my mind I feel that if he was truly sorry then he would have stayed out of prison the first time he was released (he'd been paroled 3 or 4 times and always ended up back in prison)...
I hope I remain the only victim of his...I hope that he gets out and is able to be a success outside of the prison system...While I would rather he remain locked up forever, since I will live with my scars forever, he's being released. So I just hope he doesn't ever come back into my life...
I'm nervous. But I'm no longer little, and I'm no longer afraid.
Friday, March 7, 2014
I HATE SPIDERS!!!!!
For the love of all things freaking holy...I have a clean house, had just wiped off the walls and everything. I saw NO sign of spiders. Then my son gets home from school and is about to head up the stairs when I hear a shrill scream. I RUSH to him, and he's pointing at the wall...staring...this freaking spider was at least the size of a quarter. Big, black/brown, looked fuzzy (but I was NOT going to lean in and look closer...what if it JUMPS!)...
I grab a paper towel and was trying to be all "SUPER MOM" about it, but when I leaned in to grab it I shuddered...So then I took of my shoe, smooshed it on the wall, used the paper towel to clean the guts off the wall, and took my shoe to the sink to clean off dead spider icky bleh!
FREAKING SPIDERS! EEEEEWWWWW!!!
I grab a paper towel and was trying to be all "SUPER MOM" about it, but when I leaned in to grab it I shuddered...So then I took of my shoe, smooshed it on the wall, used the paper towel to clean the guts off the wall, and took my shoe to the sink to clean off dead spider icky bleh!
FREAKING SPIDERS! EEEEEWWWWW!!!
I'm grateful for...
On Facebook I've been participating in a Gratitude Journal thing, and it actually makes me think of things I'm grateful for. I have, thus far, not repeated anything. I appreciate the fact that this has caused me to think about all the things I do have, and not dwell on the things I wish I had. This blog post is a few of the things I'm thankful for (some of which I've not posted about on facebook):
* A home that is clean. It took a lot of work for me to get it to the point that it is, and so it's now just maintenance. I am focused on not doing everything, so that my kids do their chores...but I could go through and clean every room (aside from the kids) and be done in 30 minutes. That makes me happy!
* I notice the difference in my smile since I quit smoking. Between the whitening trays (I've got 4 more to go!), flossing more, and no more cigarettes - I'm at least a solid 2 shades whiter than when I stopped smoking and started whitening. I also, out of curiosity (and a strong craving for a cigarette), asked to take a drag off my husbands cigarette this morning. Guess who was totally disgusted by the taste and returned it after one drag? Some might say that was a failure in quitting, but I didn't smoke the cigarette! And this E-cig that I've got (currently enjoying a Vanilla-Bourbon flavor) has completely ruined me on cigarettes. LOVE IT!
* A home that is clean. It took a lot of work for me to get it to the point that it is, and so it's now just maintenance. I am focused on not doing everything, so that my kids do their chores...but I could go through and clean every room (aside from the kids) and be done in 30 minutes. That makes me happy!
* I notice the difference in my smile since I quit smoking. Between the whitening trays (I've got 4 more to go!), flossing more, and no more cigarettes - I'm at least a solid 2 shades whiter than when I stopped smoking and started whitening. I also, out of curiosity (and a strong craving for a cigarette), asked to take a drag off my husbands cigarette this morning. Guess who was totally disgusted by the taste and returned it after one drag? Some might say that was a failure in quitting, but I didn't smoke the cigarette! And this E-cig that I've got (currently enjoying a Vanilla-Bourbon flavor) has completely ruined me on cigarettes. LOVE IT!
* I am thankful that V is grasping math so much easier than I ever did. He's also doing wonderfully in reading/comprehension. His school has been such an amazing asset in helping him overcome the obstacles that could potentially be in his way, and the resources he has there are such amazing workers!
* I also love that V is such a loving kid. Yes, he drives me insane sometimes. But just this morning he, in the middle of eating his cereal, stopped all he was doing and popped onto the couch...landed a mooch and a hug, told me he loves me, and that he will do good in school so that I can be proud of him. AWWWW...V...you don't have to pressure yourself to be perfect. You're perfect just as you are. <3
* G did an amazing job at his band concert last night. I'm proud of him for sticking with the trumpet, especially since I thought it was going to just be a phase. Yeah, I wish he'd actually bring the dang thing home to practice - but he is doing quite well in the class. So I can't really complain.
* I am grateful for G and all he does to help me on the days I'm exhausted from work (I work graves in juvenile corrections). He will make dinner for him and V, he will help V with homework, and just keeping V alive is a feat! I'm glad that he steps up and helps me out, especially when his dad is working late.
* I am grateful for my husband being such a loving and caring husband and father. He is facing unemployment, since his current project closes at the end of business today. He's done so many interviews, and it looks promising for one of the projects he interviewed for. But he doesn't have a confirmed start date yet. So we're freaking out a bit, but he's not going down without a fight. He is focused on taking care of our family, and I know he will successfully land another job in the next couple weeks if the current company doesn't place him somewhere soon.
* I am grateful that the water softner in our new apartment is so much quieter than the other unit. You can barely tell it's being filled. The dishwasher is also quite a bit quieter, too.
* I am grateful for "new" clothes that a good friend of mine gave me, which have helped boost my wardrobe into a cuter (and slightly more professional) area. :-)
* I am grateful for my best friend, Rainbow Bright, for the spectacular help she provided in the move. She works with me, she comes over and hangs out, helps me move, brings her kids and my kids love them, and just...I am so grateful for her friendship. She is freaking fantastic!
I will work on typing more grateful for things, but I have homework to get working on. :-) Thanks for reading!
* I also love that V is such a loving kid. Yes, he drives me insane sometimes. But just this morning he, in the middle of eating his cereal, stopped all he was doing and popped onto the couch...landed a mooch and a hug, told me he loves me, and that he will do good in school so that I can be proud of him. AWWWW...V...you don't have to pressure yourself to be perfect. You're perfect just as you are. <3
* G did an amazing job at his band concert last night. I'm proud of him for sticking with the trumpet, especially since I thought it was going to just be a phase. Yeah, I wish he'd actually bring the dang thing home to practice - but he is doing quite well in the class. So I can't really complain.
* I am grateful for G and all he does to help me on the days I'm exhausted from work (I work graves in juvenile corrections). He will make dinner for him and V, he will help V with homework, and just keeping V alive is a feat! I'm glad that he steps up and helps me out, especially when his dad is working late.
* I am grateful for my husband being such a loving and caring husband and father. He is facing unemployment, since his current project closes at the end of business today. He's done so many interviews, and it looks promising for one of the projects he interviewed for. But he doesn't have a confirmed start date yet. So we're freaking out a bit, but he's not going down without a fight. He is focused on taking care of our family, and I know he will successfully land another job in the next couple weeks if the current company doesn't place him somewhere soon.
* I am grateful that the water softner in our new apartment is so much quieter than the other unit. You can barely tell it's being filled. The dishwasher is also quite a bit quieter, too.
* I am grateful for "new" clothes that a good friend of mine gave me, which have helped boost my wardrobe into a cuter (and slightly more professional) area. :-)
* I am grateful for my best friend, Rainbow Bright, for the spectacular help she provided in the move. She works with me, she comes over and hangs out, helps me move, brings her kids and my kids love them, and just...I am so grateful for her friendship. She is freaking fantastic!
I will work on typing more grateful for things, but I have homework to get working on. :-) Thanks for reading!
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
I'm weird...
I'm fat. There's no pussy footing around that. I'm just above 5'10" and I weigh around 250 pounds. Everyone tells me I look great, and that I carry the weight very well. Doesn't take away the fact that I'm overweight.
I don't eat much, though. I always seem to be full before anyone else at the table, I'm guilty of going 24 hours without eating (I'm far from anorexic...I just forget to eat sometimes), and when I do eat I am within a 2000 calorie diet. I was told that that amount is the calories I need to maintain functioning, and having removed the vast majority of my calorie adders (candy, junk...) I've done pretty well. Yeah, I get a treat here and there, but I don't go as crazy as I used to.
So why have I been plateaued for the last 3 years at 250lbs? Yeah, it's not the 325ish pounds that I used to weigh, but it's still 250 freaking pounds.
I know I should work out, and it's not like I'm lazy...my house work is done (yaay for clean houses!), my job requires me to walk around the unit and do bed checks every 10-15 minutes (I tracked it, once...I average about 2 miles or so a night with the amount of walking I do), and I drink 90% of my fluids as water...WHY YOU NO LEAVE ME, STOOPID FAT!
*sigh*
I don't have the money to get a gym membership, and even if I did - where's the time? I could let housework slide and go to the gym, but then the house is gross. I could sleep a little less, but that would affect my depression (though working out = endorphins...endorphins make you happy. Happy people don't kill their husbands!)...I dunno.
Just feeling stuck. I'm happy with my husband, my kids, my home, my school, my work...I have financial stress, but who doesn't? I just...I don't wanna be fat any more, but I'm too "lazy" to do anything about it. BOO!
I don't eat much, though. I always seem to be full before anyone else at the table, I'm guilty of going 24 hours without eating (I'm far from anorexic...I just forget to eat sometimes), and when I do eat I am within a 2000 calorie diet. I was told that that amount is the calories I need to maintain functioning, and having removed the vast majority of my calorie adders (candy, junk...) I've done pretty well. Yeah, I get a treat here and there, but I don't go as crazy as I used to.
So why have I been plateaued for the last 3 years at 250lbs? Yeah, it's not the 325ish pounds that I used to weigh, but it's still 250 freaking pounds.
I know I should work out, and it's not like I'm lazy...my house work is done (yaay for clean houses!), my job requires me to walk around the unit and do bed checks every 10-15 minutes (I tracked it, once...I average about 2 miles or so a night with the amount of walking I do), and I drink 90% of my fluids as water...WHY YOU NO LEAVE ME, STOOPID FAT!
*sigh*
I don't have the money to get a gym membership, and even if I did - where's the time? I could let housework slide and go to the gym, but then the house is gross. I could sleep a little less, but that would affect my depression (though working out = endorphins...endorphins make you happy. Happy people don't kill their husbands!)...I dunno.
Just feeling stuck. I'm happy with my husband, my kids, my home, my school, my work...I have financial stress, but who doesn't? I just...I don't wanna be fat any more, but I'm too "lazy" to do anything about it. BOO!
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Random updates
I have lost count of the days that I've been taking my "happy pills", but I only have 2 left. I know I missed 1 or 2 days, so it's been roughly a month since I started. I guess I could (technically) go back and look in my blog, seeing the date I started. But I'm not going to. HA!
I have noticed that over the last couple weeks I've not had any days where I felt like I was lost. That is cool, considering the horrific amount of stress I've been under for the last little bit. Between worrying about my husband finding another position with the company he is currently with (his project closes this coming Friday! UGH!), moving on super duper short notice, having to deal with car issues (and then somehow managing to get the car registered), and all that...I am surprised I've not had a melt down, or a day of OMIGAW I CAN'T FUNCTION. So I do think the pills have helped me, at least in that regard.
I have yet to cry, though. I have moments where I can feel the emotion building in my chest, my eyes get wet, but I can't seem to cry. Not that crying is great...I detest crying, most times. But it's weird that I'm not getting teary over touching movies, or crying due to stress, or whatever...I guess I got so used to sniffling almost every day that this whole NOT sniffling stuff is weird to me. So I don't know how I feel about that. I will continue to take my pills because I am enjoying the fact that I'm not shutting down like I did before. I like that I am more patient, and happier, than I was before. I just feel slightly different. It's weird, but I think it's a good weird.
***
I am almost 100% done with smoking. I have, in recent years, been a rather sporadic smoker. I'll quit for a little bit, go back. Go through my weekend with 1 or 2 smokes, and then smoke 1/2 to 1 pack a day when I work. So I estimate that, on average, I did 5 - 10 cigarettes a day. Not horrific amount, but still...I could smoke a pack a day, or more, when I had my bad depression days. Now that I've got an E-Cigarette (it was my valentines gift from the hubster), I first went down to 5 cigarettes a day, and now I'm down to 1 or 2...and there are days I have 0. So I'm thinking that within the next week or two I'll be 100% cigarette free.
The E-cig is actually a big help. It doesn't not feel the same, but it gives me something else to focus on when the cravings are bad. I've tried the gum, using suckers, twizzlers, crocheting, just going cold-turkey, all that...and my quitting has not been successful. Some might see my e-cig as taking one addiction and using another, but at least I know that this is vapor vs. smoke/toxins...and if I can get myself away from smoking, it'll only take a little bit of weaning (still vaping, but using the non-nicotine juices) to get down to just flavored water.
I'm proud of myself. :-)
***
My days off are Tuesday/Wednesday. The house is all unpacked, but is a bit of a mess (had G's friend over for the weekend. Yaay sleepovers...). So Tuesday I'll be cleaning, and then BAM! I'll finally feel like the place is complete. I'm glad to be done with the unpacking, moving, all that.
My hubby and I did go through the dresser and closet in our room, and got rid of 2 large garbage bags FULL of clothes. We still have plenty of clothing, but I think it's awesome that we purged the stuff we don't wear/won't wear/doesn't make us happy. It's nice to have more room to fit the things we do like. :-)
***
On that note, I'm going to wrap things up. I've got homework to work on, and I'm a wee bit tired. I've gotta work in a few hours, and so I shall close here.
Thanks for reading!
I have noticed that over the last couple weeks I've not had any days where I felt like I was lost. That is cool, considering the horrific amount of stress I've been under for the last little bit. Between worrying about my husband finding another position with the company he is currently with (his project closes this coming Friday! UGH!), moving on super duper short notice, having to deal with car issues (and then somehow managing to get the car registered), and all that...I am surprised I've not had a melt down, or a day of OMIGAW I CAN'T FUNCTION. So I do think the pills have helped me, at least in that regard.
I have yet to cry, though. I have moments where I can feel the emotion building in my chest, my eyes get wet, but I can't seem to cry. Not that crying is great...I detest crying, most times. But it's weird that I'm not getting teary over touching movies, or crying due to stress, or whatever...I guess I got so used to sniffling almost every day that this whole NOT sniffling stuff is weird to me. So I don't know how I feel about that. I will continue to take my pills because I am enjoying the fact that I'm not shutting down like I did before. I like that I am more patient, and happier, than I was before. I just feel slightly different. It's weird, but I think it's a good weird.
***
I am almost 100% done with smoking. I have, in recent years, been a rather sporadic smoker. I'll quit for a little bit, go back. Go through my weekend with 1 or 2 smokes, and then smoke 1/2 to 1 pack a day when I work. So I estimate that, on average, I did 5 - 10 cigarettes a day. Not horrific amount, but still...I could smoke a pack a day, or more, when I had my bad depression days. Now that I've got an E-Cigarette (it was my valentines gift from the hubster), I first went down to 5 cigarettes a day, and now I'm down to 1 or 2...and there are days I have 0. So I'm thinking that within the next week or two I'll be 100% cigarette free.
The E-cig is actually a big help. It doesn't not feel the same, but it gives me something else to focus on when the cravings are bad. I've tried the gum, using suckers, twizzlers, crocheting, just going cold-turkey, all that...and my quitting has not been successful. Some might see my e-cig as taking one addiction and using another, but at least I know that this is vapor vs. smoke/toxins...and if I can get myself away from smoking, it'll only take a little bit of weaning (still vaping, but using the non-nicotine juices) to get down to just flavored water.
I'm proud of myself. :-)
***
My days off are Tuesday/Wednesday. The house is all unpacked, but is a bit of a mess (had G's friend over for the weekend. Yaay sleepovers...). So Tuesday I'll be cleaning, and then BAM! I'll finally feel like the place is complete. I'm glad to be done with the unpacking, moving, all that.
My hubby and I did go through the dresser and closet in our room, and got rid of 2 large garbage bags FULL of clothes. We still have plenty of clothing, but I think it's awesome that we purged the stuff we don't wear/won't wear/doesn't make us happy. It's nice to have more room to fit the things we do like. :-)
***
On that note, I'm going to wrap things up. I've got homework to work on, and I'm a wee bit tired. I've gotta work in a few hours, and so I shall close here.
Thanks for reading!
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